soliloquy in the twilight

[ahsiam]

Vision of a light among clouds
that came striding
as in a falling day she must think-
light come from an ultimate end.



repeating her thoughts
she gathers and loses herself
where ascending and descending on stairs are same.


Words,her border of thoughts
so uncertain and profane-
have spurned the beauty
which is too constant, that burns and -
not too constant that heals.


losing demanding images,
she lures the uncertain age-
what she never thought of..


obscurity of her thoughts is-
her concealed imagination,
for she made the imagination her god.

[The Rider]

The images of the poem are interesting, matching the intrigue of your title, however the flow of the poems lines does not seem to make alot of grammatical sense. Of course I might have misunderstood the larger aspect of your poem, but for me I began reading your piece wih the anticipation of some sort of direct revelation - like one expects from a soliloquy in a play - and found the lack of construction disconcerting and distracting. I see how the flow may ironically parallel the idea that the woman has reached the border of her vocabulary in describing her feelings, and the partially incoherent links between the lines may reflect the incoherence the woman feels translating her own thoughts, but the transitions really just do not reflect that feeling in the best possible way. I really love the idea, just a small problem with the grammer :)

[symphony]

now as i read it, i can only think of how you explained it to me the other day....

(and call me what you would, but that last line is again my favorite!!)

[Delta40]

I've had too many reds - what's a soliloquy?:lol:

sounded nice- without being technical. Women aren't like that :)

[Virgil]

This is very nice ashiam, and very intriguing. I love the rhythm of this. It's not a natural English rhythm which seems to make the poem so mysterious. That first stanza just really knocks me out:

Vision of a light among clouds
that came striding
as in a falling day she must think-
light come from an ultimate end.
Only qualm, and perhaps you don't realize this, but "come" should be "comes" to be grammatically correct.

And I love that similie in the second stanza:

repeating her thoughts
she gathers and loses herself
where ascending and descending on stairs are same.
Her thoughts repeating are like going up and own stairs. Brilliant. Why did you use the word "where" instead of "like" to introduce the simile? Very interesting phrasing. I've never seen that before.

Another wonderful phrase is "Words, her border of thoughts." A border of thoughts is a wonderful concept; I can almost feel it though not quite but I know it exists.

And a fine ending:

obscurity of her thoughts is-
her concealed imagination,
for she made the imagination her god.

Another fine poem Ashiam. :)

[symphony]

In the fourth line... wasnt it "light came from an ultimate end" the last time i read it?
Typo?