Sonnet on sleeping late

[blp]

Inspired by Il Penseroso and thegitksan's recent contributions, I thought I'd try a sonnet.

****

The vinegar of daybreak has a salty sting
that sours the milky rheum behind my eyes to curd
Sealing me in sleepy darkness from the wings
of the ascending solar firebird.
Against this nuclear assault immured
I fall away into a depthless sink
of interlocking enigmatic image words
limned in spectroscopic spectral ink.
These senseless phantoms of my forty winks
Awake my senses in my senselessness
And by their nonsense let me sleeping think
And so make sensible the time when I’ll be restless.
In this way, from the daylight gated,
I am like Noah and Orpheus illuminated.

[thegitksan]

Well done! I got the sense that you are trying hard to sleep in. I missed the allusions in the final couplet, however. Also, the first several lines are (mostly) iambic HEXameter, not pentameter.

I just couldn't wrap my head around how Noah and Orpheus are closely related enough in theme that in illuminating them, the final, pithy summarisation becomes evident. Also, this in common with many of my own sonnet works - there's no real volta, where the direction of the verses suddenly changes, along with the energy change inherent in such a shift.

However, a noble effort, and one I quite enjoyed.

[blp]

Can you explain more about this volta thing?

[thegitksan]

sure. it's actually pretty easy. in regular English or shakespearean sonnets, usually the first two quatrains set up a situation. sometimes this is done by using questions in the first two. suddenly, at line 9 in the 3rd quatrain, the emphasis shifts, and the poet begins to answer his or her own situation (or questions). that shift is called the volta. the break is perceptible in terms of type of verse lines - they often become more declamatory, or oratorical, and certainly gain some energy in doing so.

the "9th line, 3rd quatrain" rule is not fixed, however. more modern sonnets often use all 3 quatrains to set up the situation the poet is exploring, and use the final rhyming couplet, at line 13, as the volta instead. it allows for a somewhat more complex situation set-up.

i'm actually quite guilty of not observing the volta myself, and therefore many of my sonnets simply run on from start to stop without ever using that break in tempo/thought/energy/consciousness to my advantage.

does that help? I've got some web sites bookmarked that explain it all more formally, our you could google the term.

[blp]

Thanks. That's very clear.

I think I had a semi-conscious sense that some sort of shift would be a good thing after the second quatrain because I did intend one, with the first two talking about shutting out light and the third being this play on sense and the sensible. Oh...except I didn't do that, really. :blush: Oh well. Yes, that would have been good. Anyway, I've learned something. Thanks again.

[thegitksan]

Thanks. That's very clear.

I think I had a semi-conscious sense that some sort of shift would be a good thing after the second quatrain because I did intend one, with the first two talking about shutting out light and the third being this play on sense and the sensible. Oh...except I didn't do that, really. :blush: Oh well. Yes, that would have been good. Anyway, I've learned something. Thanks again.

You are most welcome. And I invite you to try re-write it, adding in just that one new rule, the volta. Don't worry about the hexameter versus the pentameter thing yet. Split the quatrains into actual stand-alones, and then find a way to make that shift, either at line 9 or at line 13.

:D

[blp]

Ha! Just that one new rule - as if it's some tiny little tweak. OK, I'll give it some thought. ;)

[thegitksan]

<mischievous grin> it's just one tiny little tweak... how could it hurt?

[Pendragon]

I thought it great, myself! :thumbs_up Encore! Encore!

[blp]

Thanks, Pen. Glad you liked it.

[Il Penseroso]

I like it. Particularly the first quatrain; after that the rhythm seems a bit lost to me.

I couldn't quite make sense of the Noah and Orpheus references myself. Care to enlighten us?

[blp]

I couldn't quite make sense of the Noah and Orpheus references myself. Care to enlighten us?

I'm not sure Orpheus quite fits or, really, whether any of this bit works, but basically, taking a cue from Arthur Koestler's The Act of Creation, which has a longish passage on this, Noah has to go into the [darkness of] belly of the whale to become a true servant of God and Orpheus has to go into the underworld to become a true poet (in some views of the thing). A sort of pupal state. But it's also kind of a joke, because, obviously, these are stories of extreme suffering in the service of some kind of mystical awakening, whereas I'm just trying to justify staying in bed a bit longer.

[Il Penseroso]

Wasn't it Jonas and the whale? Noah had the ark right?

I'm much more familiar with the Orpheus reference :)

[blp]

Doh doh doh. *embarrassed laughter*

[quasimodo1]

blp: I loved your sonnet. Long live limited iambic pentameter. Really, its excellent. q1

[blp]

Thank you very much, quasi.

[TheFifthElement]

Wasn't it Jonas and the whale? Noah had the ark right?


I think that was Jonah!

Nice sonnet blp, a bit wordy as sonnets are want to be, but good.

[blp]

I think that was Jonah!

Nice sonnet blp, a bit wordy as sonnets are want to be, but good.

:lol: I can't believe my blindspot on this. Jonah! Take away one letter and rearrange the others just a bit and you have my first name. It's almost as if I'm denying something about myself.

Alright, clearly that's just a lame excuse. Anyway, thanks for the further clarification.

To be fair to Il Penseroso, I just googled Jonas and the Whale. Weirdly, the only thing that came up was a band called, um, Noah and the Whale.

Yes, it's all about the words, 5th. I have to say, the thing that bugs me about writing these things is the meter. There seems to be no way to not sound archaic.

[symphony]

the thing that bugs me about writing these things is the meter. There seems to be no way to not sound archaic.
Probably why i havent tried a sonnet in my life except one (http://my.opera.com/symphonied/blog/2008/06/25/baaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccckkkk) last june. And probably why i like your one so much. :thumbs_up

[blp]

You mean mine doesn't sound archaic? Cool. Thanks, symphony.