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View Full Version : Hi im new. Just made this up its only the first chapter.



cundiff11
12-14-2008, 02:37 PM
Here is how the rules of magic work: Wizards and witches can perform magic without wands. Simple magic, at first, but whatever magic they have previously used with a wand, they can reproduce without. Usually, they direct the magic through their hands if they are without a wand, but with practice, it is possible to do so without.
Now, it is not necessary to have spells for all magic. What you are thinking in your head will happen. Spells are used for magic that is too complex to think about. For instance: you cannot summon something if you have no particular thing in mind, if you even know if it exists, without a wand or a spell. If you are on a couch, and you summon a cup that you know is in the pantry, it will come. But to summon a cup without knowing what it looks like or where it is, you will need a wand.
Now, for the wizarding and muggle (I am not going to keep using the word ‘muggle’ I just cannot think of anything right now) worlds. There are two different worlds, both replicas of the other, and both connected to each other through magic. You can teleport between the worlds if using a wand. Other than teleporting, wands do not work in the muggle world. You must produce the magic yourself.































Dylan is a ten year old boy, and he just started to learn magic last year. Already he is stronger than his parents. He is a mischievous boy, and he and his parents both know that he is more powerful than them. And he does sometimes, too, when he loses his temper. For example, last week.
“I’m going to Jordan’s.” Dylan told his Father, Michael. “No, you need to stay home until you finish your homework.” said Michael, attempting authority. “I’m going to Jordans.” Dylan repeated, in the same tone, no indication what so ever that he had heard what his father just said. He walked to the door, reached out to turn the handle, and screamed. “OW!” It was burning hot. Rounding on his father, he screamed, “You did that!” “You’re going to finish your homework, and then you may go to Jordan’s.”
It happened fast. He jabbed his finger at his father, who was standing 20 feet away, and two rings of fire shot toward him and wrapped themselves around his hands, and snapped his arms behind his back. Another jab, and was thrown against the wall. Unable to use magic (Michael was not strong enough to do magic without hands) his father could do nothing. Walking over to his struggling father, he placed a hand on his forehead. His eyes slid out of focus, and then he was asleep. Dylan opened his hand and his father’s wand zoomed into his hand. A wave of the wand, and Michael disappeared and then reappeared on the sofa. Another wave, and a mug of steaming coffee appeared on the table beside him. He raised the wand, slashed it violently through the air, and said, “Omarado.” Michael wouldn’t remember anything.
Dylan then walked out of the door and into the street. His parents were weak wizards. They didn’t ever have fun, either. Dylan asked them all of the time to fly around the mountains with him. They always refused. Their life was simple: go to work, come home, sleep, go to stuffy “private parties” come back, and repeat the ritual. His father, Michael, worked at a broomstick factory. All Dylan’s friends thought it seemed like a cool job, but Dylan knew that all he did was make the wood for the neck. His mother, Sarah, owned an Apothecary. Her factory made all sorts of things, from everything to sleeping potions to acne remedies.
Dylan walked around his neighborhood for awhile. He lived in a rich-kid neighborhood. With about 400 houses, and in the middle of Spain, it was hard to get into. Not surprisingly, however, none of the families liked Dylan, and because they didn’t like him, they dind’t like his parents either. One family had found their son hung by his shirt on a lamppost, unconscious. They had confronted Dylan’s parents, and they had proclaimed that Dylan would never do such a thing. When his parents asked him about it, he freely admitted it, however, there was nothing they could do.
After Dylan had his walk, he teleported back to his garage. He found his broom, a SoarFast 52. It was the newest model of broomstick, and could reach altitudes of 40,000 feet, and speeds of 200 miles per hour. After thinking about what he would need, he decided on a pair of long jean shorts, and a T- Shirt. Snapping his fingers, they appeared on him. He then teleported, vanishing into nothingness. He reappeared 100 miles away, in Norway. His friend, Jordan, lived at the base of the mountains. Standing about 30 feet away from Jordan’s house, he saw the light on in his 4th story bedroom. He vanished again, reappearing in his closet. Good call, Dylan told himself, for his mother was in the room speaking to him.
“Are you going to invite Dylan over today?” said his mother Grace, a short, pretty blond woman. “I dunno, should I?” said Jordan, who was also short, with black hair. “Yes, I think you should. He never seems happy. Why don’t you invite him?” asked Grace. “Ok, I will, but don’t bother him, ok?”
