Ants in a big, big world

[Helga]

It's totally dark outside now and it's snowing. Everybody in my house have fallen asleep, even my dog. I was looking out the window watching the lights and the houses. I felt so small. Don't you ever get that feeling. Like your just an ant doing your job, and everything you do has an affect on the ants around you. You walk around, blind and oblivious concerning the world around you. You are so small. I am so small and I wonder what I do in this world. Am I contributing anything to the ants around me. Why am I like this, why can't I be like someone else?!

Have you ever looked around you and the people you see are talking about meaningless things like clothes or the opposite sex. I am so glad I am not like them but still I wish I was. You probably don't get it.

People say I'm pretty. And everybody tell me to wear tighter clothes and put on some make-up. I don't want to. I have never dated a boy for more than 2 months. I've never liked a boy enough to get to know him and let him know me. I am 19 years old and I have never had a real crush. My mom met my dad when she was 19.
I have three friends, one has a baby, one just bought an apartment with her boyfriend and she is pregnant, the third one is renting an apartment with her boyfriend. I don't understand why I can't live. Why don't I have a life?

I just wanted to get this out and I wonder if anyone can relate. Maybe I am just crazy...

[mono]

You seem the opposite of "crazy" to me, Helga; I have accustomed myself to refusing that word to even the most mentally unstable. If I labelled you with any one word/term: reflective wisdom. Most members of your age, you remain correct, tend to focus on . . . to put it nicely . . . aspects of termed-lower faculties. That you sit and reflect one evening what most members of your age group would consider "simple," and meditate on a subject resembling the "butterfly effect" (ants randomly affecting other ants indirectly), I find admirable, to say the least.

[Stanislaw]

I think I know where you are coming from, I have had a similar expieriance a few months ago. Of my highschool friends I am the only one in post-secondary, the rest work. And looking at 'the big picture' it seems so fruitless and fuitile,

now I have had a real crush, I suppose the term could be, and I long for that girls company. Its like a faint shadow of a pleasing memory, and it seems to haunt me asmuch as it benifits me.

I hope you feel 'better' it seems that these feelings are more of a hinderence than a blessing! (try not to think about it to much and let it fade into subconsiosness, I find it esier to try and ignore such feelings, they haunt you otherwise.)

[baddad]

Helga: 2 things;

THINGY NUMBER 1:
First of all, it is the people who DO NOT suffer periods of introspection that are being left to wallow in life. Those subject to an everyday indifference to a metaphsical existence are quietly at a loss of a gift the universe does not bestow upon everyone, but only a few. I have, at one time or another, in my many many days upon this earth, begged, prayed and whined about my curse/blessing of not being a simple person with simple wants and needs. Sure, to be intellectually simple, to never wonder about yourself, your place in life, your fit into the social fabric of friendship interaction, and a host of other introspective questions may seem a small price to pay for peace of mind, but the world needs people who question the realities of life, the world needs those of us that bring beauty through our introspective pain that leads to our poetry, our prose, our paintings and sculptures. The world desperately needs people to question the status quo on all levels, and all accepted beliefs and philosophies. Believe it or not, though it may be difficult to glimpse through a fog of questioning self examination, we are blessed, those of us with the fortitude to question existence itself. Your not alone. Welcome to the pack. It is actually quite crowded here (and I don't mean this website, but life's true experience). Hugs all around!!

Thingy Number 2:

Societies place a huge pressure upon men and women to get into and stay in a relationship. Societies have many reasons for wanting this, not the lest of which is social and economic stability, and so massive amounts of pressure and money are spent, through the mass media in particular, in order to keep us in line, keep us docile, keep us keepin' on the path, keep the cogs of the 'machine happy and turning blissfully.
Now, relationships between people are natural, always will be, but no amount of peer pressure or social pressure should make us feel bad, or question the worth of ourselves, just because we may have other priorities at any given point in our lives.

Lonliness is no reason to dash into a relationship. Neither is peer pressure, sexual pressure, etc. And don't even get me started on the Valentine's Day hoopla. I mean, who started this idea anyway? Chocolate companies, the greeting card companies, the 'cut flower' lobby? It is all *cow-pies*, just another form of control over the masses.

Enjoy who you are, where you are, when you are. You are normal. Baggy clothes never killed anyone.......

Besides, your looking good!! Keep on keeping on.

[Miss Darcy]

I feel like that too, sometimes. When you think of the vastness, or even infinity of the universe (I, personally, believe it's infinite, because if not, what's outside it? We know that "empty space" is pretty much impossible....this is of course physically, but metaphysically there's certainly no end), you realise (this is what I meant Stanislaw) - we don't exist. Not really. We all have this illusion, we see from the our own perspectives, and though we know there are others most of us are trapped within our own minds, our own egos, like a bird within a cage. Our thoughts chase us continually, confining us to a rigid existence, not knowing about the really important things...

