Synth-ethic (4532 words)

[TheFifthElement]

***Withdrawn***

[PrinceMyshkin]

Utterly compelling! It falls a little short of what I'd have liked because even if it is meant as a parable I'd have liked Charlie to be something more than an iconic figure. I'd have liked for him to have a wife or a named best friend, a named rival.
The incident at the beach is perhaps meant to provide him with some of that missing flsh and blood but even there he is so passive. I don;t think I can care about a character more than he or she cares for him- or herself.

One oversight or typo: in the paragraph beginning "Charlie couldn’t swim like his brothers could..." you later refer to "brother" singular but "them" afterwards.

And throughout, you pause a line of dialogue with a period rather thana comma before continuing with the characterization of that dialogue, e.g.:


“They took my shorts.” was all Charlie could say

and


“Morning Charlie.” she said

and there's a slightly ambiguous reference here


He waited a few moments watching the door, slightly ajar.

Although one understands that it is the door that is ajar, it might appear for a moment to refer to the manner in which Charlie is waiting!

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Prince, you are a most excellent editor (and a quick reader too!) :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks Prince, you are a most excellent editor (and a quick reader too!) :)

But I did not speak highly enough of the uncluttered firmness of your prose style, nor the sense throughout that you are faithfully following the trail of the story rather than creating it.

[Virgil]

Wow, I was captivated. I can't believe you got into Charlie's character in just over 4000 words. Remarkable skill Fifth. But I will say that the ending was anti-climatic. Hmm, I'm not sure I cared for it. I think the situation and both characters are crystal clear and well drawn out. I'm not sure what suggestion I could offer as an ending, but it needed something more than that. I do think if you can rethink the ending, this is very publishable. You definitely have narrative skill and an eye for detail.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Virgil :)

I really appreciate you reading this, I know it's a fairly long piece especially for an internet site. Thanks for the feedback. I rather like the ending, but I can understand what you're saying and I have thought about ending the story at "He knew what he was going to do" which I might do.

Thanks again :D