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AtomicCafe1
10-17-2008, 04:49 PM
A short, kind of ditsy story. Feedback would be spectacular



My World

Johnny Winnwalker, for the first time in some twenty odd years, walked out of the Trinity Hospital’s front doors. It was eleven o’clock sharp. He had awoken from his coma just ten minutes ago and, though a little confused and a little stiff, he had detached the tubes that were connected to his body and walked out of the room, down the stairs, through the lobby, and out the doors. Nobody stopped him. In a normal state he would have found this very odd, but, being bedridden for the past couple decades, he didn’t give it one thought.

And the thing was, Johnny hadn’t the slightest clue that he had been in bed for that long. To him, he had just laid himself down to sleep the night before. The fact of waking up in a strange building with even stranger tubes poking into his body did not concern him. He simply shrugged it off. This carefree attitude, of course, was due to the coma effects still lingering in his system.

So there Johnny was, walking down the stairwell —having taken a twenty year leap without even knowing it— looking at the world as if not a thing had changed since he was last conscious. He failed to distinguish the bountiful devices surrounding him, or the cars, or the expressions on the people's faces. To him, they were all the same. But they really weren’t. It was a brand new world Johnny was entering.

And as he joined into the moving crowd on the sidewalk he decided he would stroll down the street to the nearest bus station. He would stay home today. “I’ll just have to call in sick,” he thought. “But first I better get a paper.”

He passed by several newspaper boxes, but he resisted getting one early on. The stands looked so peculiar; he had never even seen them before. And perhaps weirdest of all, the papers seemed to be free. But after walking past several burly men helping themselves to copies, he decided to receive the charity as well. He walked up to a vacant box, stretching his hand to pick one out. Only he was stopped.

“Nope. Mine!” an oaf of a man said as he heaved himself up from his chair a few feet away.

“Excuse me?” Johnny wondered.

“Mine!”

And with that, Johnny was brushed back into the amorphous horde of people.

“That’s odd,” he thought to himself as he looked back at the giant brute taking his seat. But Johnny, once again, carelessly tossed the fact away and continued onward.

And so, after a couple minutes of going along with the crowd and being totally oblivious to the radical differences around him, Johnny spotted a dollar bill fragilely floating a couple steps ahead of him. Out of boyhood glee, Johnny lurched forward, snatching the prize with pleasure. But the pleasure was short lived. A heavy-set man with arms as big as small tree trunks addressed him, pointing at the bill:

“Mine!”

“Um, sorry sir,” Johnny stuttered uncomfortably. “I just grabbed this dollar here off the ground. It sure didn’t seem like it was yours when you passed by it a second ago.”

“Nope. Mine!”

Johnny, feeling a losing battle nearby, surrendered and gave the man the dollar. “How odd,” he pondered as he walked away. “I have never seen anybody do that before.” And once again he was swept up into the stampede of people.

After he had walked a bit more, Johnny realized how tired he was. His bones and muscles seemed to be incredibly creaky. So he slowed himself down and plopped onto a bench that overlooked a great fountain. He rested his eyes for a few minutes and stretched his aching legs. No sooner had he opened them did he hear a high, snobbish voice:

“Mine!”

Johnny looked down at the source of the noise only to find two grimy, arrogant kids pointing at the bench he was sitting on.

“Mine!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Johnny proposed.

“Nope. Mine!”

Feeling it wasn’t worth the pain, Johnny submitted to the demands and trudged over to the edge of the fountain. Here he sat, consoling himself in thinking, “Oh, I didn’t even want to sit there. That bench was uncomfortable.” But his thinking was futile; it was certainly not what he felt. He had some strange feelings brewing in his stomach.

After these thoughts had passed, Johnny noticed a growing fondness for his new seat. The slapping of the water in the fountain behind him soothed his ailing body and mind, and after a bit he nonchalantly closed his eyes and let the warm sun sink beneath his skin. He took it all in for a long while and then, after losing track of time, he slowly propped himself up. As he opened his eyes, a sparkly object glinting over in the grass caught his attention. He had to know what it was.

Johnny heaved himself up from his relaxed position and quickly made his way over to the shiny object. But, when he was mere yards away, a pesky child dashed in front of him and grabbed the glistening item. Johnny gave up on his desire, but then a snarling emotion overtook him.

“Nope! Mine!” he asserted with his palm out to kid. “Mine!”

The kid, surprised at seeing a full-grown man competing for the object, flicked it out of his hands and sprinted out of site.

Johnny, picking up the twinkling thing, felt satisfied.

“Mine!”

mosimo
10-18-2008, 06:53 PM
Yes I would have to agree this is a ditsy story. I hate to be critical but It is lacking something. The repeated use of Mine seems too childish and repetitive. Additionally the actions don't really connect with the fact that he just got out of a twenty year comma. Additionally on the technical side it would be impossible for him to walk out of the hospital after just waking up ten minutes ago, because he would not have been able to walk not having walked for over twenty years he would not have had the strength to. Otherwise your narrative style was great.

AtomicCafe1
10-18-2008, 09:28 PM
yay! A response! Thanks a bunch mosimo! And have no worries of being critical... however you feel about it you feel, right?

But anyways... your points are perfectly understandable. This is definitely a light story that isn't made to be seen as something that would happen in real life. Childish? Without a doubt.

So all it really is is a simple story of a guy waking up to a future world. This world he finds himself in is a selfish, possessive world, where nothing more that the words "nope" and "mine" are uttered (at least by what the story shows). Once again, extremely simplified. And by the end, the character himself becomes part of the greedy culture.

So the reason I did the coma thing was to set up him arriving in this future world.

And thats it.

I hope maybe this gave you a new perspective on it... but if not, it's great! Trial and error, no?

Thanks a bunch!

Raff_Davis
10-19-2008, 02:57 AM
Thematically you are on the right track with this. As far as the coma goes, don't worry about it being unrealistic. Edgar Allen Poe is known for being unrealistic, but he is known more for his thematic(and dramatic!) content. So basically, if the incident is minor and to contibute to the theme, it's okay. One of those flexible literary rules. I thought it was a stretch, but at the same time, I get what you are trying to say.

The only criticism I can think of goes toward your sentence fluidity. While your sentences explain the situation comprehensively, I can't help but notice they are almost elementary in structure. They are... wobbly? There is probably a better word for that, but anyway, just try to strengthen your sentences.

Particularly - "He had some strange feelings brewing in his stomach."

This sentence could be stonger, and phrased differently.

Great story though, and great message. Keep it up!

-Raff

mosimo
10-19-2008, 03:04 PM
Yes that did help a lot with my perspective of the story.

This is definitely a light story that isn't made to be seen as something that would happen in real life.
I would think then that this is your greatest problem the theme would be strengthened greatly if you made the story to appear as realistic. As it is being light and simplistic it is harder to see the theme which is a very good theme.

One part of emphasizing the theme in the story would be to make the main character actually ponder more about the change in the people and to actually have him detest the obvious greed before he himself succumbs to the same desires. You could also make the greed more obvious to emphasize the theme again. Because of the size of a short story it is hard sometimes to actually develop a theme which can easily be grasped.
Hopefully my comments are able to actually serve as a help. Keep trying I would love to see more of your work. My first stories were really mixed up at best and it has taken years for me to get one which I am even willing for other people to read.