I know what you mean about that stuff and I feel practically the same. All my friends seem to be so into makeup and boys and stuff (well...some of my friends are more sensible, but just look at the general teenage female population and you think how silly they are...) and well it all seems such utter folly. I mean, so much on the surface. I'm suddenly beginning to be a little more understanding about these things (I sort of fell for a boy only recently and am still getting over it) but all the same, it is quite silly. At thirteen I termed the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as "a casual serious relationship"...Well, I digress, but I guess you know what I mean.

This is longer than I had intended!

Miss Darcy

[Helga]

When I read what I wrote I see myself asking for pity and comfort and that was not what I wanted in the begining. I just get like this every once in a while, and I can't sleep because I keep thinking and wondering why life is the way it is, why I am the way I am. I just wonder if anyone else is feeling like this.
This website is the only place were I can get a honest answer and not feel like an idiot.
Do you ever get the feeling that everything you do and say has no meaning and it wouldn't matter at all if you didn't say it. I want everything to have a purpose, but it dosen't.

[Monica]

I'm also 19, I also keep thinking about stuff like: why do I live, is there sense in all that and why to live at all if everything will finish sooner or later. I also keep thinking about what was it like some 5 years ago when everything made sense to me and had its purpose. I was just happy that I live and everything was fine. During the past 4 years the whole world was black for me. Total inertia and nonesense. Like:

I look inside my self
And see my heart is back
I see my red door
And I want it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away
And not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up
When your whole world is black

Now I don't deny reality as I used to because I came to realise there's no point in worrying about things like that -- you can't change them anyhow. What you can do is simply do things that make you happy and that make the people you care about happy.
I'm not sure if what I write here is comprehensible. I just hope, Helga, you're fine.

PS You have feelings :)

[Jay]

One friend told me that everything happens for a purpose. The fact that I can't seem to see too many of purposes doesn't mean that there's none. I guess it's not seeing the purposes as much as believing in them, because if you can't see any and don't believe in them as well... you might start getting dangerous ideas, such as if you can't see the purpose of your life... why bother living it. You see my point? I agree with baddad. If everyone of the 'insane' people who can't seem to find purpose in life or things in general, decided to just quit - only the 'sane' and 'safe' masses would remain (don't mean only alive kinda remain, but for example stay active in life, not letting it just pass by). Now if there's only a mass of mindless creatures (not talking about animals, the planet would be a nicer place without most of the people) who can't appreciate their life, where would that put the human kind?
whoa, guess I could just read that again and try to accept it.

*edit* just reading Monica's reply... if it helps, I'm 21 and not in a relationship as well, never have been

[Anselmus]

This is why I like movies such as ‘It’s a wonderful Life’ and ‘Mr. Destiny’. I understand what you’re saying, and as movies like these point out we lead, or simply live, by example and this affects others in many unseen ways. Live a life with integrity, compassion, and do what’s right, and who knows the extent of how that will affect people around you.

Who’s to say that life must have a specific purpose? I’ve come to be content – happily – that my life assists in making other lives happier or more fulfilled, and I also still have this inkling of a dream that around some corner later in my life all of the good, responsible, honest, and sincere development of my life may be needed for a purpose I do not yet see, or understand. And if not, no harm done.

I’ve mistakenly spent years of my life caring largely to try and make myself appealing to the opposite sex when I felt I wasn’t, only to find that I am, but then to discover that I didn’t truly like what I thought I wanted; the outside demeanor and appearance of the desirable women didn’t provide for the good and genuine soul that I need. I still find it exceeding difficult to wander among all of the attractive people, painted and frivolous, and be lonely, looking for the ‘odd-ball’ that has a soul that might accompany mine.

I can only imagine how difficult it is at 19 (passed a long time ago for me), but I do know that the things you don’t understand now will be clearer and less frightening as you live and become wiser – don’t ask me how, but it does. I can only advise, when in doubt do what’s right, be honest, and care, so later in life, when you understand better, you can look back on your own life and be proud of yourself.

It’s without a doubt a vast topic - *deposit 2 cents*

And, if you're up for a long, sad drama, Bill Murray starred in a not-so-wellknown movie 'The Razor's Edge' - it is, in essence, about this very topic.

[Koa]

Helga, I can relate to every single word. I've ranted about things like these around here in the past...

I have no advice or stuff to say, just it's incredible how it's possible sometimes to understand someone... I perfectly know what you mean, I'm proud to be "different" but I feel it as a curse. I'm nearly 23, never had a real relationship (the only one I had was a long-distance one, and it started when I was 20 anyway), haven't had a real crush since the age of 16 to last year... I do talk about men and sometimes even about clothes, but that's conversation... Last year I had a very bad phase, I felt very lonely because all my friends have boyfriends, one of them recently complained about her sister moving in with her bf, while she's still stuck at home and her new bf is in another city...What should I say? At the same age, I don't know what a proper date is. Sometimes people tell me that I'm a very nice and interesting person, it's so flattering, but on a sidenote, it's only girls who say that to me :S So many times in the past 3-4 years I've wished to be someone else...Things would be easier, but on another side it wouldn't maybe be so funny...Maybe I wouldn't have written any poem, if I was someone with a so-called "normal" life, a boyfriend since the age of 14 and I could feel totally happy just reading Cosmopolitan... Not that my poems matter, but they're mine, I mean, it's me.

