Thoughts?

[Trilaque]

Picture this:


Modern day, the sun is giving one last shine on the horizon as the world beyond fades into the darkness of night.

Then, a man, free from a sleepy chokehold forces himself to stand in the middle of a field. He has no idea where or who he is nor what happened to him. This amnesia forces him to try and fight a nearby elderly farm man and he realizes that he has increased strength and agility.


There is only one catch. This man is blind.








What do you think? Any ideas, thoughts, concerns?

[AshleyMare]

Oh, thats good. Tell me more.

[Trilaque]

Okay.


He is one of an entirely new race of men/women known as 'Guardians.'

The Guardians are meant to be used as war tools, first developed by the Germans during WWII, and modified during the years following. They are the next step beyond cloning, they are genetically identical to their parent DNA.

Meaning, using the main character for example, if the DNA of Alexander the Great were copied and used to make some sort of "superhuman" then the clone would act in a way similar to that of Alexander. This clone would also carry distinct attributes to that of the said parent DNA.

The main character, however, is a Guardian of an even newer breed. He was tampered with while he was still just an embryo, giving him a thought process all his own and, sadly, making him blind in the process.

But Stele, the main character, is not the only one. A greater, more powerful, Guardian is growing even as he fumbles around and he is destined to destroy Stele and bring an end to the supposedly "rogue" Guardian.


Confused and alone, Stele (pronounced like steel), is forced to find his way around and find out a way to save who he cares about the most.

[aBIGsheep]

Want my honest-to-god opinion?

[Trilaque]

Yes, it doesn't bother me. Criticism is a good thing.

[aBIGsheep]

It seems like a smashed pile of cliches. It reminds me of the storyline to Wolverine. Yeah, I'm going to start talking about a comic.

Wolverine is ZOMFG MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! Gets pissed, runs out, hacks and slashes and snikit-bubs some guys and a whole panty load of crap is crapped.
Americana govermento captures Wolverine and tries to biomechanilichiazize his butt into the ultimate killing machine.
At the cost of his past, he's made into an indestructible, adamant, slaughterhouse on two legs. And he doesn't know a spit about anything about him. Oh, lawd! amnesia! The most over-used cliche in any midday soap opera. What better plot twist than to make a super cool, all-powerful, experiment-gone-wrong, that doesn't even know how to pull up his pants when he pees?

That is the story of wolverine in a nutshell.

[Trilaque]

*cough*

He's not a robot.... Or part metal?

Plus he isn't all-powerful because he's kind of.... Blind?


. . .

[aBIGsheep]

But he's a super human genetically modified by the government, or some suit-n'-brow type, that has amnesia.
That's more or less Wolverine.

Stele could be like a blind Wolverine.

[cheerupfyodor]

have you seen blind wolverine's new costume?

neither has he...

[Trilaque]

Lol.


I also believe that Wolverine was only modified because he was wounded in battle? While Stele was modified from birth.

I will admit though, it does sound like a bunch of different books/comics put together. Just being honest.

[xtianfriborg13]

It's okay. Sound interesting to me. :)

[cacian]

Picture this:

I am .


Modern day,

What is 'Modern day'?


the sun is giving one last shine on the horizon as the world beyond fades into the darkness of night.
Great sentence although I started reading like this:
the sun is giving one last chance.....


Then, a man, free from a sleepy chokehold forces himself to stand in the middle of a field.

It is not clear how/why he would force himself to stand? Was he lying down asleep in the field?
In other words where does he pop out from? Nowhere?


He has no idea where or who he is nor what happened to him. This amnesia forces him

Here the word 'force' appears again. It feels like 'the man' has been in a lot of constraints. But he has amnesia....not a physical disability if you see what I mean..

to try and fight a nearby elderly farm man and he realizes that he has increased strength and agility.
Again why fighting again? Is he angry? agitated? there is no reason why he would just start a fight just because he has amnesia. If anything amnesia should have a feeling of hollowness and one of them is not being able to fight because that would the one thing he would forgot to do because he has amnesia.

There is only one catch. This man is blind.
It does not work because if he was blind he would not fight anyone because he can't see.

And also you mention the evening coming up. It is all dark and your description feels like it is daylight to the reader.







What do you think? Any ideas, thoughts, concerns?
There is three themes going on:
1) The setting is after sunlight hence darkness
2) Modern day
3) Amnesia
4) Blindness
I would put myself in the character shoes and try and figure a small reality of one sequence of event at any given time that would fit around ONE theme only and not all.

I feel you have taken FOUR themes too much.
It is either Amnesia or blindness for example.