new

[SleepyWitch]

Here's a tiny little new poem I posted in write a really weird poem (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30586&page=6).
I'm not too sure about the last line, as so often with my poems, I'm not happy with the ending. any thoughts? [P.S. I just split up the last word from the last line. maybe it looks better this way?]





I am the snow indifferent
on fields outside a train
coming from you
sunflower smile and frown,
I didn't know you were broken
until........
I must have fixed you

You are the snow indifferent
on scorched skin and that
place where light is slow
and the almost-pain that
makes us whole
lies coiled-up
waiting

[TheFifthElement]

I really enjoyed this poem Sleepy, I guess I ought to check out the weird poems section more. I liked the second stanza particularly (though you hooked me as soon as you mentioned train windows). I loved these lines:


You are the snow indifferent
on scorched skin and that
place where light is slow
and the almost-pain that
makes us whole
which is basically most of the second stanza isn't it! Anyway, lovely poetry for a lovely cold but sunshiny blue afternoon. Thanks :)

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Fifth :)
so you mean I should do something about the last two lines?

[blp]

Why not just chop the last two lines? 'lies waiting' is basically a cliché. The syntax of the strophe works, almost better, without them, as long as you don't mind saying 'you are... the almost-pain...' \\

I enjoyed it too. The first strophe is a little confusing. What does 'coming from you' refer to? The train? The line about the sunflower fits oddly too. I mean it doesn't seem to fit, not, sorry, that it fits oddly well.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I don't think I'd change a thing about it. I like it very much both for the seeming effortlessness of it and the gnomic quality.

[SleepyWitch]

I don't think I'd change a thing about it. I like it very much both for the seeming effortlessness of it and the gnomic quality.

heheh, I knew you'd say that. you're much too indulgent with your friends! come on, criticize me!

[PrinceMyshkin]

heheh, I knew you'd say that. you're much too indulgent with your friends! come on, criticize me!

This reminds me of a conversation between a masochist and a sadist:

The Masochist: Beat me! Go on, beat me!

The Sadist: No, I won't!

[SleepyWitch]

Why not just chop the last two lines? 'lies waiting' is basically a cliché. The syntax of the strophe works, almost better, without them, as long as you don't mind saying 'you are... the almost-pain...' \\

I enjoyed it too. The first strophe is a little confusing. What does 'coming from you' refer to? The train? The line about the sunflower fits oddly too. I mean it doesn't seem to fit, not, sorry, that it fits oddly well.

Does the sunflower line look any better this way?
I'll see what I can do about the ending.


I am the snow indifferent
on fields outside a train
coming from you
sunflower-smile and -frown,
I didn't know you were broken
until........
I must have fixed you

You are the snow indifferent
on scorched skin and that
place where light is slow
and the almost-pain that
makes us whole
lies coiled-up
waiting

[blp]

Don't think the dashes make much difference. Were they supposed to make it clearer what 'coming from you' referred to?

[Riesa]

nice poem, sleepy.

[Silas Thorne]

Love the poem too, but it doesn't need the dashes. :)

[SleepyWitch]

er, those dashes are hyphens. ok, I guess I'll have to do some tweaking if the sunflower line doesn't get any clearer this way. I've added some punctuation marks and changed the last line. I guess it doesn't make much sense this way, but maybe it sounds less clichéd??? I'll try to think of something better. This is only a preliminary new ending



I am the snow indifferent
on fields outside a train
coming from you.
Sunflower-smile and -frown,
I didn't know you were broken
until........
I must have fixed you

You are the snow indifferent
on scorched skin and that
place where light is slow
and where the almost-pain
that makes us whole
folds up its blue-and-white.



The first strophe is a little confusing. What does 'coming from you' refer to? The train?
either the train, or the narrator, or the narrator on the train. I'm a bit reluctant to make this ambiguity any clearer, unless you find it so utterly confusing that it destroys the whole poem for you.