Reaaaaaalllly old, please critique

[paperleaves]

show me your hipbones, sugar!
siphon your psyche, place your ornamental origami oils to adorn your artificial armies of...appendages,
baby, accentuate the apparatus- age
youth, display your platinum posture like a pond of placid
paraffin! plead on brittle bones like the bend of your betrayed
benevolence
show me your sine curve, rented and collecting dust from the peripheral view of
the eyes of the sky!
show me your hip bones, sugar!
give me a reason to move like the blind
stumbling of the nightm bursting bubble of blunt, broken
crime
show me your sweet tooth, sugar! spin a swirl of cotton candy around your lips and kiss the
switch that turns on the sun
assign me a silver star with your swollen signature, ship my sides to the entree
that we call life!
feast and binge on the delicacies of the world, but first, baby
show me your hipbones!
and yeah, the seas are brewing nutmeg nooses
but i'm used to having spices around my neck, so
let's drink it from a goblet, with lemon and honey
and dress in flaky croissants so that
our skin will blend in with our environment
and that only in the darkness can we find
the spikes of our sides in the path of
god's train

[Virgil]

I do like this one Paper. Very good. I really liked this passage:

baby, accentuate the apparatus- age
youth, display your platinum posture like a pond of placid
paraffin! plead on brittle bones like the bend of your betrayed
benevolence
show me your sine curve,
A mouthful but the extreme alliteration adds to the texture of this. And I love "show me your sine curve!" :D I'm not sure I care for the way that sentence concludes: "rented and collecting dust from the peripheral view of /the eyes of the sky!" I personally don't care for phrases like "eyes of the sky". Here's another cool passage:

assign me a silver star with your swollen signature, ship my sides to the entree
that we call life!
feast and binge on the delicacies of the world, but first, baby
show me your hipbones!
:D

Not sure I understand "the spikes of our sides." But I dig the poem. :)

[Pendragon]

Don't have much to add to Virgil's wonderful critique except be careful with spelling and line breaks. Some of your lines break wrong. Like:



baby, accentuate the apparatus- age
youth, display your platinum posture like a pond of placid
paraffin! plead on brittle bones like the bend of your betrayed
benevolence
show me your sine curve, rented and collecting dust from the peripheral view of
the eyes of the sky!

Try it like this:

"Baby, accentuate the apparatus--age youth;
display your platinum posture like a pond of placid paraffin!
Plead on brittle bones like the bend of your betrayed benevolence!
Show me your sine curve, rented and collecting dust
from the peripheral view of the eyes of the heavens!"

See if that kind of flows better...

Pen

[PrinceMyshkin]

I doubt that I'd ever feel confident enough to suggest a tweak here or there and I don't think that structural perfection or correctness of the essence of this or any of your poems, They're more like piñyatas that have been stuffed by your multiple selves and, once struck (fprcefully!) spill out their contents in whichever order.

But I love the repetition of

show me your hipbones, sugar!

And the variants of it, and


give me a reason to move like the blind

is glorious!

But maybe it should end with one last repetition of


show me your hipbones, sugar!

There is something so raunchy and saucy about that!

[paperleaves]

Thank you, Virgil, and Pen,
I appreciate the feedback and I do agree I need to refine my structure.
Dear Jer, thank you for that,
I believe it would be better with one last repetition :D

[kiz_paws]

This poem is the kind that I love to hear read at a coffeehouse I like to go to. It is an awesome, meaty poem, and more appreciated read aloud, methinks. Great job! :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

This poem is the kind that I love to hear read at a coffeehouse I like to go to. It is an awesome, meaty poem, and more appreciated read aloud, methinks. Great job! :)

I heartily agree! Some poems, one recognizes, might never have come to be before the invention of written language; and some, like most and maybe all of paperleaves' cry out to be spoken, and one can imagine the voice being accompanied by flailing hands and a gyrating body!

[kiz_paws]

Absolutement! Too bad us LitNetters couldn't all pack ourselves into a smokey little coffee house and let 'er rip! :lol:

[PrinceMyshkin]

Absolutement! Too bad us LitNetters couldn't all pack ourselves into a smokey little coffee house and let 'er rip! :lol:

Agreed! I briefly tried to fantasize some way we could bring the living pl on to the site and have her read to us but you know (and I hope she will feel prompted to correct me if I'm wrong about this) whether on here in person or down at the Dump at the End of Some Dark Alley Cafe I betcha she'd be too bloody shy to do it!