a sonnet! - The Reaper

[Il Penseroso]

my contribution to the last picture poetry contest, and my first and only sonnet:

Unfathomed shape treading a misty trail,
bloodhound that makes no sound following souls,
with icicled hood, at each step, full sail,
the reaper stiffens victims, filling holes.
His scythe, winter’s slicing metallic vein,
rattles as it falls still limbs white with snow,
scattering the cold interwoven skein
off boughs rankled as their raw fibers show.
Dark advocate for what is seldom known,
that life's form is like a spiral seashell,
a tunnel in which crystal clouds are blown
as faint memories of a rhythmic knell
to land, dissolve in dust, and sprout anew
warmth in colors from a petal outgrew.

[Virgil]

I like Il Pen. :) It makes a great holloween poem. Some good lines: "the reaper stiffens victims, filling holes" and "to land, dissolve in dust, and sprout anew". But I think the last six lines are the strongest part of the poem:


Dark advocate for what is seldom known,
that life's form is like a spiral seashell,
a tunnel in which crystal clouds are blown
as faint memories of a rhythmic knell
to land, dissolve in dust, and sprout anew
warmth in colors from a petal outgrew.
It just flows much better than the first two quatrains. I can't help but feel the first two quatrains are just packed too tightly with images and adjectives for it to flow well. But perhaps that's just me reading late at night. ;)

[Il Penseroso]

Thanks Virg.

I'm rather fond of the middle quatrain myself, but I agree about the first.

I'm most worried whether or not the syntax on the last line works, or whether the rhyme comes across as forced? or archaic?

any thoughts?

[Virgil]

Thanks Virg.

I'm rather fond of the middle quatrain myself, but I agree about the first.

I'm most worried whether or not the syntax on the last line works, or whether the rhyme comes across as forced? or archaic?

any thoughts?

The rhyme is fine. But yes the syntax of the last line does come across forced. You'll have to work on that. ;)

[Il Penseroso]

Will do, of course. :)

[blp]

It does seem archaic to me, IP. Unusually so for you. Not one of my favourites of yours.

[Il Penseroso]

Ah, yes, at last some honesty!

Thanks, blp. I'm trying out a few other sonnets, hopefully not so.

[blp]

Honesty, at last? You saying Virgil wasn't honest?

[thegitksan]

Very good effort, especially for a first run at it. You've got the rhyme scheme down, but the rhythm is a bit forced. Here's an example of what I mean:

the WORDS should FLOW so FLAWlessLY that I
misTAKE them FOR a SENtence SPOken LOUD.

Ideally, the perfect lines should all be iambic, but many people (including me), find that loosening things up with some variety makes the lines more interesting.

A classical Shakespearean sonnet has 3 quatrains and a finishing couplet. The usual pattern is for the first two quatrains to set up some kind of tension, which breaks at line 9 of the 3rd quatrain. The final couplet is often some kind of pithy remark that sums everything up. Modern sonnets, even those that more or less follow the Shakespearean sonnet, as yours does, often put the break, or volta, at line 13, using all 3 quatrains to build the tension.

You've got some great imagery happening here. I look forward to seeing another sonnet from you.

[Il Penseroso]

Honesty, at last? You saying Virgil wasn't honest?

That didn't quite come out right. I just meant that, because of the community aspect of the forums, it sometimes seems people can be overly nice. I didn't mean to sound like I meant Virgil in particular (he's been quite "honest" in the past :))


Thanks git.

I didn't put much effort on the iambics, just mainly wanted it to sound fair to me. In the future I will definitely pay closer attention to meter.