When his mom had left the room, he pointed at a clear globe, around a foot high and half a foot long. It glowed purple. Dylan stepped out of the closet and said, “No need.” “Oh hey, what’s up?” asked Jordan. “Nothing.” Dylan said simply. Jordan however, saw the look on his face. “Sorry you had to hear that.” said Jordan. “It’s fine. Do you want to duel today?” Dylan asked. “Uh, sure. Let me go get my broom and tell my mom.” He vanished.
Five minutes later, he appeared, rolling his eyes and carrying his broomstick. “Mom says to not go more than 50 miles away. But she won’t know.” said Jordan, smiling. Jordan was almost as powerful as Dylan. Dylan usually won the duels, but every once in a while Jordan outsmarted him. Jordan may not be as talented as Dylan, but he was just as mischievous, if not more. Nodding, Dylan disappeared. When Jordan joined him in the yard, he asked, “We’re going to fly, right? Or do you want to stay on the ground?” “Fly of course.” said Dylan. A snap of his fingers, and Jordan was wearing the same attire as Dylan.
Jordan mounted his broom and kicked off, going straight toward the peak of the mountain at full tilt. When they got to the top, they were going to duel. The rules were simple. If a person gets knocked off their broom, you cannot attack until they get back on. Also, you cannot cast more than 5 second knockout spells.
Once they reached the top, Jordan said, “cast the Damn spell already, I’m freezing.” Dylan was the only one who had cast the spell to keep out cold with a wand, so he had to do the spell. “Thank God” said Jordan, once the spell was on both of them.
Mounting his broom, Jordan screamed, “GO!” and then flew off, forcing Dylan to pursue him. Jumping onto his broom, he pursued Jordan, climbing higher than him and above the clouds. A jab of his finger and a light appeared in the clouds, tracing where Jordan was. He sped up to about 100 feet in front of where Jordan was. He was at about 40,000 feet, and he knew the nearest mountain was at 31,000 feet. He then jumped off his broom.
He fell, fell, until he was through the clouds and could see Jordan. Raising his palm, a bolt of fire rushed toward him. Dylan was still a few thousand feet above Jordan, so he continued to throw spell after spell at him, who had no choice but to block them. Fire, water, ice, knives, all burst readily from his palm and threw themselves at Jordan. Jordan kept conjuring counters to all those things, for he had never cast a strong shield charm with a wand. A pool of water for the fire, then a steel wall for the water and ice, then a rubber wall for the knives. He kept conjuring things like that out of thin air, breaking all the spells.
Finally, when Dylan was level with Jordan, he put his palms together and purple flames burst out and covered themselves on Jordan: a five second knockout spell, which knocked him off his broom. A snap of his fingers, and Dylan’s broom appeared in his hands again, and he was flying, straight toward the ground, keeping level with Jordan, who was still unconscious. Finally, Jordan woke up, summoned his broom, and bean the duel again, this time he was bellowing the attacks.
They were now only 100 feet from the nearest mountain peak. With a lift of his hand, a huge ball of snow rose into the air and threw itself at Dylan. He waited until the snow was right in front of him, and then teleported to the side of Jordan. Jordan, who was still looking at the snow ball, did not see the fire stream coming from Dylan’s hands before it was too late. He was engulfed in fire, and he fell off his broom. Dylan did not think this would happen, and a pool of water appeared under Jordan, extinguishing the flames. With a frantic snap of his fingers, ropes attached themselves to the unconscious Jordan and tied him to Dylan’s broom, who landed on a nearby mountain.
Jordan woke up 15 minutes later. Dylan knew that he had because he felt a knife go straight through his leg. “OWWW!” Dylan screamed. He then saw, terrified, that Jordan was raising his hand for another blow. Dylan was too fast for him, however, and ropes appeared in thin air and bound him, chained him to the ground. After he had healed his leg, he undid the ropes.

aBIGsheep
12-14-2008, 04:10 PM
I love stories like these. They're so very entertaining.
:]

Lonesome Cowboy
12-14-2008, 08:22 PM
Nice work. I enjoyed the "suburban kid-magician goes AWOL" story line.

Silas Thorne
12-14-2008, 08:32 PM
Is constructive criticism permitted, or is this a nod nod and pat on the back place? Sometimes that's nice too. :)

I have some comments but I'm holding them back, unless given the go ahead.

cundiff11
12-14-2008, 08:52 PM
Thanks for the feedback.. Cowboy what do you mean suburban kid-magician goes AWOL? and yes, any type of criticism or tips or anything would be appreciated. and if people like it, i will probably write more. but if it sounds stupid, then ill stop because i know stories can sound stupid to people other than the writer.

aBIGsheep
12-14-2008, 08:58 PM
Really, do you want me to say how I really feel about this piece? No holds barred and completely bare-butt honest?

cundiff11
12-14-2008, 09:17 PM
Yeah, go ahead sheep. it'll be appreciated

aBIGsheep
12-14-2008, 09:43 PM
It's unoriginal, uninspired, and completely mundane. It's just another Harry Potter rip-off. Broomsticks? Wands? Witches and Wizards? Learning magic? Really! Where'd you get all of these ideas? You go so far to even use the world "muggles" in your explanation of magic. That's a word coined solely to Harry Potter.