And now I should say what people always said to me: that things will change, your moment will come etc. But I won't say it, it's sooo boring. Honestly, in this moment of my life everything is ok, I've just lived a wonderful experience of studying abroad whic proved to myself that I'm able to be sociable, to enjoy trivial things, even to flirt to a certain degree. In a sense, I m afraid that this is changing me, I sometimes even feel like putting some make up on and wonder why, is it to create a mask through which I hope to be seen as pretty? I hate other girls to tell me advices like "why dont you ever wear make up, it would make you look prettier, why dont you do something different to your hair...Then dont complain that boys dont look at you". It's just not me... Or maybe it wasn't me, and now it can be, I don't know...(it's not that I dont care at all about how I look like, as I used to as a teenager...I just dont care as much as some people I know. I hate hairdressers for example :D)

Enough babbling, all I wanted to say is that I do understand and I think I'm not the only one. Maybe it's pointless to say it, but it might help, at least I love it when I express that kind of thoughts and notice that at least some people can relate to that.

Oh and I agree to every single word of the first part of badddad's post. While I thank him for the second part about the pressure of relationships. I do feel that, I do feel pressure sometimes coming from outside, not just from me. :goof:

[Scheherazade]

Reading all written above by all of you, I can't help but smile... Seems like regardless the walk of life we come from -as we are all from different countries with different stories to tell-, we all go through similar things as we get maturer and explore the world and ourselves. We all get baffled by similar questions:why, how, what? At times it is hard to find answers to these questions or to like the answers we have come up with.

Jay is right that the fact that sometimes we fail to see the purpose in life does not necessarily mean that they are non-existent. It is wonderful and noble to want things to have a purpose but maybe, like Anselmus, we need to take a positive step/action in giving meaning and purpose to things. We need to search for it if we really need to confirm it to ourselves... which is why the answer to 'what is the purpose of life? or our existence?' would be different for each and everyone of us. Because we find, define and appoint these meanings for ourselves, they are only true for us.

I am sure all of us, at different points in our lives, woke up one morning and thought we could not drag ourselves out of our beds to face the world because it did not make sense or did not have a meaning. Maybe on such days, we can tell ourselves 'I will do one thing to make my day meaningful today.' Like helping someone we don't know;doing some chores we have been postponing;call some friend we have not for sometime... It works for me. At night, when I am back in my bed, I think to myself, 'I have done what I aimed to do today if nothing else.'

As for longing for someone else in our lives... Unless we are happy with ourselves, no other person will make our lives complete. Once we are with that 'wonderful' other, we will still feel that something is 'missing'. And isn't it too much of a burden to put on someone else's shoulder to guarantee our happiness and satisfaction in life? Can we offer this to someone else? I couldn't dare say confidently that I could.

*deposits 2 pennies as she doesn't have any cents* ;)

[Helga]

thank you all for your reply's. I want say that I don't think outside pressure is the reason I want a relationship...I want to have someone to share my life with. sit in bed and read or watch tv.

Thank you Koa for your reply, I wanted to know if anyone understood me and I think you do. One thing, I wish I was 'normal', to find joy in talking about clothes or gossip.... Even though it means I wouldn't read or write, I would do anything...

[Stanislaw]

Maybe all of us should form a club or something, and then we can take over the world and change it for the better! :D

oh, btw. Sorry Mrs. Darcy, I misunderstood you, I am sorry if I seemed offensive, no hard feelings? :nod:

[baddad]

...*oh to be 'normal... instead of living in this bubble-like cocoon... young, lost, yet insulated from dangers I know nothing about, cut off from a muted world so busily active... but just beyond my yearning reach*

Genius fits no mold my friend....your feelings are shared by many, but not the masses. G.B Shaw claims that it is the non-conformists that change the world, and really, how could it be otherwise??

Your sun will shine...................you are not alone....

"All things are interrelated. Everything in the universe is a part of a single whole. Everythihng is connected in someway to everything else. It is therefore possible to understand something only if we can understand how it is connected to everything else".....'The Sacred Tree'

[Miss Darcy]

oh, btw. Sorry Mrs. Darcy, I misunderstood you, I am sorry if I seemed offensive, no hard feelings? :nod:

No, no, no offence at all! Don't worry, I don't get offended so easily. I only didn't reply to that post because I wasted my time in the games section :D and then had none left! :) Will make a point of replying soon.


