665
09-27-2008, 01:34 PM
Hey everyone, I'm currently trying to write a novel and here's the first chapter. I would like some criticism and I'll crit back too. English is not my first language but I try :D I want to know if it's worth continuing. It is not yet properly edited, nor reviewed, but please leave comments :) thanks
The Dissentient
Chapter 1 – The Enigmatic Child
“Ah Mr. Elamin,” exclaimed Dr. Redcliff in a delighted manner. “Please come in and make yourself... um, comfortable.” The addressee sat down and watched the doctor lumber about nervously while gibbering to himself. The Dr. couldn’t help it when he lost professionalism; he was amazed with the signals his eyes were sending to his brain. The excitement was easily noticeable on his round, plump face. But then again, who wouldn’t be excited to get this opportunity, a once in a lifetime chance. For the doctor, it was an honor to meet Illiah, let alone conduct a series of tests with him, or perhaps on him.
Illiah was 11 years old at that time, himself feeling a lot more nervous than the doctor. In the cold office sat an inert child, the only signs of life visible in his brown eyes that were glaring towards the marble floor nervously and at the same time, gloomily. They seemed to burn with a distinct color, more towards black than brown and anyone who looked into those eyes usually got lost in awe.
His auburn hair seemed to fit his t-shirt well and the jeans accompanied his dressing which Illiah’s parents had chosen for him. But so much for fashion, his only chances of leaving home were on special occasions such as this, for other than that he was forced to remain indoors at all times. And these occasions weren’t anything “special” to him. Illiah wondered why his parents even brought him here. Not because ventures outside family premises were rare but because of past experiences with so called medical experts. His arguments were no match against the decisive and stubborn offset of his legal guardians.
But it didn’t matter anymore, he was in yet another office or laboratory with yet another scientist, he was here and there was nothing he could do but flow along with what he considered to be antics – useless conducts. Although something else did bother him, by now he understood that he was different and these thoughts sometimes made him nervous.
Some called Illiah a gift from the sky, others named him the devils son. Controversy spread from country to country and from one church to another. The headlines read quite depicting titles:
Baby Elamin deformed or gifted?
A sign of the apocalypse?
Modern day phenomenon?
The questions just didn’t seem to end. The experiments didn’t seem to seize. One scientist after the other wasting valuable funding on something they couldn’t solve. Not one scientist, in Illiah’s 11 year old lifetime could solve his mystery. They couldn’t figure out where it derived from or how it came to be, albeit the external “organs” being purely natural and well correlated with the rest of Illiah’s body.
This scientific anticipation – or something that 50% of the world viewed as a theological breakthrough - was concerned with the external organs Illiah was born with. It was due to this so called organ that Illiah’s mother had died at the birth of her son. The horrors of the death and of the baby’s “deformation” echoed throughout the antique hospital. Nurses and doctors had gathered into a crowd to witness the cries. But soon everyone forgot about the poor mother for what they had witnessed was the turning point of the century. Trans-humanism was given a new meaning.
This mystery and all the controversy it brought with it was the effect of a pair of dull - yet conspicuous - white-grayish wings outstretching from the back of Illiah’s shoulders.
A crashing sound had made Illiah jump. The doctor had clumsily knocked over a jar and spilt its contents on the floor out of nervousness. “Oh… uh… Don’t worry about it, um… yes.” said Dr. Redcliff in a quivering voice as he staggered forward towards the child, who was now staring at him straight in the eyes. Just like most people who had ever looked into those eyes, the doctor had forgotten about his current undertaking and stood motionless as his mind drifted away from reality.
“Excuse me sir, can we start the tests now?” interrupted the boy in a restrained voice after the Dr. had been gazing into the intellectual depth depicted by Illiah’s eyes for a few minutes.
“Oh… Um… Of course. Yes. Right away.” Replied the Dr. as he regained consciousness.
“Thank you sir.”
Illiah, who was now accustomed to white lab coats and the proclaimed experts dressed in them, knew from experience that it would be better to ask than wait for Dr. Redcliff to return to reality. For he knew that it would be a while before Dr. Redcliff would do so.
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“Dad, what’s a church?” asked Illiah in a timid voice as he got into the car, still feeling the sting from the injections taken at the Doctors office.
“It’s a place of worship Illi.” replied Mr. Elamin, who was now wondering about the child’s curiosity.
“What kind of worship?”
“Well we praise God, the ultimate creator. We praise the God who made you and me and people and this world.”
“But, didn’t you make me?”
“Well yes but…”
“But God made the first man?”
“That’s right.” marveled Mr. Elamin at his son’s wittiness. “By the way, no more experiments Illi, there’s no point in them. Mr. Redcliff said the results would be in a week but I doubt he will ever get back to us. And since you’re so curious about churches, we’ll be going to one tomorrow.”
