Shadow of hope

[MartinSilenus]

Please read this and comment. I don't claim to be good, and am an ammeurture, but please comment regardless.


Myself, alone,
Searching, looking
Is there anyone the same?

Yes, found, the same
Same is bad, unfit,
Try to change same
Change same, change self

But same is broken
Same is worse than before
Same is only unhappy

Try to comfort same
Like same
Love same
Give same self

Same takes self
Same is not fixed
Same is sad
Talks of leaving world

Same has self
Same leaves
Same

If you like this, it made sense to you or didn't, or you have tips please reply ^^

[Babyguile]

Hi. My opinion of it is that it is quite original. However the poem doesn't seem to have a direction or purpose. It felt quite repetitive and samey, as if you were changing the words around and finding new ways to just say the same thing.

But it is certainly interesting with respect to the mesage your trying to put across.

Anyway I hope this is useful to you ;)

[MartinSilenus]

Well it certainly is samey, I used the word enough times :)

Expanding a feeling is sort of hard, I haven't quite got there yet.

Thanks very much for your comment.

[hoope]

hey Martin.. its good ... but would be better if there is an end
a something that gives it a meaning
more clearance

wishing you all the best..& hope to read more from you :-)

[MartinSilenus]

Thanks hoope.

I had another go at a similar themed poem (if the first one made sense).

With luck this one has a more clear pattern to it.


I was alone
Only me and myself
My own world and life
Happy, sad?
Neither.
All is still.

Then came another
Another like me
This other, this me
Instant attraction to this
One like me

Be there for them
Be there for me
Give what I never had

But this one is
Not me.
Happy for me only
Is not happy for them

Like them, love them
Seems to no avail
They question the value
Of their life
They turn to me now
I who gave them
Everything.
Gave myself.
I who am them

Repeatedly I try
To help
Repeatedly I listen
To myself
Telling me the world
Doesn't want me

I have failed.

Dragged down by
My creation
Tied to their fate
Inevitable
Too committed to
Give up
To give up is to
give up on
Myself

And so my futility
Continues
And when my precious
Abandons life
I shall follow

[hoope]

wow.. this one is wonderful..
so true.. and i feel the pain in it

loved reading it..

[MartinSilenus]

I'm glad you like this one better ^^