Broken

[Louisos]

Broken

Eyes dilated,
Seduced
By flashing lights.

I had a dream
last night,
while the cold
whirred past my window
of shattered

confidence;

here I stand,
sit,
lie,
writhe. -
Give me
sunlight;
good medicine
for the ebbing pleasures of
this adolescent suburb.

You are sunlight,
sweet medicine
for chemicals divine,
euphoria sublime.

Cheers,
Louis

[Dark Muse]

This was interesting, I really liked it

[eyemaker]

That was so nice! an interesting structure and tone..Nice job Louis!:D I liked it:;

[Louisos]

Thanks guys, I'm surprised you liked it to be honest, I wrote it very quickly on Sunday because I needed to capture the thoughts and feelings of Saturday night, it would suggest that my best poems are written when stoned :P
Any critique?

[Silven]

The medicated state of mind seems to work for your poetry Louis, please don't get high just to write poetry tho' LOL!.

Just one critique, the "middle" verse, seems disjointed from the feel of the rest of the poem, and although my personal insight may lead me to believe you were comming down hard the next morning, others will be confused and I'm not personally convinced this is what you were trying to communicate.

Your thoughts?

[Louisos]

Lol thats not the only reason ;)
Well Silven, that insight shows me you to understand what I am talking about ;) I don't want to explain to you exactly what the "middle verse" means but I hope this might help.
This seems a bit self glorifying, this isn't the intent
- In this poem (and most of my poems) I name at least one tangible object per stanza, this poem goes :
Eyes/Flashing lights
Window
Medicine
Medicine/Chemicals

The purpose of this is to provide a tangible subject that the reader can relate with, and then try to link it with an intangible idea that I wish the reader to feel. Each object ahs 2 meanings if you like - a tangible one that moves the poem along in some way, and an intangible one that maks the poem (hopefully) worth reading. So to answer your original question, yes the "middle verse" is about a come down, but it also has an intangible idealogical meaning within the poem, which I am not going to give away so easily :P

By the way this is a new version with some additions, tell me what you think :)

Broken

Eyes dilated,
Seduced
By flashing lights.

I had a dream
last night,
while the cold
whirred past my window
of shattered

confidence;

technicolour vivid
and paved with carats
of dirty gold

so

here I stand,
sit,
lie,
writhe. -
Give me
sunlight;
good medicine
for the ebbing pleasures of
this adolescent suburb.

Throwing wide these curtains
I reveal my hiding place-
urging to kick start the pulse of this day,
I park myself in your body,
and I intend to stay;
to be consumed by the fires
of bodily desire, that extinguish
this inferno of tranquilisers.

You are sunlight,
you are the sunlight;
good medicine,
sweet medicine
for chemicals divine,
euphoria sublime.

Cheers,
Louis

[Silven]

Thats great, I love the additions!

"extinguish this inferno of tranquilisers"!! I love this as the hook at the end of this verse!

But I must still protest my critique, as I believe that although mystery makes a good poem great, it must be used in context, and the verse in questions still seems somewhat disjointed from the rest of the poem.

I'm not asking that you reveal your secret, I just think that it (your secret) may better live in a poem aimed at stirring this mystery specifically.