Blessed

[ShadowFire]

Hey, I didn't write this. My good friend did, but he wants major feedback. And I thought to myself...LitNet is the place. So any and all comments please!

Blessed are they who understand
My faltering step and palsied hand
Blessed are they that know my words today
Most strain to catch the things I say

Blessed are they who seem to know
They know the way they need to go
Blessed are they who looked away
When my blood was spilt there on that day

Blessed are they with a decitful smile
Who stop to chat for a little while
Blessed are they who never say
I know Jesus I know the way

Those who find the way
To bring back memories from yesterday
Are they responsible to make it known
That I am loved and not alone
They turn the hand and ease the days
On the journey home in loving ways

[thegitksan]

Please tell your friend, an excellent start. The first three verses set up a great rhythm, a really good pattern. The fourth verse kinda loses it, in terms of literary expectations - once he's set up the first three as the basic pattern, the fourth should follow suit.

The basic meter is quatrameter, four beats. Nice that some lines start with the more complex "Blessed are they", which scans to "DAH duh duh DAH", instead of a more common, "DAH duh DAH duh", or maybe "duh DAH duh DAH". The repetition helps bring the sense of a chant forward.

As I said earlier, the fourth verse loses it. If it is a chant that is meant to evoke a religious feeling, building in strength from verse to verse, then the fourth should be the culmination of the previous three. It should all but beg to be shouted out, or at least chanted with firmer resolve than the previous three.

Nevertheless, a very good start. Few people attempt to write a chant these days. I look forward to hearing how your friend works out his preaching texts.

[Virgil]

First tell your friend to join lit net and post it himself. ;) It's not bad. It needs a little more originality. These things have been said already. But the poet handled it well. If your friend is interested in religious poetry, have him pick up something by Denise Levertov. Here's one:


To Live in the Mercy of God
by Denise Levertov


To lie back under the tallest
oldest trees. How far the stems
rise, rise
before ribs of shelter
open!


To live in the mercy of God. The complete
sentence too adequate, has no give.
Awe, not comfort. Stone, elbows of
stony wood beneath lenient
moss bed.


And awe suddenly
passing beyond itself. Becomes
a form of comfort.
Becomes the steady
air you glide on, arms
stretched like the wings of flying foxes.
To hear the multiple silence
of trees, the rainy
forest depths of their listening.


To float, upheld,
as salt water
would hold you,
once you dared.
[Snip]


You can read the rest here: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=178452

[princesspoppi]

I liked it

[ShadowFire]

Thank you all for your comments...and I look forward to reading anymore that may be posted

[Pendragon]

Having another wonderful poet can't harm litnet. I agree that the fourth verse is off... :thumbs_up