PDA

View Full Version : playing the angel: chapter one (874 words)



duskmuse
12-20-2008, 08:23 PM
Chapter One

Oh crap. This was one of those moments where I tried to pretend everything was going to turn out alright, but I was one of those people who couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I was tied to a chair at the time. A man from the Mafioso strolled to and fro in front of me while he toyed with my camera. Turned out they weren’t big fans of being filmed; maybe I should’ve taken notes while watching The Godfather because if you ever want to remake the movie, keep in mind they used actors, not the real criminals.

“I swear, I’m only a film student and I thought-I thought…” I tried to explain myself but the man in front of me stopped; he got down on one knee looking into my eyes while I sat there. “I-I-I…I’ll shut up.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that Miss…what did you say your name was again?” the man said to me. I watched as he crudely gripped my camera. It made me cringe as if it were a part of me, which it practically was; it was my baby.

So I sat there staring at it with my eyes bulging out of their sockets. “When I ask you a question, you answer.”

“Why on earth would I ever tell you my name?!” I barked, thinking about how people act in such situations in the movies. Slowly, he inched closer to me until his sour tuna breath fell flat across my face causing me to gag. I think it even singed the small hairs on my face. “Hey, use mouthwash, your breath stinks.”

“I am sick of this,” said the man. Each breath he exhaled stank more than the first. I thought I was going to vomit if he stayed there any longer. I was never ever going to eat tuna again after this little date with Tuna Breath. “I want to let you know, I’ve handled tougher men than you.”

“I feel special.”

“That’s it.” He grabbed onto a pair of scissors and the color drained from my face. He started to laugh at me because all he did was cut the ropes that held me to the chair and dragged me through the building. “I don’t care what the boss says, as long as this mess is taken care of.” I started to shout for help hoping somebody nearby would come out to my rescue, but I highly doubted our local superhero was going to come to my rescue.

Next thing I knew, we came bursting through a rusty door onto the top of the skyscraper we were in. Can you say vertigo? We were so many stories above the city streets. I started to struggle, hoping to break free. All around, I could see the tops of buildings below us blocking the view of the streets.

“Please don’t! Please, please! Please! My-my name is Hayden Ciara. I’m a film student. Not a news reporter. I’m not with the FBI! Please don’t kill me!” I screamed at him over and over again while he dragged me toward the edge of the building. My control, it was all gone. The whole tough girl act went poof. In reality I was a whimpering damsel in distress. The whole time, I kept struggling but it meant nothing to him. He was so much stronger than me. “I’ll do anything, anything for you. To you. Say it and I’ll do it. Please, please…please!”

We were at the edge.

Down far, far, far below were the city streets bustling with cars and people who rushed by in their everyday lives. Suddenly, I started to tell myself, this was a prank. A horrible, horrible prank because I was in a movie one of my fellow students was trying to create. I had to be. But the thing was, at the bottom there would be no blue cushion to protect my fall. No matter how much I thought of it, it wouldn’t come true.

First, Tuna Breath dropped the camera and I watched it slip through the sky. It was hard to see but in my mind I could imagine it explode into millions of pieces. Tears cascaded down my cheeks. This was the end. What if I had held my tongue? This wouldn’t be happening. How could this be happening?!

“HELP! HELP!” I screamed at the people below but it was impossible for them to hear me over the screeching cars and blaring horns. If they did…what were they going to do to save me in the first place? Catch me when I fall? By then it’d be too late. “HELP! PLEASE, OH GOD! HELP!”

I was shoved over the edge and I plummeted toward the ground. Wind whipped around me caressing my body as my arms flailed around I kicked my legs as I made an attempt to do the Freestyle. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I stopped. Our local superhero, Nemo, caught me before he flew toward the sky. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. Soon I wrapped my arms around him and I buried my face against his chest. He was like an angel who swooped out of the heavens to save me.

:alien::alien::alien:

aBIGsheep
12-20-2008, 08:36 PM
NOOOOOO!!!!
IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD THEN DA F WITH THE SUPER HERO!?!!!!

Honestly, so far this is the only wall of text that I've bothered to read. Flow of thought was what sold it for me. The voice in the story was genuine and comical, hell, it was enjoyable. There are some kinks, or some parts where it could be stronger:

He was so much stronger than me.
A pimple compared to the rest of your prose. Tuna Fish sounds like a big *** brute or a gorilla or some other conglomerate of creatures. There are other sentences that could be weeded out and repaced with something stronger, like cow manure, but really, as it is, it's delightful.

BUT THE ENDING!? GADDAMNN! Why'd you have to kill it off so quick and why'd you have to turn it over with such a weak conclusion like "ZOMFG HEROSAVEDMELOL NO FEELINGS AT ALL" Sho, you can use that hero-schmo but where did all that feeling go from the previous 800-ish words? Kaput. Down the stinker. Gone.

duskmuse
12-22-2008, 05:30 PM
Hello

Well, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I take all comments to heart but sorry. I like my superhero and this isn't the real end. The actual first chapter is too long to fit into here so sadly, nobody gets to see that my superhero is different. He's insane and suffers from bi-polar disorder/PTSD. :)
I like psychology.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Good luck with your writing.
-Dusk Muse

Delta40
12-22-2008, 06:33 PM
Hey Dusk Muse

I really liked the build up and my mind was travelling at the same speed of tension thinking 'is this a movie, is this for real, will somebody call out 'cut!' The superhero sounds a little abrupt however, this I note, is a first chapter and not a short story so I imagine it will have an ongoing flow anyway which I look forward to reading

Good show!

Parvez Ahmed
12-29-2008, 03:36 AM
The land needs to be tilled for the seeds to be sown. Your land is already tilled. A nice start.

duskmuse
12-31-2008, 03:35 PM
Hello
Thanks for taking the time and reading the first part of my chapter. I don't know what else to say...well thanks you! And thanks for the comments, they're very thoughtful.
Thanks
Bye
Good luck with your writing
-Dusk Muse

Scarlett Moon
01-03-2009, 02:24 PM
I think this is cute. I love the way your narrator talks, it's a little different. I liked how everything was short. It gave the writing personality...if that's possibly. Maybe I'm making things up here. :) Also that first line "Oh crap." Well that was just amazing. If I knew more about grammar, I would help you here but since I don't. No help from me becuase everything looked perfect there. The ending I have to agree was a little weak but it still makes me want to read more. It makes me wonder and go who could this angel be. :)

duskmuse
01-04-2009, 03:44 PM
Hello
Thanks for all the comments.
Good luck with your writing
-Dusk Muse