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Mutatis-Mutandis
11-17-2008, 07:46 PM
I walked to the white gates in a daze
With bated breath, through a cloudy haze.
A man stood before me, giant book in hand,
“Where am I?” I asked, “I do not understand.”

“You are at the gates of Heaven,” the man said.
“I’m sorry, lad, but I’m afraid you are dead.”

“Dead!” I exclaimed, “But how can this be?”

“Lightning struck, and you were smashed by a falling tree.”

I stood dumbstruck. “No, no, no, you’re wrong,” I said,
“I remember this morning, I woke up in bed.
“I then went outside, a strong wind was blowing,
“But I looked around, no danger was showing.
“Wait, I remember a loud boom and a crash.
“And you say it was me that tree did smash?”

“I’m afraid so, my boy. And now you are here,
“At the gates of Heaven, and your judgment is near.”

“Who are you,” I asked, “That presumes to judge me?”

“Why, I am Saint Peter, holder of the key.”

Just then the unlocked padlock on the gate caught my sight
And it came to me what that key was for, with a fright.
“And if I am deemed unworthy to pass through the gates?”

“Just take a look down,” said he, “and see what waits.”

And so I did, and discovered a most troubling scene,
Men writhed in agony, emitting piercing screams.
Smoke and flame was all there was to see,
And to take the place of men in torture was where I could be.
“I’m sorry, Saint Peter,” I said hastily,
“I’m still dazed and my mind still feels a bit lazy.”

“It is okay, lad, what concerns me is in this book.
“I found much of it quite startling, after a look.
“It seems to me you never swore Christ as you savior.
“What am I to think,” said Peter, “of this behavior?”

Like a fool I stood, not knowing what to say,
Looking down at the hell that beneath my feet lay.
“I never said I worshipped Christ, this is true,
“But I always believed in him. Surely you knew!”

The man said angrily, “Do not presume to lie to me, boy.
“For me, your mind is but a mere child’s toy.
“I know your deepest thoughts, trust me I can see.
“But now you can redeem yourself, if you tell the truth to me.

I took a hard swallow, and tried to clear my head.
“Okay. What do you want to know?” I said.

He looked at me, and asked, “Why didn’t you believe in God?”

“I saw his intervention nowhere in the world, not even a nod.”

“But you never believed anything, no faith was in you.
“It did not need to be Christ, any faith would do.”

“I’m sorry, Saint Peter, I just never believed.
“But now I do, by my own self my mind was deceived!
“I see now how much I was wrong all my years,
“But now I believe, and for my ignorance I shed tears.
“Please,” I sobbed, “Good Saint Peter, let me in!
From now on, I will never doubt God again.”

Saint Peter just frowned at me. “Sorry, lad, it is too late.”
And then he turned around, and locked the gate.

Mutatis-Mutandis
11-18-2008, 01:48 PM
Maybe people would find this a more interesting poem if they knew I am not a very reigious person, quite the oppositte actually. So, from me, this isn't just another preachy religious poem.

RG57
11-18-2008, 08:36 PM
I enjoed it very much, a good flow, and if you don't mind me saying very entertaining. I think even Saint Peter himself would a good poem.

Mutatis-Mutandis
11-19-2008, 05:15 PM
haha, onli if I'm lucky. Thanks for your feedback.

cogs
11-19-2008, 11:04 PM
i think it's great when we write out of our element. it forces us to 'play the devil's advocate' with another point of view.

Mutatis-Mutandis
01-13-2011, 10:14 AM
I am shamelessly bumping this, just to see if anyone else wants to share their thoughts on this poem. Criticism more than welcome.

PrinceMyshkin
01-13-2011, 02:34 PM
The rhymes you employed were of a very familiar sort and a distraction from the conversation that was taking place.

Mutatis-Mutandis
01-13-2011, 05:44 PM
I agree completely. I don't like a lot of the rhymes I forced into the poem and it is a very simplistic scheme. I like rhymes, though, haha. What do you mean, though, by, "of a very familiar sort"?

Maybe I'll tree a non-rhyming re-write.

blank|verse
01-13-2011, 06:49 PM
What do you mean, though, by, "of a very familiar sort"?
Not wishing to speak for Prince, but I take it he means they're very obvious - you can guess what word is going to appear before it does, which makes for a predictable poem.

You also have a cliche in the second line ('bated breath') which doesn't make for a good start.

The rhyming couplets you use also make it a bit too light-hearted, even this bit:

And so I did, and discovered a most troubling scene,
Men writhed in agony, emitting piercing screams.
But it would be good to re-write; it's an imaginative piece and shows signs of promise.

inbetween
01-23-2011, 01:42 PM
very amusing
sometimes I see texts here I don't even start to read because they are sooooo long but when a longer text got some amusing rhymes like yours one gets through very well. really an amusing piece of poetry, to me almost as amusing as those from roald Dahl

Mutatis-Mutandis
01-23-2011, 04:13 PM
Not wishing to speak for Prince, but I take it he means they're very obvious - you can guess what word is going to appear before it does, which makes for a predictable poem.

Okay, I understand. And completely agree.


it's an imaginative piece and shows signs of promise.

Thank you very much.

And thanks to you too for the comments, inbetween.

Buh4Bee
01-25-2011, 10:18 AM
I rather enjoyed the simplicity and predictability of the rhyme. I however teach 7 year olds how to read. haha!

As for the topic, I agree, that this is highly entertaining. God read with my coffee.

YesNo
01-25-2011, 10:57 AM
I enjoyed the rhyme and meter, but I would use the criticism that others provided to improve on the rhyme and meter rather than switch to free verse which I think might remove some of of the charm of this piece.

Regarding the content, I don't think it is ever "too late".