just a poem

[Riesa]

Reflection On Losing What Matters Least

I found the key to the lock of my heart,
twas heavy, once golden,
the patina of disuse had turned it burnt-pink,
like a flamingo's wing snagged on a sunbeam.

Heart was bound-up in ages old silk
farmed from spiders raised on butterfly milk;
Lock oiled with the red of a wicked rose;

Gushing, and finally free,
the stupid thing latched immediately onto he
and just like that;
Imprisoned.

"Umm, Miss,
you must be mistaken,
I only wanted part of it,
the part that loves my dangly bits
would've have done,
or just the tip is enough,
I don't need,
you give too much.
oh
what's that you were saying,
I've forgotten."

After this battle fought and lost,
I said to the mirror,
"Too bad you're old,
sad, and short on sense."

and it replied,
"Too true, it's true,
but you are so damn
beautiful!
it makes up for that.."
so there we go,
reinventing the mirror.

[firefangled]

Riesa, I always enjoy reading your poems.

This one is almost shocking in a truth that besets us all, if we are as honest with ourselves as we would have the world be to us.

This is like a brutal fairy tale. Very well done.

[blp]

I like it, but I think it needs work. Like, for instance, I don't think the lone archaicism in the first S is doing any good. And I don't think 'snagged' is quite the verb you're looking for or 'sunbeam' quite the noun. Is 'unuse' a word? Me and firefox say no. 'disuse' is though. Why no article at the beginning of S2? Because 'Heart' has become an autonomous character? Maybe. But why not give the clause on its imprisonment a proper sentence structure instead of just a word? I think it could use it. 'Dangly bits' seems a little obvious somehow.

It's good from 'what's that you were saying...' on.

[cogs]

love it... inspired me to write:
cloak (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=645916#post645916)
you have such great imagery.

[Riesa]

thanks, firefangled, blp and cogs..for reading and comments.

ff, I'm so glad for the way you see things.

blp, I think we come at it from such different angles...it's just how it gets itself written, and how it sounds to me when I'm happy with it..frankly, I don't care if the grammar is screwy, or the words are made-up...and dangly bits! that's one of my favorite parts..always makes me laugh. but, who knows, perhaps in the end your wisdom will prevail, if I come back to this in a few years, your criticisms might be glaringly obvious to me, maybe I'm just not ready yet.

" But why not give the clause on its imprisonment a proper sentence structure instead of just a word?" and you say that I'm the enigmatic one. ;-)

cogs...thanks so much! that's a compliment, indeed.

[blp]

It will prevail. It will.

[Riesa]

it did with that one a long time ago. I don't doubt your superior skills, Sport. :D

[Il Penseroso]

Yay! Riesa is back with poetry! exciting..., and hopefully inspiring...


I'll play Kant and make points in agreement with both Riesa and blp.

First off, keep the obscurity and tendril-like lack of sentence structure! but, I do agree with blp on the unuse - disuse carries the assonance in that line.

I do really like "snagged on a sunbeam." This exotica turns the reader on his feet after the first line and apparent Dickensonian elements. If anything, give us more of this.


That said, I think the italics could use polishing and tightened. I don't understand what's going on with "would've have done," and it doesn't sound so pretty as the rest.

I agree with blp that the ending works.

Hope this helps. :)

[Riesa]

disuse it is, thanks.

would've done.. same as "could have stopped there"
it isn't really a sentiment for prettiness, is it? maybe a little line jangling was in order. thanks for reading.

you are starting to sound like a teacher, IP. :)

[Virgil]

Double yay!!! I always love a Riesa poem. And this one does not fail. This is very good Reisa. That opening line with it's mundane (actually it's a cliche) voice just suggests irony. I think it's the rhythm (I found the key to the lock of my heart) you chose there that just suggests that you're going to undercut such an romantic notion. And the next line follows up with more dripping irony, "twas heavy, once golden." I happen to like the "twas" for three reasons: (1) the irony as I just mentioned, (2) it's not an archaic here but a personal quirk that some people have in their speech and I think this poem rests on a very personal experience, and (3) the alliteration echoes wonderfully with the "too bad" and "too true" on the bottom half of the poem. And the third line, perhaps the best in the poem, contrasts rhythmically with what's come before so that the irony is definitely apparent. There's a wonderful contrast between the rhythms of the first and third line and I think from that contrast we hear the the theme of the poem.