Illiah finally relaxed, feeling absolution for the first time. No more doctors and no more experiments. But he did grow a little nervous of the idea of going to a church and somewhat restless too.
Mr. Elamin had bought a massive Opel before the birth of his son in hopes that it would come in handy for road trips. Unfortunately it turned out that a low budget car would have been sufficient since Illiah was practically in full time isolation. Even now he wore a cape like clothing over his suppressed wings, ironically decorated with little angel characters.
“Dad, what’s porn?” asked Illiah with even more curiosity than before.
“What? Oh… You’ll find out when you grow up. Now unbuckle your seat belt.”
The car arrived in a nice little driveway and parked into the garage of the dreaded house Illiah had grown tired of. Even though the boy’s view of this house was not a pleasant one as a whole image, he still admired the architecture of this medium sized dwelling. Most of all he found the small patch of grass to contain the most aesthetic value. It seemed like he could sit on the cold patch for hours and watch the grass shuffle with the wind. It was a shame he never got to go outside.
“Illi come here, what did the doctor say?” shouted Mrs. Elamin from across the living room but Illiah ran upstairs to his private little hideout, ignoring his stepmother. His room was full of ink drawings of abstract things. The drawings were made in such a way that they were open to a wide range of interpretations; however Illiah had a special meaning for each one of his works of art. Besides the artwork there were a lot of books of different genres. He delighted in reading and found it a much better place to be in than the reality of the lonesome world.
“Illiah get down here!” Shouted Mrs. Elamin again but still there was no reply from the little room. Illiah could now hear the footsteps of his stepmother coming up but he didn’t pay any attention to it. “Illiah!” yelled his stepmothers in a testy voice as she barged into the room blasting the door open, “How many times do I have to call you?!”
Illiah simply stared at the ground, hoping his stepmother would get the message and leave him alone. He didn’t wish to be disturbed now. His only wish was to be left alone in the world of vast literature and drift away from this world into another.
“Whatever!” Clipped Mrs. Elamin as she exited, this time slamming the door shut. Finally, thought Illiah to himself. He could now have his dreaded peace and quite to get on with whatever he wished. He opened a book he had been reading for a while. His eyes followed the words, feeling the content from a distance and turning the pages, one by one, just like the days of his life. The wings occasionally made small movements, depending on the emotions experienced by Illiah.
The dusk had settled across the miniature window. Another page was being turned. Illiah lay upon the bed, face down, the wings relaxed and suppressed onto the back and in hope of a new day, lay the alleged celestial child to sleep.
The Dissentient
Chapter 1 – The Enigmatic Child
“Ah Mr. Elamin,” exclaimed Dr. Redcliff in a delighted manner. “Please come in and make yourself... um, comfortable.” The addressee sat down and watched the doctor lumber about nervously while gibbering to himself. The Dr. couldn’t help it when he lost professionalism; he was amazed with the signals his eyes were sending to his brain. The excitement was easily noticeable on his round, plump face. But then again, who wouldn’t be excited to get this opportunity, a once in a lifetime chance. For the doctor, it was an honor to meet Illiah, let alone conduct a series of tests with him, or perhaps on him.
Illiah was 11 years old at that time, himself feeling a lot more nervous than the doctor. In the cold office sat an inert child, the only signs of life visible in his brown eyes that were glaring towards the marble floor nervously and at the same time, gloomily. They seemed to burn with a distinct color, more towards black than brown and anyone who looked into those eyes usually got lost in awe.
His auburn hair seemed to fit his t-shirt well and the jeans accompanied his dressing which Illiah’s parents had chosen for him. But so much for fashion, his only chances of leaving home were on special occasions such as this, for other than that he was forced to remain indoors at all times. And these occasions weren’t anything “special” to him. Illiah wondered why his parents even brought him here. Not because ventures outside family premises were rare but because of past experiences with so called medical experts. His arguments were no match against the decisive and stubborn offset of his legal guardians.
But it didn’t matter anymore, he was in yet another office or laboratory with yet another scientist, he was here and there was nothing he could do but flow along with what he considered to be antics – useless conducts. Although something else did bother him, by now he understood that he was different and these thoughts sometimes made him nervous.
Some called Illiah a gift from the sky, others named him the devils son. Controversy spread from country to country and from one church to another. The headlines read quite depicting titles:
Baby Elamin deformed or gifted?
A sign of the apocalypse?
Modern day phenomenon?
The questions just didn’t seem to end. The experiments didn’t seem to seize. One scientist after the other wasting valuable funding on something they couldn’t solve. Not one scientist, in Illiah’s 11 year old lifetime could solve his mystery. They couldn’t figure out where it derived from or how it came to be, albeit the external “organs” being purely natural and well correlated with the rest of Illiah’s body.
