Refrain

[Pendragon]

I’ve been thinking…

I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle down
Upon the black birds feeding in the fields
Off the detritus of human existence…

I’ve been wondering what is just down the road
Behind the fog of fear that blinds us everyone
Frozen by the dreams we cannot share…

I’ve been trying out new harmonies
Seek to find what is behind every uncertain sound
The music of things still left unseen…

I’ve been searching hard for myself
Am I here or have I wondered down a shadowy path
That really leads nowhere at all…



Pendragon
© 10/17/2008

[Virgil]

Excellent Pen! I really like it. All four of the stanzas are engaging and draw me in. I particualrly liked this one:

I’ve been wondering what is just down the road
Behind the fog of fear that blinds us everyone
Frozen by the dreams we cannot share…
Not sure you need the repetition of the last line that refrain. But I guess that's a personal preference. Nice poem Pen.

By the way Pen, I'm working on one for the subject poetry contest. I was scratching stuff out at work and forgot it there. Now I can't work on it this weekend, but I'll try to finish and post it some time next week.

[JBI]

You may want to remove the I've been from the beginning of every stanza, I think the poem would work better like that.

...waiting for the dust to settle down
Upon the black birds feeding in the fields
Off the detritus of human existence…

...wondering what is just down the road
Behind the fog of fear that blinds us everyone
Frozen by the dreams we cannot share…

...trying out new harmonies
Seek to find what is behind every uncertain sound
The music of things still left unseen…

...searching hard for myself
Am I here or have I wondered down a shadowy path
That really leads nowhere at all…


Then you can kind of blend it with the title, instead of repeating a line that kind of gets boring after the second one. There is no need for repetition of such a phrase, as it doesn't seem to bend much in context.

[firefangled]

I’ve been thinking…

I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle down
Upon the black birds feeding in the fields
Off the detritus of human existence…

I’ve been wondering what is just down the road
Behind the fog of fear that blinds us everyone
Frozen by the dreams we cannot share…

I’ve been trying out new harmonies
Seek to find what is behind every uncertain sound
The music of things still left unseen…

I’ve been searching hard for myself
Am I here or have I wondered down a shadowy path
That really leads nowhere at all…

I’ve been thinking…

Pendragon
© 10/17/2008

I think you've found a new harmony, Pen. I liked this very much.

Personally, I did not need the last "I've been thinking." It took me by surprise because I was so pleased with your poem thinking it ended with "That really leads nowhere at all..."

I think you handled the repetition well with the variation.

Great poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I’ve been thinking…

I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle down
Upon the black birds feeding in the fields
Off the detritus of human existence…

I’ve been wondering what is just down the road
Behind the fog of fear that blinds us everyone
Frozen by the dreams we cannot share…

I’ve been trying out new harmonies
Seek to find what is behind every uncertain sound
The music of things still left unseen…

I’ve been searching hard for myself
Am I here or have I wondered down a shadowy path
That really leads nowhere at all…



Pendragon
© 10/17/2008

How wonderful when one has refined one's thoughts and words to the honest essentials, as you do here - and I'm pleased to see that you removed the last "I've been thinking..." per firefangled's suggestion.

[Pendragon]

Thanks everyone!

[ampoule]

Yes, the refrain of our lives...waiting, wondering, trying, searching. I like this a lot, Pen.

[firewrathed]

"I’ve been searching hard for myself
Am I here or have I wondered down a shadowy path
That really leads nowhere at all…"


You've just read my mind Pendragon. Wonderful poem.