I never could understand the point of boyfriends, as it is I think only rarely that people ever actually marry their boy- or girl- friends. Though it does make me feel lonely to see all my friends pairing off...you'd almost think we were having a second Noah's Ark. ;)

[Shea]

Here's my little story, and I hope it encourages you about relationships (because all your feelings, Helga, have been shared by me).

After I graduated from high school I lived in Ohio for three years and loved it. My favorite part was seeing the seasons change (I think most people here know I hate Florida), but also getting away from the big city that I grew up in. However, my best friend from the 10th grade came up to visit me that last summer and we "fell in love". He proposed, so off I was back to that hated State. But I was in love with someone that I'd known very well for 6 years so why shouldn't I? After about two months into our engagement, he turned into a different person! He quit talking to me and started making decisions without me. For example, he'd change the date of the wedding, and I wouldn't find out until we were in conversation with someone else! I put up with it for another three months, and then felt my heart ripped out. I was ready to get married, and was having the same feelings that you have. Why would God bring me all the way back here when he knew I didn't like it, and why did I have to lose my best friend too? The answer-- if I hadn't come back here, I would never have met my husband. Five months after I broke off the engagement, Leo and I started dating. He completes me in more ways than Alex ever could, and I find out new wonderful things about him everyday. It's not always easy, he defintely has his quirks. After two years of marriage, a lot of the things that use to make me mad, like putting empty cereal boxes back in the pantry, just make me laugh. I still get sad sometimes when I think about how I had to lose such a close friend, but then when I think of what I've gained, there is no question that it was worth it.

I'll shut up now.

[subterranean]

Well personally, I think talking about clothes, celebrities, and the opposite sex can be entertaining sometimes. They are worthless of course, when you always talk about those issues and consider them as the most important issues of the world. I got friends back in college, who spent most of their leisure times talking and shopping those things in Cosmo magazine. But I don't consider them as cheap people. They are just being themselves, and I couldn't say that they're so shallow just because they didnt know that in the next 3 months, the government is going to cut the subsidy the price of gas and oil. Agree that this kind of talks may be cheap and useless or don't have any purpose at all, but again in a way they can be entertaining sometime and we need them as intermezzos for all the serious things happening around us.



Have you ever looked around you and the people you see are talking about meaningless things like clothes or the opposite sex. I am so glad I am not like them but still I wish I was. You probably don't get it.



I too sometime feel that I'm a person without something significant thing in my life. I work 8 to 5, Monday to Friday. The routine sometimes killing me. Sometimes I feel so envy when for instance I read in the newspaper about a young writer, who (again) published a remarkable novel. And indeed, I have those mornings when I woke up in desperation with the thought "Darn, here I go again". And I feel so ordinary. But I guess when you still have the hope, you can always change it. The opportunity may not come yet, but it will sooner or later.
A friend of mine who already married and has a baby said "what more can a woman expect?" In a way, I guess she's right. She's happy, her husband got a great job and they have a lovely baby. But on the other hand, I think well I'm a woman, and I do want a husband and a baby someday, but I also expect more than that. So I guess it's best to never judged yourself with other people's standards, cause no matter what, you'll always loose.

[Stanislaw]

It is hard to find an individual role for oneself in todays society, there are many possibilities, and none seem to be exactly right! But I guess "we have no fait except what we make for ourselves"-John Connor (terminator II)

heh, I used a movie quotation but I mean what I say, It is really hard to find ones place in the puzzle of life.

[Shea]

I hate shopping for anything, but mostly because of the retail clerks (particularly here in the city). They can be so impersonal and wrapped up in themselves that they can get you out of a store with out even speaking to you and making you feel like you were a big bother to take money from. I work in part-time retail too, and because lack of attention I get from other clerks makes me want to do my job that much better and you wouldn't believe the amount of compliments I get just from being nice and having a genuine smile. I feel like I can off-set the drones just by doing little things, and it really makes a big difference becuase I make it a difference. (of course I'm taking from Stanislaw's quote)

[subterranean]

Shea, that's a very sweet story :)..I'm happy for you and 'tis indeed making me more convince that there's always a silver lining in every dark cloud :nod:


Here's my little story, and I hope it encourages you about relationships (because all your feelings, Helga, have been shared by me).

After I graduated from high school I lived in Ohio for three years and loved it. My favorite part was seeing the seasons change (I think most people here know I hate Florida), but also getting away from the big city that I grew up in. However, my best friend from the 10th grade came up to visit me that last summer and we "fell in love". He proposed, so off I was back to that hated State. But I was in love with someone that I'd known very well for 6 years so why shouldn't I? After about two months into our engagement, he turned into a different person! He quit talking to me and started making decisions without me. For example, he'd change the date of the wedding, and I wouldn't find out until we were in conversation with someone else! I put up with it for another three months, and then felt my heart ripped out. I was ready to get married, and was having the same feelings that you have. Why would God bring me all the way back here when he knew I didn't like it, and why did I have to lose my best friend too? The answer-- if I hadn't come back here, I would never have met my husband. Five months after I broke off the engagement, Leo and I started dating. He completes me in more ways than Alex ever could, and I find out new wonderful things about him everyday. It's not always easy, he defintely has his quirks. After two years of marriage, a lot of the things that use to make me mad, like putting empty cereal boxes back in the pantry, just make me laugh. I still get sad sometimes when I think about how I had to lose such a close friend, but then when I think of what I've gained, there is no question that it was worth it.