I'm fascinated with this stanza:

Gushing, and finally free,
the stupid thing latched immediately onto HE
and just like that;
Imprisoned.
Again a personal speech quirk "the stupid thing" rings nicely here. I'm a little confused by "HE." Is that an acrynom or a capitalized "he"? And if so should you mean "him?"

And I love the dialogue that follows. Very nicely done. It didn't require any transition, or at least you did it so smoothly with "Umm Miss." Hahaha, so enjoyable. I love the rhythm those last stanzas, almost all single syllable words.

And all the irony comes to a climax with that last stanza:


and it replied,
"Too true, it's true,
but you are so damn
beautiful!
it makes up for that.."
so there we go,
reinventing the mirror.

I think there is a double irony there, the mirror speaking what's presumed to be a lie (even though you really are beautiful, Riesa ;)) and then the speaker underines the mirror.

Notice also how "too true" or "it's true" echoes "twas". Not sure if you planned that but I like it. Nice poem Riesa. :)

[Riesa]

exactly, It IS supposed to suggest irony, thank you.

I used "twas" because it forces the notion of a ridiculous little girl sighing. O' Melodrama.

"HE" means *insert male name here* do you have an idea that would work better, Virg?

thanks, Virgil, I feel you really picked up most of what I wanted to say, and how I wanted it said. I appreciate your time and comments!

and yes, the mirror doesn't lie, I am beautiful even though. :p

[Virgil]

Perhaps simply "he." I think the grammatically correct word would "him" so the ungrammatical would give it emphasis and not confuse with the capital letters. Or maybe "him" works just fine. It comes at the end of the line and it seems to have plenty of emphasis and irony.

Oh wait, I see what you mean. It's just a generic male. Not sure.

[cogs]

i see that HE was a rhyme with free. maybe, 'unlatched from a masculine key'?

[Riesa]

It sounds nice, mr. ? miss? cogs. but one, it's yours. and two. it sounds incredibly good and perfect, and it's yours. and I'm not sure what it means.

[cogs]

mr. , and i see what you mean. perhaps, "manacled me by a masculine key".

[Riesa]

yes, I see that. and yet I don't think it improves my original 'HE'. I tried to fancy up the font, but ADMIN refuses to improve the font situation around here, so my options were limited. ;-) pleased to meet you mr. cogs. :D

[Epistemophile]

beautiful poem, riesa. inspired me to write the following:

one day i asked my friends 'what are you?'
another day they replied 'nothing new'
another day came and went away
yet another and my friends said 'goodbye'

one cold evening while lying half-asleep
i muttered to my dreams 'how deep?'
my dreams took me by the hand and led me
to the place where people never sleep

one summer afternoon i wondered if she loved me
the trees seemed to know and swayed nodding
my simple love floated high in the breeze
ignorant of dark storms conspiring


turned down by everyone i turn to the mirror
burnt out and fading fast i try and gasp harder
to catch a glimpse of my cloistered single soul
but the mirror betrays and shows me someone else.

[Riesa]

beautiful poem, riesa. inspired me to write the following:

one day i asked my friends 'what are you?'
another day they replied 'nothing new'
another day came and went away
yet another and my friends said 'goodbye'

one cold evening while lying half-asleep
i muttered to my dreams 'how deep?'
my dreams took me by the hand and led me
to the place where people never sleep

one summer afternoon i wondered if she loved me
the trees seemed to know and swayed nodding
my simple love floated high in the breeze
ignorant of dark storms conspiring


turned down by everyone i turn to the mirror
burnt out and fading fast i try and gasp harder
to catch a glimpse of my cloistered single soul
but the mirror betrays and shows me someone else.
well,, there we go: poetry inspiring poetry

[Riesa]

beautiful poem, riesa. inspired me to write the following:

one day i asked my friends 'what are you?'
another day they replied 'nothing new'
another day came and went away
yet another and my friends said 'goodbye'

one cold evening while lying half-asleep
i muttered to my dreams 'how deep?'
my dreams took me by the hand and led me
to the place where people never sleep

one summer afternoon i wondered if she loved me
the trees seemed to know and swayed nodding
my simple love floated high in the breeze
ignorant of dark storms conspiring


turned down by everyone i turn to the mirror
burnt out and fading fast i try and gasp harder
to catch a glimpse of my cloistered single soul
but the mirror betrays and shows me someone else.

it's a really nice poem, you and I are a lot alike..