HI first time author need bit of helpon intro

[awglass1]

Just having an idea for a story and have the intro written and wondering how it sounds and if to bother to write the whole story. would really appreciate feedback.
Thanks

[awglass1]

The feeling is overwhelming. Before your brain has even processed the stimulus you know the outcome. The taste at the back of your throat, that sickly sweet vile tinge filling your mouth slowly draining down into your lungs. Breathing deeper, exhalation collapses your chest until the pounding of the heart bangs into ribcage, shuddering your entire body. The quake shakes your finger tips and deafens your ears. Each beat now is all that you hear; thud, thud, thud, thud. The deep note playing its gradual crescendo to the inevitable collapse of your soul. The heart cruelly beating empty draining blood from your face and stomach. Nature is preparing you for fight or flight but all you can do is sink deeper. Shoulders drop, eyes become heavy and its only you in the world, well, you and her. Love hurts.

[optimisticnad]

I like it, very descriptive. Like how you ease into your last line.

Can't really say whether you should bother writing the rest - only you know that. However I don't see why you shouldn't. Good luck. Perhaps post fragments in a blog form on this site.

[Captain Pike]

I began to thing this was a description of drowning. Isn't that ironic? I guess the quake, but, thought, along with... sink deeper, ahem, points to something altogether different then, doesn't it?
I'm surprised I didn't "get it" at first.

[awglass1]

why would you breath out while drowning?

[Sonofjohn]

why would you breath out while drowning?

He said he began to think, not that he came to the conclusion of... Either way, I am quite impressed. I would like to read the finished version if it comes to it.

[Captain Pike]

why would you breath out while drowning?
well, one wouldn't WANT to breathe out, but, that's just it. When one drowns, one faces the ultimate contradiction: being forced to breathe out, one faces the ultimate and fatal necessity, to breathe in, this time, with water! What a horrible realization, and then coughing underwater, what a hellish way to go.

I know something of this. I was once killed in an automobile accident. The car flipped over at high speed,it landed upside down with such force, and my shoulder harness was in place, so that the roof of the car just folded my neck over the shoulder harness, breaking the C-5 vertebrae! I could speak, and in so doing, I had exhausted my lungs of their air. I was then unable to draw breath; unable to breathe in, a sucky plight believe me, everything went black.

[awglass1]

lol well thanks for the feedback and sorry if previous reply sounded blunt. have been thinking and i suppose it does have a comparison to drowning. i'm definitely trying to describe an over whelming feeling. thanks for feedback just never even tried writing before so many thanks

[The Beard]

I like it awglass. You succeed in grabbing the attention of the reader, which is vital for an introduction of a short story. The second sentence needs to be changed slightly, grammar wise it seems a little off. But yeah, definitely write it :D

And for the record, I also began to think of drowning, which makes the ending revelation quite effective. It is a good thing that people might initially make this misconception, because... can anybody deny that heartbreak feels like suffocation?

Write it mate, I would like to read the rest for sure.

[aBIGsheep]

Uhm, I'm sorry to break the little train of compliments but I don't like it. I'll be the first to admit it.

It's trying much too hard to be something. You have all these $5 dollar words but they don't add anything -- they don't bring any life.

The first sentence is bland. The feeling is overwhelming? Start right in the thick of it! Where the guns are blazing and the action is hot! Start with the heart beat, then move your way onto something more descriptive.

Here, look at this:

1) I love my dog. Patsy slobbered all over my face.
Eehh, its aight
2) Patsy slobbered all over my face. I love my dog.
I hope you see the difference

[Parvez Ahmed]

My friend Awglass, you have taken the right step. Writing is the best thing in this world. "Remember writing is only revising."