short story- tell me what you think!

[newstory22]

It’s Friday, the break of dawn, as the sun’s beams peek over the horizon, the lack of restrictions, the fresh air sneaking in through the cracks of the window; it’s the beginning of fall when the air’s still cold but at the equivalent moment stimulating. The soft sounds of the birds’ melody stroking against your ears, the whistle of the wind making sure it doesn’t disturb your sleep, but at the same time enhancing the eardrum making you enjoy every moment.
It’s the time that you believe nothing can wake you up, you’re in that perfect moment when you believe life is great and how we thank lord for the gift he gave us, the gift of life, everything is going smoothly the weather, the atmosphere even the birds agree.
“Brrrrring brrrrrrring” the alarm screeches, “brrrrring brrrrring” its screams at you as if it’s your boss, commanding you to wake up.
“What the ****? Six already there must be a mistake” you whisper to yourself half unconscious. “**** work, **** my life, screw everyone I’m not waking up”, you murmur as you toss the duvet over your side, once again the little devil has ruined your life, it has smashed, destroyed, stamped every dream you ever had on having the perfect life. Since it’s so well mannered it even donated some of its precious time to piss on your dignity, your respect, your reputation. “Bloody alarm clock who’s the bloody bastard who invented it?” you care to say, as you make your way to the bathroom over the warn away carpet, but deep inside you know what it keeps out of sight, the “****ed up floor” all fractured away hidden by a thick layer of dust, that on the way you’re allergic to.

[Lonesome Cowboy]

but deep inside you know what it keeps out of sight, the “****ed up floor” all fractured away hidden by a thick layer of dust, that on the way you’re allergic to.


Go with this sh%$..."Tell-tale Heart" dude, "Tell-tale Heart"!!!! I love that frggin story. But put a twist on it man!!!:)

[mmaria]

Nice, funny, lively, original, in brief - I liked it, enjoyed it, smiled at it...

[Silas Thorne]

I'll put on my black hat (be critical): you need to improve your punctuation, and add (or remove) things like commas, question marks and exclamation marks.
Try reading the story aloud to see where you need to put them.

One example of where you could improve:

'Six already there must be a mistake'

If you read the above sentence aloud, there will be a natural pause. Could it be a question mark there, perhaps? Or an exclamation mark?

[newstory22]

thank you guys for the honesty. it's really helpful.

[Parvez Ahmed]

You have started on the journey - the great journey. But you must have great persistence - you must accept rejection - you must not move from you goal - you must write and write everyday, a little, a few words.

Make a rough outline of the story you are going to write. Then write it and revise.

There must be some sort of conflict in your story. Without conflict stories are no good.

Buy a guide on how to write stories or you can STFW for advise.

Select a few good books in your genre. Read them a few times.

[JacobF]

At the moment, it's more of an introduction rather than a full fledged short story. At the same time, I think it's got a lot of potential to be a funny and entertaining story if you added onto it. I want to know more about the main character's misfortunes.

[AuntShecky]

Please skip spaces between paragraphs.
The opening passage may have some flowery, if not totally original imagery, but has little or no bearing on the point of the story itself.

Consider a different time of day to set the story. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but when literary editors give their preferences they often say that they are tired of "stories which begin with the protagonist waking up in the morning."

[jekan blazer]

interesting...very interesting...