I could go a bit more in depth, but then I'd just be ranting.

You can do better. The only differences I see from this and Harry Potter is that this Dylan kid is some sort of God. Really now? If I had that power then I'd go out and rule the world, not fly around on a broom stick.

I'm being honest about this. If you want, you could read my short stories and be just as honest with them as I am with you.

cundiff11
12-14-2008, 10:32 PM
Yes, it is like harry potter. And i love harry potter, i've read all the books at least a few times.. but you can't say that wands and flying broomsticks came from harry potter.. we've all heard of those before. and this is just the first chapter, its just a kid having fun. hes not really a god, just a really strong wizard. and im not really writing this to get anyone's approval, and id on't really expect anything, i just like imagining these types of things. where are your short stories? i'd like to read them

cundiff11
12-14-2008, 10:33 PM
oh and for the muggle thing, its just a place holder. i couldn't think of anything else. im going to write something else in when i think of something.

aBIGsheep
12-14-2008, 11:03 PM
But you use broomsticks and wands so closely to Harry Potter that you can't ignore the similarities. But if you're writing it for your own whims, more power to you.

Here are some of my stories:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40173
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40280

Silas Thorne
12-14-2008, 11:06 PM
Big sheep, you took the words out of my mouth. I wanted to make almost the same comments. Honestly, Cundiff11, I really think you should read a bit more than Harry Potter, particularly if you want to write fantasy. There's plenty of other good stuff out there apart from Adrian Mole on a broomstick. And how can you develop your story if your main character is so powerful from the beginning? If he isn't a god, he's close enough to be one.
Harry Potter had to study a lot to get a bit of power,didn't he? He had weaknesses..his friends often had to save him. . . and he was nowhere near as powerful in many ways as many of the people around him, such as (Jesus/Gandalf) Dumbledore.

This is only my opinion, of course. Feel free to ignore it. I'm just trying to help. :)

aBIGsheep
12-14-2008, 11:14 PM
How could someone have so much power and still be able to control it? I could understand if he went around accidentally blowing stuff up, because hell, he's still a kid which is all the more interesting. It's when he starts going around spinning things and wiping minds and busting fire out of his keester that you lose a lot of the, uh, connection? Just running around and toying with everything like it was play thing is so . . . boring.

cundiff11
12-15-2008, 12:22 AM
yes i know what you all are saying.. but i have not yet compared him to other wizards besides his parents and jordan. perhaps all wizards will be equally as powerful as him, or even stronger? And i do read more than harry potter. all i read if fantasy, and if you can give me some good book suggestions i would be thankful. I have read the Eragon series, the bartimaeus, the children of the lamp, the hobbit, some of Narnia, and many others.. i don't remember all of the names. I really don't know what im doing with this story.. im just making stuff up as i go along.. so thanks for all the tips and feedback

cundiff11
12-15-2008, 02:52 PM
I've been thinking about it, and I think im going to revise the story a little bit. not too much, but just enough. however, i do not think i have given dylan too much power. i plan on everyone having as much as him, and the adults even more. Just in that chapter.. i didn't really get to show you the plot yet.

1n50mn14
12-15-2008, 03:09 PM
The similarities to Harry Potter, are, indeed, striking. I'm not discouraging you, but simply saying that no matter who reads it, they are going to see these similarities. Work out your storyline a bit more, contemplate if maybe you are just re-writing Harry Potter, please space out your dialogue in a readable format, and I'll be back.

Lonesome Cowboy
12-15-2008, 07:07 PM
Thanks for the feedback.. Cowboy what do you mean suburban kid-magician goes AWOL? and yes, any type of criticism or tips or anything would be appreciated. and if people like it, i will probably write more. but if it sounds stupid, then ill stop because i know stories can sound stupid to people other than the writer.

Did you read my stories man ? Well, y`know what ? They suck....and the guys n gals here at the forum let me know right off the bat.:lol: But one thing they all coincided with was there`s some passion in my writing. I wanna see some passion in yours. What is passion ? Ask yourself :

What things about this world tick me off ? What would make me shave my head and join the USMC ? What kinda people make me wish I lived on another planet ? What kinda people would I go to battle for ?


Now write it kid!!!!:crash:

Parvez Ahmed
12-29-2008, 03:13 AM
Nice magic in the writing!