Umbilical
11-14-2008, 01:26 AM
Started writing these. They all string together. I feel I'll probably add more as I go along, but they've slowed down for now.
WARNING: Mature content, profanity, sexual themes... ETC.
-----------------------
(1)
I feel a bit disgusting with guilt
I tried to be her mother
tell her things
I assume
her father did to her mother
she didn't need to hear it
especially the pleasure of when
she was excavated.
(2)
When I gave her the sex
talk I sat down
cross legged and told her
how people open up
when they want to
and sometimes they want
to despite punishment.
(3)
I told her about whips and
chains
really she said
her childish grin of uncertainty
surprised
that adults mix pain
+ pleasure
in a way that we don't
I showed her a reality
in a way
that I don't bring it.
I'm sorry daddy.
(4)
I fu.cked up your child.
(5)
he'll never know that
I told his daughter
one innocent daughter to
another
that when penises
enter vaginas
sometimes they bleed
she
hadn't yet even bled for
me
for herself
wondering
why she wasn't as sexual
as the other girls
and now
not wanting to be
knowing what
it constitutes ---
her sister.
(6)
I don't know
if I'm going crazy
or
not.
(7)
When I cried to my mum about
what I said to my
sister
it was the greatest relief
ever and timely
and yet for her -
for my punishment and
repentance
it was the fear of -
does every sexual experience
end like this?
(8)
yesterday I made
myself cum
2wice
in a row
and it wasn't the best or
the worst
but the most needed
and the day died.
(9)
I need the day to die again.
(10)
I'm sorry.
(11) The amount of years we've spent
together, hopefully many more.
(12) I've changed now but I can't change.
(13) I'm old enough to fu.ck now.
(14)
________________________
(15)
on his death bed I'm going to tell him
I corrupted his daughter
he'll die
peacefully
knowing justice forms
however absurd it is.
(16)
however displaced it is.
(17)
I wish I could go back a year
and be fu.cked up again
without it manifesting in misplaced
intention
when I widened my yet formed
sexuality I gave myself
away I
opened her up to myself
and only
now am I learning the
anatomy of the vulva the
short circuit wire
to another
realm of deception
something that
conducts a
shock
when I made her realise
how wide the
world can be and
how
wild
it can be like your
loins the
woman beneath your feet is
when your hymen breaks
and you're bent
open to a new reality.
Your 11 years all preparing you to
not
face this moment alone
your parents were giving birth
I am already
born.
~
I can't wait 'til my dad
is on his death bed
so that I can sit down
and expose myself.
~
I can't wait 'til a part of me
dies: when
my dad
he is on his death bed.
I can't wait.
~
(17)
every day I could cry
for the millions of
children I haven't
abused.
~
Done:
I told you
told you
I never go inside
the website told me
how to
I tried and
dried up
I don't go in but
last night thinking of the
past I can clean up
I bent forward -
contracted, convulsed,
moved forward
and spewed forward
onto my clit
an introspective
movement
last night's waste
rid of it
went back into me.
----
You know that
man - faceless, you don't
know
why he suicided
it's because he told a
child about rape
before he was raped.
the shame of knowing too much.
-----
That last fu.cking
little
tid -
bit poem although
I wouldn't call his
life just that
reflected me,
saved,
me from myself I
suppose.
eventually.
----
The tendency to forget about
the child you feel you've
hurt:
to forget about the
hurt
to
not feel the hurt
to be hurt would
be to
hurt
and
hurt her again:
you reconcile
The pain and hurt
with her
face
to touch her would be to feel
it all over again and
to feel it would be to
not stop it
watch it
happen.
---
help:
I started to think today
again
of all of the people I could help
if I tried
and empowered myself
and for a second the
dream
forgot about the people
I haven't helped.
---
I can look at
my nude
body my
clitoris
my labia,
but I can't
look at
my
face.
-----
hold old were u
when ur
sister
thru
up in ur
bed.
---
have you made a
child want
to commit
suicide
even if only for
a second.
And that's the most painful thing
of all feeling
like your pain isn't enough to live
for.
