Alicia's Many Many Poems

[AliciaLoh]

Since I'm not one to disobey rules, I'll be posting all my poems here. My poems have all been copyrighted as a compilation. The compilation is called 'Glimpse Of Heaven':blush:. Here are some.

Heart Beat

Make my heart beat,
When thoughts flicker to you,
So deep… So blue…,
I hyperventilate, just thinking of you,
That smile; one corner of your mouth just higher than the other,

Familiar sense of mischievousness,
Dancing about your lips,
I’m craze to even think… I know,
But I can’t resist,
Thoughts already astray,

Heart still pounding,
As your eyes still blue,
Pulse still racing,
Hair still a luscious deep brown,

You’re so far,
Yet a heartbeat away,
Indeed you are reason why,
My heart beats,
‘Til this moment,
So yeah, you’re my heartbeat and so much more. ~

Please tell me what you think!:)

[AliciaLoh]

I'll post some more later...

[AliciaLoh]

I've got a blog. www.alicialoh.com !

I've also been interviewed by newpapers with 3 page cover spreads...!! I'm looking for a publisher... I've got more than 17 poems to my name. British Council, which is a English institute backs me up stongly. I've been going there since I was 7.

[AliciaLoh]

bump.

[cogs]

if you're going to be printed, i'll let you know what i see:




Heart Beat

[I]Make my heart beat,
When thoughts flicker to you,
So deep… So blue…,
I hyperventilate, just thinking of you,
That smile; one corner of your mouth just higher than the other,

the first two lines are confusing, because the 'when' is missing the 'you' in 'make my heart beat'. i'd just change it to 'my heart beats'. also, your thoughts are the subject, so i wouldn't repeat it, i would just describe the thoughts themselves, along with their result.


Familiar sense of mischievousness,
Dancing about your lips,
I’m craze to even think… I know,
But I can’t resist,
Thoughts already astray,

it's good that you're describing the nouns, but i would use the descriptions as the picture itself, such as what the craziness is like, or how the thoughts go astray.


Heart still pounding,
As your eyes still blue,
Pulse still racing,
Hair still a luscious deep brown,

the 'still' is redundant, because i don't think the continuation of all these things is the point you want to focus upon, but upon the way these things affect you. like, how are they related, or what are they like(simile)?


You’re so far,
Yet a heartbeat away,
Indeed you are reason why,
My heart beats,
‘Til this moment,
So yeah, you’re my heartbeat and so much more.

good contrast between near and far... i don't understand how ''til this moment' relates... the 'so yeah' is a bad conclusion starter... maybe transition the thought better... 'so much more' is too general and nondescriptive...
now that i've torn it up, please ignore me and keep writing! :p