3 Haikus and Something Else

[Cellar Door]

To A:

Your fading laughter
is the sun setting on a
January day

A Frost Haiku:

Winter's wind against
your lips- like dandelions
sighing in the frost

For Mandee:

The neglected cig-
arette blowing in the wind-
What good is love now?


(something else)

An Ode to Broken Things

The rusty swing on the front porch and
Those things you promised me
And maybe it would be
Okay

Fine things and rust dance
in my head
Dusty porcelain in the cabinet and
Mama said not to touch
but I wanted to get the dust
Off

I broke the porcelain
the dusty, Dusty porcelain-
I always break everything I
Touch

[blp]

I like the haikus a lot, especially the one where you break a word between lines. Not feeling the Ode to Broken Things is quite there.

[Cellar Door]

Blp- what suggestions would you have for Ode? Please respond with no fear of hurting my feelings- I do not take offense easily.

I am also looking for other suggestions from anyone, especially regarding Ode.. I am not happy with it, and am seeking criticism, razor-sharp though it may be.

Thanks to all!

(please ignore my signature in this case; i want the bitter truths ;) )

[blp]

I'm not sure. I don't get the point of the first strophe, don't see what it's doing except setting up the word 'rust', which then works well in the middle strophe. This is the best bit, with its internal rhymes of dust and rust and assonance with touch and the staccato way it ends up at 'Off'. The internal rhyming is there in S1 too I now notice with 'swing' and 'things', not quite as strong, but it's there and I kind of think you need it in S3 to be consistent, because now it looks like you're just trailing off or the good bits happened by accident.

I don't like 'dance/in my head'. I somehow just don't buy this old idea of things dancing in people's heads. It sounds clichéed and sentimental. I also don't like 'Mama said not to touch', which is pretty much a flat out cliché. I also don't like the 'dusty, Dusty porcelain', which sounds whimsical in a way that's out of keeping with the rest and I don't see why the capital D all of a sudden. Perhaps at this point you could say something else about the dust, which, after all, you wanted to get 'Off'. Not only did you break the porcelain, you didn't get the dust off.

[Cellar Door]

Truly, thanks blp! I love that kind of feedback. I guess it's my writer's bias, but it all sounds so good in my head, but when I hear what someone else thinks, I am able to step out of myself and hear it the way others do. I will work on this some more, I like the idea of it. Perhaps, in time, I may post a revised version of it.

[LostPrincess13]

oh hello!:) i liked the imagery in the first two haikus...:) i wasn't too comfortable with the third though... but i liked the last line of it...:) your ode reminded me of country songs...:) i liked the feel of it, really...:D it tells a story, not too vivid, which is fine because i think the mystery of it is what makes it more interesting...:) i'm not so sure about the 'fine things and rust dance in my head' part though.... it sounds a little off... but the i loved the 'I break everything I touched' line...:) it seems to mean so much more if you read between the lines...:D

[Cellar Door]

Thank you for your feedback, Lost Princess! Much appreciated. If you don't mind, what was it about the third haiku that made you uncomfortable?

[Monikeroftheyea]

Ode is a little too fragmented but I really enjoyed the little stories you put out through the haikus.