auspicious nightmare

[cogs]

my creator whispered me awake.
a pinch of credulity, the singular evidence,
after a lengthy influence of obscured perspective and hopeless frustrations;
a thankless debate of deficits meant
a relentless wind, with my tears the waves,
beached me in drowned lungs and dark unconsciousness.
pitched into this new dimension,
perplexingly aware of new bearings,
i'm gently jolted from the preceding pain
to a colorful expanse of fortuitous significance.
misery succumbed to insight:
the wise creator, through merciful fortunes, roused a fragile life's heart.


thanks for the comments/critiques!:)

[Dark Muse]

I really like this one, quite interesting, but I thought it had some great imagery

[cogs]

thank you... others have told me they like this, and i'm really surprised, because i don't understand what they're seeing that's different from my other poems... maybe someone could let me know

[Dark Muse]

Well I like it becasue it has a really smooth flow to it. I generally tend to be drawn to poems that have a natural flow, opposed to those that tend to be more choppy (though there are always exceptions, espcially with me)

Some of the lines just really jump out at me

I thought this was a beautiful and stirring open line.


my creator whispered me awake.

I just really like this one. And it is quite different


after a lengthy influence of obscured perspective and hopeless frustration

This has just a touch of darkness to it, and I can be a sucker to wind and water references


a relentless wind, with my tears the waves,

More yummy darkness


beached me in drowning lungs and dark unconsciousness.

This was just a great ending. It gave the poem a real sense lf wholeness or completness


misery succumbed to insight:
the wise creator, through merciful fortunes, roused a fragile life's heart.

Also some very uniquie use of langauge in the poem.

So there is my best efforts to explain why it appeals to me.

[cogs]

i want to really thank you, because now i understand what people see, and what touches them (internally... rhyme haha). flow, darkness, water, wind, completeness, unique language. great clues... thank you

[Dark Muse]

Haha well that is just one persons opinion but that is my best effort to at least explain my own reactions.

[Shadow Poet]

Yeah, this was well thought out. I am unknowing of your work but hope to read more soon.

[MorpheusSandman]

I really like it; a lot of great imagery and wonderful language. Just a few critiques.


my creator whispered me awake.This is a killer opening line.


after a lengthy influence of obscured perspective and hopeless frustration;This might work better if 'perspective' and 'frustration' were plural; you could but an 'an' before obscured but I think that would ruin the rhythm.


a relentless wind, with my tears the waves,
beached me in drowning lungs and dark unconsciousness.Great metaphor. Beauty in darkness if one of my favorite combos.


i'm gently joltedI always love good uses of paradoxes in writing and poetry; gently jolted is a good one, and the alliteration helps.

[cogs]

thank you... i think i'll add the 's' to frustration... also, thank you for pointing out the paradox idea, because i'll use that more. one more thing, i hate this line:
"my selfish deliberation of deficits or unattainable profits;"... it doesn't flow... keeping the original thought, any suggestions?

[MorpheusSandman]

I'd use something like "My self debate of deficits" and cut the last bit.

[cogs]

edited some lines, please check...

[malcolmx]

nice one

really.