holy night sin

[Pretty^Athens]

It was the first time in weeks that we talked. It was the rain that made me call him…
That naughty pure rain that has the legitimacy to mess up with our feelings and emotions, and make us commit our most stupid mistakes and faults without even noticing…..

I never loved Z… but something about that childish rain made me make the worst decision ever!!
It was Lailat Al – Qader, the holiest night in Ramadan. And it rained for the first time in months… there’s also something very sacred in the first rain… that made me want to pray for it, but it’s never been a respectful prayer if you do it by lying in your bed alone with the lights off… all by yourself.

I was afraid to make my vows to the rain alone… so I made that cursed call… I pretended to be interested in checking up on him… and I actually believed this lie…

We talked for an hour and a half. And ended up in my apartment making love like wild animals!
It was the first time that I felt like a sinner after sex…
And I never fasted at Ramadan again!!

[Pretty^Athens]

hey
guys i know this thread needs a lot of fixing. so i need your help :D
thanks
xxx

[Cellar Door]

it was all good until the last three lines. They are too abrupt; perhaps some revision and story extension? However, you have a good start... I look forward to reading more of this :)

[Pretty^Athens]

hey,
thankyou :)
but i'd actually wanna know what is wrong with the last 3 lines

[Cellar Door]

I think they are too abrupt; it reads like "... and then I did this, the end". I think if you expanded a story out of it, added more introspection (like you did with the line about being afraid of making vows to the rain alone- I think those lines are beautiful), and feeling before the last three lines (which, taken by themselves are not bad) it would sound better. But hey, that's just what I think. I really do like this, it just feels like a good start rather than the whole work, you know?

[Pretty^Athens]

yeah i know what you're saying
that's what i felt about it too, and that's why i asked for ideas of fixing !

[PhilLFM]

Really nice piece! I get several things from this piece one is a sense of guilt but at the same time a sense of freedom and the sex in the piece was freedom if that makes sense?

[Pretty^Athens]

no, having sex with that exact person means guilt here. the fact that i never fasted again doesn't mean freedon in this case, it only indicates feelings of guilt!

[Virgil]

As a story Pretty A. it's too short. You have to bring us through a process. Establish the social pressure, show us the relationship, then the building temptation, then the moment of decision, and then the aftermath of the decision. Without all that it's not a story. This needs to be at least ten to fifteen pages. You have ten to fifteen lines. You might consider it a poem, but it's not much poetry either. I hope this helps.