-----------------------------------
hmmm...
:)
Take care,
Jodi
WARNING: Mature content, profanity, sexual themes... ETC.
-----------------------
(1)
I feel a bit disgusting with guilt
I tried to be her mother
tell her things
I assume
her father did to her mother
she didn't need to hear it
especially the pleasure of when
she was excavated.
(2)
When I gave her the sex
talk I sat down
cross legged and told her
how people open up
when they want to
and sometimes they want
to despite punishment.
(3)
I told her about whips and
chains
really she said
her childish grin of uncertainty
surprised
that adults mix pain
+ pleasure
in a way that we don't
I showed her a reality
in a way
that I don't bring it.
I'm sorry daddy.
(4)
I fu.cked up your child.
(5)
he'll never know that
I told his daughter
one innocent daughter to
another
that when penises
enter vaginas
sometimes they bleed
she
hadn't yet even bled for
me
for herself
wondering
why she wasn't as sexual
as the other girls
and now
not wanting to be
knowing what
it constitutes ---
her sister.
(6)
I don't know
if I'm going crazy
or
not.
(7)
When I cried to my mum about
what I said to my
sister
it was the greatest relief
ever and timely
and yet for her -
for my punishment and
repentance
it was the fear of -
does every sexual experience
end like this?
(8)
yesterday I made
myself cum
2wice
in a row
and it wasn't the best or
the worst
but the most needed
and the day died.
(9)
I need the day to die again.
(10)
I'm sorry.
(11) The amount of years we've spent
together, hopefully many more.
(12) I've changed now but I can't change.
(13) I'm old enough to fu.ck now.
(14)
________________________
(15)
on his death bed I'm going to tell him
I corrupted his daughter
he'll die
peacefully
knowing justice forms
however absurd it is.
(16)
however displaced it is.
(17)
I wish I could go back a year
and be fu.cked up again
without it manifesting in misplaced
intention
when I widened my yet formed
sexuality I gave myself
away I
opened her up to myself
and only
now am I learning the
anatomy of the vulva the
short circuit wire
to another
realm of deception
something that
conducts a
shock
when I made her realise
how wide the
world can be and
how
wild
it can be like your
loins the
woman beneath your feet is
when your hymen breaks
and you're bent
open to a new reality.
Your 11 years all preparing you to
not
face this moment alone
your parents were giving birth
I am already
born.
~
I can't wait 'til my dad
is on his death bed
so that I can sit down
and expose myself.
~
I can't wait 'til a part of me
dies: when
my dad
he is on his death bed.
I can't wait.
~
(17)
every day I could cry
for the millions of
children I haven't
abused.
~
Done:
I told you
told you
I never go inside
the website told me
how to
I tried and
dried up
I don't go in but
last night thinking of the
past I can clean up
I bent forward -
contracted, convulsed,
moved forward
and spewed forward
onto my clit
an introspective
movement
last night's waste
rid of it
went back into me.
----
You know that
man - faceless, you don't
know
why he suicided
it's because he told a
child about rape
before he was raped.
the shame of knowing too much.
-----
That last fu.cking
little
tid -
bit poem although
I wouldn't call his
life just that
reflected me,
saved,
me from myself I
suppose.
eventually.
----
The tendency to forget about
the child you feel you've
hurt:
to forget about the
hurt
to
not feel the hurt
to be hurt would
be to
hurt
and
hurt her again:
you reconcile
The pain and hurt
with her
face
to touch her would be to feel
it all over again and
to feel it would be to
not stop it
watch it
happen.
---
help:
I started to think today
again
of all of the people I could help
if I tried
and empowered myself
and for a second the
dream
forgot about the people
I haven't helped.
---
I can look at
my nude
body my
clitoris
my labia,
but I can't
look at
my
face.
-----
hold old were u
when ur
sister
thru
up in ur
bed.
---
have you made a
child want
to commit
suicide
even if only for
a second.
And that's the most painful thing
of all feeling
like your pain isn't enough to live
for.
-----------------------------------
hmmm...
:)
Take care,
Jodi