I'll shut up now.



Posted by Stan : Maybe all of us should form a club or something, and then we can take over the world and change it for the better

Another forum/club consist of US? Wow, I can't imagine what my life would be :D :D

[baddad]

THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND OR MAKE LIGHT OF THE SUBJECT OF THIS THREAD. IN TRUTH, MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL YOU YOUNGANS........

AAAhhhhhh hahahahahahahhahahhah.....hehehehehehehehehehheheh ehehe...

*choke-gasp*....hahahahahahahahha....hhehehehehehehehheh. ..*tears*..., *chuckle chuckle*

Oh mighty youth, How I miss it so!!!! I truly feel for those contributing to this thread who have been, or do find themselves, in the throes of desperate 'who am I??' Straights!! I often sit around the circle of sage fire wreathed in smoke, palms wafting swirls of incense to carry my prayeres heaven ward, eyes raised to the stars while I pray, pray, pray....never to be young again!!!!! It is just so damn tough on a metaphysical level!! HOOOOOEEEEEEEE!!! GLAD TO BE OLD!!!!!! HOO HOO Hee Hee....

[Miss Darcy]

GLAD TO BE OLD!!!!!! HOO HOO Hee Hee....

You look it. ;)
(That's glad, not old)

[subterranean]

Well he once a young man also, so he must indeed experienced the same thing back in the past ;)

[Miss Darcy]

Well he once a young man also, so he must indeed experienced the same thing back in the past ;)

Who? :S Mr The-word-old? ;)

[subterranean]

yeh..the bad dad :D

[EAP]

Helga, hey you aren't crazy - you're a teenager. :p

You enjoy life in your own way.

Other people who talk about sex, glitz and stuff also do it in their own way.
You are what you are. You can't be what you aren't. So why not just accept it and get busy living?

Sure peer pressure can be *****, but in general, if you stand firm and don't waver in front of the initial disdain it mostly balances off. People eventually get hold of the idea of accepting you for what you are. And if they don't then there isn't a whole lot you can do about it sadly.


thank you all for your reply's. I want say that I don't think outside pressure is the reason I want a relationship...I want to have someone to share my life with. sit in bed and read or watch tv.

But the question is, are you making an effort to find someone like that?
I hate to come out as a heartless s.o.b, but you have to act to gain what you want. Stuff like this won't be handed to you on a silver platter.
If you go out enough, meet enough like-minded people, interact, odds are you will find your desired objective sooner then latter. Of course, you have to ask yourself whether finding the right partner is worth the hassle of doing things you ordinarily despise.

baddad,

I am glad to be young, I am sure I'll also be glad to be old, but in general I am just thankful to be alive. :)

Oh, and what others before me said. [Excepting granddad baddad - I am sure his bouts of melancholic verbosity will pass soon enough :D :p]

[Koa]

I was reading all the posts since my last (as I havent been on the forum since then), and I pretty much agree with everything...Lol I would have never thought a "Terminator" quote to be so clever ;)

It is true that talking of clothes and such is not a sin, but there are people who only think of that...and people who think of that and are not shallow but they wouldnt talk about poetry either. Honestly, I used to hate shopping but now I'm sort of addicted to it sometimes... but still, I wouldnt go looking for designer clothes, or buy the latest book about the latest celebrity, even if I might have talked about this celebrity at some point (usually to ask who the hell is that after people have been talking about it for 2 months :D)

In a way I agree to the last comment EAP made. That s the ciritic that has always been made to me, why dont I just go out and meet people if I really want to find one. Thats true, boys dont come ringing at your door... but on the other hand, I know people that got a boyfriend just without doing anything, simply going to work or Uni/school, which are things I do but dont find my soulmate anyway. I ve been spending a long time alone as a teenager simply because I knew very few like-minded people...so i think in this also luck matters. As i said I ve been abroad for a while, met so many people, learnt to be sociable...yet I didnt find a boy, nor a cheap worthless kiss or anything (ok I just runaway when there is a remote chance for that, but my point is, it's not just about how many people you meet, you need to meet the right ones.). And now I m back here with the usual very few chnaces of meeting new people 8even if Im going out more than I used to), so for the next months there is no hope for my situation to change

Lol baddad, sometimes I think: when I will find my maturity, my identity and my peace of mind, how boring life will be? Sometimes Im horrified about thinking of a serious serene relationship...all that happiness would be too boring to stand ;) And I absolutely dont wish to get married and have children...Just someone to share things with, as Helga said.

