New, will you please read my first story....

[Sarethor]

Hi! My name is Sara and this is the first paragraph of my 'story'. You can be as honest as hell, I dont mind!

"This is not a sad, and depressing story, this is merely the life of Clara Heggings.

There I stood...cold, alone, mixed up about stuff. Just, standing over there...in the middle of the street, just wondering what could happen next. My purple scarf was too long, and it annoyed me so much. Such a little thing…disturbed my inner feelings. How can this be, I asked my self. People were passing me by, even not looking at this figure. They just did not care. Probably I would do the same...if…if only I wasn’t in this situation. OK, I must stop this manner now! I walked away from the crowd of people near a pub, who were smiling, enjoying themselves. While I was…NO!"

[Delta40]

Hi Sarethor. I am new to this forum and I notice that nobody is reviewing my story. I am not a critic and I am not sure what you would like to say so shall I just tell you how it grabbed me as lay-reader? I would review how much punctuation you are using to create a more even flow to the read. It sounds as if you are trying to convey a pretext to some tense situation in which the reader will ask 'what can that situation be!' as if the thriller music is playing in the background. You can do this without those pauses and commas. Perhaps trust more to the imagination of the reader and sentence structure. I am not an experienced writer however and this is only my opinion. (I feel like a very little person on this forum!)

I am wondering what the situation is though...:)

[Sarethor]

Hi Sarethor. I am new to this forum and I notice that nobody is reviewing my story. I am not a critic and I am not sure what you would like to say so shall I just tell you how it grabbed me as lay-reader? I would review how much punctuation you are using to create a more even flow to the read. It sounds as if you are trying to convey a pretext to some tense situation in which the reader will ask 'what can that situation be!' as if the thriller music is playing in the background. You can do this without those pauses and commas. Perhaps trust more to the imagination of the reader and sentence structure. I am not an experienced writer however and this is only my opinion. (I feel like a very little person on this forum!)

I am wondering what the situation is though...:)

Hey Delta....finally!!! Someone is replying :p i shall review your story in a min..
Yes, you are right, i just love to use a lot of punctuation, but i know it is not necessary, i am goin to rewrite it so it looks better, thanks!! Haha yea true! :D

haha yay u r curious :p

[Pf. HS Dimple]

Where is DELTA's story and what the hell is going on here, above...I can not make out anything, as i assume that delta wrongly wrote MY and should have written UR...not?