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Midnight_Star
10-24-2008, 12:11 AM
Chapter 1

The sky was bubbling when Georgie, also known as Cat Girl, was walking home from the grocery store, for her mom, with three bags in each hand. She made a right turn; when a young boy, with a beanie, running, was making the same turn but the other way crashed into her. The grocery fell to the floor as they both did.
"Sorry." The young boy said struggling to stand to his feet.
"It's ok." Georgie said." But now I have to clean up all the groceries, and the eggs broke."
The boy knelt on his knees. "I am really sorry." The boy said. "Here, I have some eggs with me," he reached back and grabbed a backpack that was acrossed his shoulders. "I mean I don't know if really want them but…." The boys whole facial expression dropped with disgust, when the boy pulled out his hand it was covered with yoke and egg white. "And these were my best pants too." The boy complained.
Georgie stood and wiped the dust off her pants then said. "Looks like we both have a problem," she paused. "You have wet yoky pants and I have too many grocery bags to carry home."
The boy quirked his eyebrows, and in a split second the boys face lit up and he said. "I now this might sound weird but if I help carry your bags home will you let me wash my pants at your house." Georgie couldn't help but giggle."Why don't you wash your own pants at your own house?" She said.
The boy looked at the floor and then said in a low voice."If I had a house, I gladly would."
Georgie stopped giggling. "I'm sorry."Georgie said with her stomach in a knot."I mean for what said."
The boy looked up at Georgie."It's ok, you didn't know." He said in an understanding voice.
Georgie's knot loosened up. "Well how about we both take three bags each."
The boy nodded and picked up three bags.
On the home they talked about their families, Georgie having seven sisters she said was annoying, especially being the youngest. And her father always is gone at work, only seeing him on the weekends. Her mother also to busy to spend time with her children when having to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for them, homeschooling her children; cleaning up after every body. The boys life was pretty boring, were he came from he had servants and he said that he hated it because he could never do anything by himself but he said some of his life was fun learning how to use magic correctly and how to ride a motorcycle and fencing all that was fun but other than that he had to go to meetings and all this other boring stuff.
"Where does your dad work?"He asked.
"He works as a guardian of the city to make sure no Dog People enter." Georgie said proudly of her father.
Before the boy said anything else, they took a few more steps when Georgie said."We're here."
The boy looked up at a small yellow house.
"Here I want to introduce you to my family." She said grabbing his hand and ran to the side of the house were a young woman was tending the garden.
"Mom, I'm home!" She shouted running to the woman with the boy following behind.
The woman, Obvious her mother, turned around and saw the young boy then said. "Well who's your new friend honey?"
"O, I want you to meet…." Georgie paused, "What is your name?"
The boys face was filed with dumb. "Um…. Well," there was a pause."Brandon, my name is Brandon."
Georgie's mom looked a little confused about the whole situation that just occurred but began talking without delay. "Well Brandon why don't you and Georgie put the groceries away while I finished up the garden and then we can all get acquainted inside." At that she began tending the garden again.
"Come on then." Georgie said grabbing Brandon by the arm again and running to the front door.
When they went inside the yellow house three young girls walked into the room.
"Looks like George got herself a boy-friend." One of the girls said as the others laughed.
Brandon blushed at what the girl had said. Then Georgie said, "Shut-up Bridget!"
"O what are going to do about it, cry to mommy?" The girl from the right said.
"Stop making fun of Georgie." Brandon said.
"Who do you think you are?" One girl asked snobbishly.
"I'm pri…." Brandon paused and salpped his hand over his mouth.
"Prince?" one of the girls said.
Then another answered. "Yeah, the only Prince is the Dog Prince."
"What are you talking about?" Brandon asked curiously, removing his hand from his mouth.
"Um, the Dog People killed all the other princes."
"What! They didn't tell me about that." Brandon mumbled under his breath.
"Who didn't tell, it's all over the news."
But Brandon did not answer.
"What's wrong with your friend Georgie?"
"I don't know; Brandon are you alright?"
"Sylvia, this Sylvia's doing." He said, in his own little world.
"Who's Sylvia?" One girl asked.
He still didn’t answer.
"Whatever, let's leave Georgie to her boy-friend."At that the girls walked out.
"Brandon, Brandon!"
"I didn’t do it!" He shouted snapping out of a trance.
Georgie rolled her eyes. "Follow me." She said.
They finished putting the groceries away when Georgie's mom came inside.
"Well Brandon why don't you take a seat in the living room while I go and make some lemonade." Her mom said.
Brandon walked into the living and sat down on the sofa.
A few minutes later Georgie and her mom walked into the room holding the lemonade and three glasses.
"Thank you." Said Brandon as Her mom handed him a glass.
"So Brandon Georgie tells me you're homeless. Do you have any parents?"
Brandon took a sip of the sour lemonade; his face puckered as he swallowed it."Well, um my parents are on a business thing and I was not capable of coming, and the place I had been staying doesn't allow children there by them selves." He answered.
"Why didn't you tell your parents?" asked Georgie's mother.
"Um, well…."
"Riiiiiing."
Luckily for Brandon the phone rang so he didn't have to answer the question.
"Go get it Georgie."
"Yes mom." Georgie said while getting up.
A few seconds later Georgie hung the phone up.
"Daddy's on his way home." She said with excitement.
"Well then I must leave you to your business." Said Brandon getting up from his seat.
"No stay for dinner."
"No, no it's none of my business."
"No, you must stay." Georgie's mom enforced.
So, Brandon stayed and helped with the preparations for the fathers coming home. (And of course Bandon got his pants washed.)




(This story is yet to be finished)

Raff_Davis
10-24-2008, 02:00 AM
I can't help but think that this has an anime feel to it.

This is a good start, but it needs a lot of work. Gramatically it is a mess (don't take offense!). Try to re-phrase some of your sentences so that they have a more natural flow to them. And take your time when writing. This passage makes the reader feel rushed.

Be careful about putting down a detail and then forgetting about it. He went to her house to wash his pants but when he got there he was sitting on their couch talking to them. It doesn't say anything about washing his pants. Also you write that she grabs his arm when they are holding bags of groceries. Possible? If you wrote that she needed hi helo to carry them, then she probably wouldn't be able to do that.

Pay less attention to unimportant details... like the names of the sisters. Unless later on in the story they specifically act as foil characters or something else important, just saying that there are seven of them is enough.

And tense - it switches tense frequently and is very shaky.

Aside from those things, this story shows potential. Strengthen this baby up! I am interested in what happens next. I hope my advice helps?

:)

-Raff

Shurtugal
10-25-2008, 01:10 PM
i'm agreeing with raff...