Optimism Prime

[wagravity]

The screw up lectures from family members come again
As frequent as congratulatory comments came during high school
A superstar athlete, "A" and "B" student, extracurriculars to boot
But today being the world's biggest disappointment isn't easy

I am not the golden child, I will never claim to be
Not like my brother who seems to have everything under control
He's got a house, a wife, a good job, and a college degree
The more I focus in on that, the more I realize what I do not want

I've taken a few different paths but none seemed to fit
The Marine Corps, college, and random jobs that I quit
I want a brand new beginning, where no one knows my past
Where I am confident again, where no one reminds me of what I've done

Although my family is still there to help me
I know they're completely unhappy with everything I've done
I've made a few mistakes and have a record and fines to haunt me
I've learned a few lessons with each failure I've come across

Today, at 23 years of age, I finally have a vision
I know I can work my way out of all the trouble I've gotten into
I'm still young, I'm still me, the same as I've always been
I still know which end is up and intend to walk that direction

With the support from very few, the ones who still believe
The very few who never gave up on me even when I did
I still remember the proverbial meltdown my father has said to me,
"Glass houses will sink ships long before all of your chickens have hatched"

[imthefoolonthehill]

right for me they never felt.

This line is strained. You don't need to rhyme things to make it poetry.

I understand that you have a scheme going on here, but if you must strain this much in order to make it fit, then it is not worth it.

I would take the first two stanzas, and tack them on to the end. Try it, an see if the poem still works for you. Play with it. Play not just with message, play with the sound.

I would almost suggest that you sacrifice content to accommodate what is missing in this poem: the lyrical quality

Remember, it is your poem, not mine, so do what you like.

Keep writing.

[wagravity]

thank you for the input, i appreciate it. i love advice because stuff usually isn't best on first draft, i usually don't put first drafts up, but after another thanksgiving intervention on how i need to grow up and do something with my life and all that happy horse----. i just sat down and posted. i'm not particularly happy with how it came out myself. but i'll check it out and see what i can do.

thanks