And sorry but I have to spit this out... Shea, I dont mean to judge or to be mean, but I dont think you can fully understand, because your experience is so different. You're just a little older than me and happily married, you might have had your bad times before but that's a different thing... (at least for me, it's also the feeling of aging that makes me feel bad about the relationship thing). I assume you werent spending your Sundays alone at the age of 22 because all your friends had boyfriends, wondering what's wrong with you...

[baddad]

Lol baddad, sometimes I think: when I will find my maturity, my identity and my peace of mind, how boring life will be? Sometimes Im horrified about thinking of a serious serene relationship...all that happiness would be too boring to stand ;) ..


Good to see you back Koa.

Maturity (though I lay no claim to that state) does not imply complete happiness or contentment, but instead instills an attitude that worries less about the little things that terrify us when we are growing up, and more about enjoing life just for the thrill of it. At some point around 40 years of age all the little nagging doubts magically vanish, leaving one with an attitude of laiz a fair towards unimportant little details which in our younger days would have kept us up at night worrying. At some points in life, ignorance (and the welcome of it) IS bliss.........

[Helga]

after a converstation with Koa I wanted to bring this old thread back to life for some reason, and wonder.....are we still ants or are something bigger now?

[Koa]

what's smaller than an ant?

i'd be anything, providing it has wings...to travel... (*currently obsessed*)

[Jay]

There's so many things smaller than ants... and I find ants rather cute. If you've ever watched a documentary movie about ants and how 'clever' they are (or you might blame genetics and instincts and such) you just can't think of them as something insignificant.

[kilted exile]

Ok, storytime. However, I'll warn you just now this post may ramble on (and at times may leave the specifics of the topic).
Whilst I was at high school I was never exactly popular. Sure I played on some of the school sports teams and people at the school would have been able to recognise me, but no-one actually knew me. I used to spend every recess/free period holed up in one of the school labs either reading or working on some experiment to boost my grade (my level of intelligence aint as high as the majority of the people on this forum, and I was in danger of failing a few classes). Then at night when I got home I would not see anyone till late that night (parents split when I was three, and mother was putting herself through University as I was growing up, so during the week I rarely saw her), in fact there were plenty of days that would go by where I would end up not having said a single word all day.
By the time I reached 17 I was pretty seriously depressed, and on several occasions I was contemplating ending my life then and there to get away from the nothingness. Once whilst the mother was out I took a knife from the drawer, and sat on my bed crying, holding the knife to my wrist, realising that I could not go through with it. I was unable to do that to my mother, I knew that although my life might have been easier she would have died inside.
I have never mentioned any of this to either of my parents.The father would blame my mother for not noticing & my mother would blame herself for not being around more.
After I left high school that summer, I realised that all the stuff I had been worried about: grades/other peoples opinions/popularity/girlfreinds etc. were pretty damn unimportant things to be worried about. I then accepted that I was only one small part of society - just like everybody else I had gone to school with.
So to answer your question. HELL YEAH! I'm an ant, and I'm proud to be one, 'cos we sure as hell cant survive with 6.2 billion queens

[Nightshade]

you just can't think of them as something insignificant.
Thats a point Jay ants arent insignificant are they? I mean its sort of an all for one one for all existants they live? like clogs of a clock for better metaphore. And that makes each one important! ( I know Im rambling here Im finding it a bit difficult to come to the point!)
Anyways what I think Im trying to say is that anyone who engages in socity is an ant in a way yes even criminals or so called anti socials because they create a need for social institions like jails and police that are just more ants so there is no shame in being an ant!

actually on second thought this is a lot of incoherent nonsensical rambling and you are welcome to take it as anything you like!
;)

*edit* lol Kilted thats exactly what I ment who wants to be a queen anyway I was popular when I was much younger and the attention is highly overrated!!

[Koa]

After I left high school that summer, I realised that all the stuff I had been worried about: grades/other peoples opinions/popularity/girlfreinds etc. were pretty damn unimportant things to be worried about. I then accepted that I was only one small part of society - just like everybody else I had gone to school with.
So to answer your question. HELL YEAH! I'm an ant, and I'm proud to be one, 'cos we sure as hell cant survive with 6.2 billion queens

That's ok but I find it reductive to accept to be just a part of society....sounds like a grey worker orwell-style, or a soviet slogan... maybe it's not what you really mean, but it sounds like it... it's awful to be just like everybody, we need to have our own personality... it's great to accept what we have and what we dont have, but why reduce yourself to an ant seen in the way we look at them and they look all the same to us...

[kilted exile]

That's ok but I find it reductive to accept to be just a part of society....sounds like a grey worker orwell-style, or a soviet slogan... maybe it's not what you really mean, but it sounds like it... it's awful to be just like everybody, we need to have our own personality... it's great to accept what we have and what we dont have, but why reduce yourself to an ant seen in the way we look at them and they look all the same to us...

