In My Head

[MorpheusSandman]

It’s all great in my head until it’s said,
Or written down and read.
And then it’s bad, so pitiful and sad,
Enough to make me mad,
When brilliant thoughts of mine, expressed in lines,
Did turn to dirt from wine.

But nothing can I do, you’ll find that true,
When words turn all to poo.
These simple silly rhymes do tell my times,
With bovine limes and thyme.
I overdid it there, so just beware,
That onward do I dare.

Since this I do admit, maybe I’ll get
Some credit (just a bit).
But I think likely not, and this my lot
For all times what I’ve got.
Oh well, what can I say? Just hope I may
Get laid (for that, I’ll pray!)

It could indeed be worse, I see that hearse,
And surely I’m not cursed.
Still all this can I tell, if not so well,
And truly that is swell.
Till death I’ll celebrate and will not hate
All that I can’t relate.

[JBI]

Try rebuffering some of the lines to make the flow better, for instance.

And then it’s bad, so pitiful and sad,
Enough to make me mad

Doesn't work, because the metre isn't strong enough to carry over the 2 foot reduction. Its staggering, it feels like 2 2 3, and really cuts hard with the caesura after bad. You need a stronger metre for such a jump to work. You don't have nearly as many stresses in the first line as you should, and it carries through.

[MorpheusSandman]

Those were the two main lines I didn't like either. But hey, the suckage kinda works for a poem like this, no? :) If you can elaborate on your criticism it might help even more, and do remember I'm a poetry n00b (I'm sure that shows).

[mmaria]

Nice poem.