the country where no children dwell

[sundays50]

body spills
the earth

[Lioness_Heart]

Wow - that's really good. It made me feel all cold, and the simplicity of the structure worked brilliantly as it allows the stark imagery that you use to really come across.

The only criticism that I could make would be about the rhythm - it's mostly very even and rolling, which works well, but every now and then a line will jar slightly, which disrupts the flow. For example, the second line in the second stanza. This might have been your intention, in which case I'm sorry :blush: but perhaps it would work a bit better if you smoothed that out?

But I thought that it was very good indeed, you create the scene incredibly vividly.

[sundays50]

thanks for the crit

[mazHur]

The sun sank low on the burnt dust trail
In the country where no children dwell
Two men lay dead by a whiskey pail
The dirt ran red where the whiskey fell.


Footsteps two led from the murder site
To a town that was struck by fires
That burnt the gamblers, crooks, and liars
And enveloped them within the night.

Indian markings along the staff
Cleanly nicked by a careful wood pick
Was scattered into slivers and sticks
By a man who knew not how to laugh.

It was carried by a hallowed stream
In the bosom of its murky deep
Where the murderers may safely sleep
Without fear of wake from soulless dream

They are carried to a desert shore
Wind whipped into a furious nothing
From these specks and bits and flakes of ash
Life did for one angry moment flash

lovely poem. I have taken the liberty to transpose two words in your second stanza to fix the rhythm. I hope you won't mind this little goodwill gesture:) thanks