Ok, I'll try to make myself a liitle more clear (I aint too good with words however). Possibly the best way I can put it is instead of thinking how ants look to us, think about how the ants look to each other.
I used to put myself down and believed that because I wasnt popular I was somehow less important than other people, now however I just accept that I'm not meant to loud/outgoing etc. it doesnt make me any less significant nor does it make me any better.
I am actually ok with just being part of society, some people are suited to do great things with their lives. On the other hand people like myself have to play the role of the stagehand in the play of life.
I do have my own personality, but it is only seen by the few people I accept into my life.
I think I have probably made myself more unclear with this addition than it was with my original post.
Tell ya what, just blame the viewpoint on my calvinist, west of scotland upbringing :D

[Jay]

I actually prefer being an ant rather than a queen. (just a tiny thought... if there were 6.2 billion queens, the very few ants would become queens and the queens would become ants)
If you think about all that'll be required from you if you were a queen compared to requirements for ants... sure there'd also be priviledges coming with the 'job' of being a queen, but I don't think there'd be more of the pros than the cons.

[Koa]

Ok, I'll try to make myself a liitle more clear (I aint too good with words however). Possibly the best way I can put it is instead of thinking how ants look to us, think about how the ants look to each other.
I used to put myself down and believed that because I wasnt popular I was somehow less important than other people, now however I just accept that I'm not meant to loud/outgoing etc. it doesnt make me any less significant nor does it make me any better.
I am actually ok with just being part of society, some people are suited to do great things with their lives. On the other hand people like myself have to play the role of the stagehand in the play of life.
I do have my own personality, but it is only seen by the few people I accept into my life.
I think I have probably made myself more unclear with this addition than it was with my original post.
Tell ya what, just blame the viewpoint on my calvinist, west of scotland upbringing :D


I sort of understand cos don't worry, I've been the typical teenager who hides herself cos of not feeling fit in society - now I got a bit more open and sometimes even ready to party (I would have never thought it possible). It's ok to accept your own place I guess, it makes so many less problems... It's like, after one year or more of feeling useless for not having a boyfriend, I realised I dont need one that much cos I'm too much of a free spirit wanting to enjoy youth, not having to spend sundays with someone else's relatives... So ok, your point of view is more clear I guess...

[Chava]

I was thinking, after reading this thread, i'm 16, and i am a very outgoing person...and somehow, despite the fact that i'm sensible and knew i would only ever end up in a relationship that would somehow, "keep up" (yes, i know that's incredibly arrogant to say) with my own sense of intellectuality, and my own personality, i didn't.. i found a guy, didn't really fall in love, but settled in anyway, and now, when i look back, i realise how much i hated it... and it really shocks me... what was i doing? i'm to sensible for that! and now, i found a guy, i'd known him for little more than half a year, but the truth is... i love him. and as superficial as that may sound, i can really feel it inside me, like a complete rush of strings that have found a foundation to cling to, i am overwhelmed by my emotions, and truly i am beyond happy, because now i can smile even when it rains... and he has helped me to sort out who i am, having "found" myself if so... but we can talk about everything, from ancient legends, to politics, and somehow there's a deeper connection between us jst by looking each other in the eyes, and it's wonderful. i wouldn't replace it for anyhting, because he is a part of me, and i know it when we look ateach other, when we kiss, and i feel so incredibly sorry for those people who think they will never find happiness in someone else, and speand their lives worrying about it... it is possible to find someone to love without having to make compromises, and you will find them, or maybe they ill find you. I don't mean soul mates or anyhting, i'm just convinced that there are people who think the same as you do, and therefore, you will find each other...

phew.... sappy comment of the day.... the point is..............tada.............(drum rattle)............ that, every ant has the right to chose not to be one, and if being an ant is satisfactory, then that's okay, personally i've always preffered those you might refer to as oddballs, they are, most commonly the ones that have the most interesting things to say,and generally the only ones that are worth listening to... i tend to lose focus if people in class start jabbering about make up and thier love hate relationships... brr... chills...

[Koa]

er...sorry but we didnt need a detailed description of a love story...thanks, i hadnt felt a loser for a while now (and i stopped reading in time not to make the feeling become permanent again - or at least i hope i was in time)

*editing random cruelties against teenagers who are in relationships*

[Chava]

so sorry Koa, will try and reduce my current optimism to favour the current wave of negativity...

[Helga]

Well Chava, I'm just jealous. But I always get a bit annoyed when people younger than me find this kind of happiness. I am happy for you though!