This scientific anticipation – or something that 50% of the world viewed as a theological breakthrough - was concerned with the external organs Illiah was born with. It was due to this so called organ that Illiah’s mother had died at the birth of her son. The horrors of the death and of the baby’s “deformation” echoed throughout the antique hospital. Nurses and doctors had gathered into a crowd to witness the cries. But soon everyone forgot about the poor mother for what they had witnessed was the turning point of the century. Trans-humanism was given a new meaning.
This mystery and all the controversy it brought with it was the effect of a pair of dull - yet conspicuous - white-grayish wings outstretching from the back of Illiah’s shoulders.
A crashing sound had made Illiah jump. The doctor had clumsily knocked over a jar and spilt its contents on the floor out of nervousness. “Oh… uh… Don’t worry about it, um… yes.” said Dr. Redcliff in a quivering voice as he staggered forward towards the child, who was now staring at him straight in the eyes. Just like most people who had ever looked into those eyes, the doctor had forgotten about his current undertaking and stood motionless as his mind drifted away from reality.
“Excuse me sir, can we start the tests now?” interrupted the boy in a restrained voice after the Dr. had been gazing into the intellectual depth depicted by Illiah’s eyes for a few minutes.
“Oh… Um… Of course. Yes. Right away.” Replied the Dr. as he regained consciousness.
“Thank you sir.”
Illiah, who was now accustomed to white lab coats and the proclaimed experts dressed in them, knew from experience that it would be better to ask than wait for Dr. Redcliff to return to reality. For he knew that it would be a while before Dr. Redcliff would do so.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Dad, what’s a church?” asked Illiah in a timid voice as he got into the car, still feeling the sting from the injections taken at the Doctors office.
“It’s a place of worship Illi.” replied Mr. Elamin, who was now wondering about the child’s curiosity.
“What kind of worship?”
“Well we praise God, the ultimate creator. We praise the God who made you and me and people and this world.”
“But, didn’t you make me?”
“Well yes but…”
“But God made the first man?”
“That’s right.” marveled Mr. Elamin at his son’s wittiness. “By the way, no more experiments Illi, there’s no point in them. Mr. Redcliff said the results would be in a week but I doubt he will ever get back to us. And since you’re so curious about churches, we’ll be going to one tomorrow.”
Illiah finally relaxed, feeling absolution for the first time. No more doctors and no more experiments. But he did grow a little nervous of the idea of going to a church and somewhat restless too.
Mr. Elamin had bought a massive Opel before the birth of his son in hopes that it would come in handy for road trips. Unfortunately it turned out that a low budget car would have been sufficient since Illiah was practically in full time isolation. Even now he wore a cape like clothing over his suppressed wings, ironically decorated with little angel characters.
“Dad, what’s porn?” asked Illiah with even more curiosity than before.
“What? Oh… You’ll find out when you grow up. Now unbuckle your seat belt.”
The car arrived in a nice little driveway and parked into the garage of the dreaded house Illiah had grown tired of. Even though the boy’s view of this house was not a pleasant one as a whole image, he still admired the architecture of this medium sized dwelling. Most of all he found the small patch of grass to contain the most aesthetic value. It seemed like he could sit on the cold patch for hours and watch the grass shuffle with the wind. It was a shame he never got to go outside.
“Illi come here, what did the doctor say?” shouted Mrs. Elamin from across the living room but Illiah ran upstairs to his private little hideout, ignoring his stepmother. His room was full of ink drawings of abstract things. The drawings were made in such a way that they were open to a wide range of interpretations; however Illiah had a special meaning for each one of his works of art. Besides the artwork there were a lot of books of different genres. He delighted in reading and found it a much better place to be in than the reality of the lonesome world.
“Illiah get down here!” Shouted Mrs. Elamin again but still there was no reply from the little room. Illiah could now hear the footsteps of his stepmother coming up but he didn’t pay any attention to it. “Illiah!” yelled his stepmothers in a testy voice as she barged into the room blasting the door open, “How many times do I have to call you?!”
Illiah simply stared at the ground, hoping his stepmother would get the message and leave him alone. He didn’t wish to be disturbed now. His only wish was to be left alone in the world of vast literature and drift away from this world into another.
“Whatever!” Clipped Mrs. Elamin as she exited, this time slamming the door shut. Finally, thought Illiah to himself. He could now have his dreaded peace and quite to get on with whatever he wished. He opened a book he had been reading for a while. His eyes followed the words, feeling the content from a distance and turning the pages, one by one, just like the days of his life. The wings occasionally made small movements, depending on the emotions experienced by Illiah.
The dusk had settled across the miniature window. Another page was being turned. Illiah lay upon the bed, face down, the wings relaxed and suppressed onto the back and in hope of a new day, lay the alleged celestial child to sleep.