[Chava]

you know, i've always been optimistic about things, and i'm generally a smiling sort of a person, and though i've been through things, i try always to find a good side in it... when i grew up in indonesia, everyday i saw people who were scrounging through trashcans, and children carrying other children begging amidst the cars, and that leaves an impression on you, no matter who you are. but being only about seven, and seeing the complete overwhelmingness on the face of a small kid when he was given 20,000 rupes. (less than 3 dollars) really stays in your mind. And i've always fealt incredibly fortunate to be the kid in the international school, which had stationary, and looking out on the kids who have a plastic cup to collect money in. I know that i can move on, i'll finish highschool, and i'll go on to university, i have a future, but these kids, they'll never move on... they'll have kids, and it'll be the same fate for them. and yeah, i could get really depressed about it and blame imperialism, or what not, but i chose to think that, when i've got my education, then i will do something to change the situation, these people, they know what it's like to be an ant... so i'm content to enjoy the things in life that make me happy, and i beleive that happiness is available to anyone, and where it isn't, we should contribute to give others, who are less fortunate, something to smile about and something to beleive in.

[Koa]

Well Chava, I'm just jealous. But I always get a bit annoyed when people younger than me find this kind of happiness. I am happy for you though!


that's why i once started a thread called 'envy'.

[Helga]

Everything will work out in the end, if it's not working out, it's not the end.

[Koa]

LOL

:banana: to occupy the remaining characters

[Helga]

Isn't it sad, to find out how insignificant your life can be? You have nothing better to do with your time here, that you start having a real connection or whatever you want to call it, with tv. It's your best friend. A tv show about a family in America is so important that you think that is a good enough excuse not to go out and live your life. You wait in anticipation for next weeks program. It takes over. tv controls your life. books do this too. You start reading and you sit alone for hours. Writers must be lonely. Readers must be lonely. We all must be very lonely at times. At times. I am very lonely.

alone.

I'm writing this at 3 in the morning, I have nothing better to do.

[Chava]

somehow, i don't beleive that wallowing in self pity will make anyones life the more constructive...

[Jay]

Isn't it sad, to find out how insignificant your life can be? You have nothing better to do with your time here, that you start having a real connection or whatever you want to call it, with tv. It's your best friend. A tv show about a family in America is so important that you think that is a good enough excuse not to go out and live your life. You wait in anticipation for next weeks program. It takes over. tv controls your life. books do this too. You start reading and you sit alone for hours. Writers must be lonely. Readers must be lonely. We all must be very lonely at times. At times. I am very lonely.
Yet it's you who chose to watch the TV instead of going out. Why? If you seem to hate watching the TV and not going out, why do you keep on watching the TV? If you don't do anything to change the way you live your life, no one else will do that for you. There might be hints, pointers, suggestions all around but in the end it's all up to you to decide which direction your life's going. Sitting in front of a TV/reading a book while wishing you were outside won't make you feel any better. If going out is what you want, turn the TV off, close the book, go out.

[Helga]

I allow myself to feel sorry for myself to much. I wait for other people to come and change things in my life. I don't have many friends, I have one friend. One person in the whole wide world to talk to, well except you guys. She has a boyfriend, so she dosen't have as much time on her hands as I do... I'm just feeling sorry for myself...

[Jay]

If I don't count cyber friends, I've got only one 'real life' friend as well. She's got a boyfriend. Seems to be moving in with him pretty soon. I last saw her... 3 weeks ago? So yep, I know what you mean :)
Feeling sorry for yourself is just going to make things worse for you in the long run... or even earlier. Been there, got the T-shirt, it's not a very pretty shirt, not worth it :)

[Koa]

First of all, loneliness is the normal human condition. When you don't feel lonely, it's because the continuity of loneliness has been broken for a while...you enjoy company, maybe establish a real connection by sharing, then go back in your cage of loneliness. If you think you're never lonely, then you're most probably some sort of fool.
('you' as in general).

Ah, the good old self-pity...wonderful dwelling, creator of poetry... If you prefer to watch TV, or sit at the pc instead of going out, then it's because deep down that's what you want...you think you want to go out, but infact you want it cos it's what you should want...but infact you don't, you're happy in your imaginary world. Whether to keep enjoying your comfortable imaginary maybe wrong world, or get out to what is considered the right world, is your choice...

When I was feeling like that all the time (less than 1 year ago), people used to tell me that I should do something to change etc... then the change sort of came by itself, though at the time I thought there was no end, it wasn't going to change...
There is nothing I hate to say like things like 'stop complaining and do something', or 'your time will come'... I just think there are ups and downs, and the funny thing is to see how and when they happen.

[Bongitybongbong]

Ah, the good old self-pity...wonderful dwelling, creator of poetry... If you prefer to watch TV, or sit at the pc instead of going out, then it's because deep down that's what you want...you think you want to go out, but infact you want it cos it's what you should want...but infact you don't, you're happy in your imaginary world. Whether to keep enjoying your comfortable imaginary maybe wrong world, or get out to what is considered the right world, is your choice...
I like to even out my "imaginary world" and "real world" so I can fun in both areas. Sometimes I'm on here than outside with friends, but other times I'm gone.