Life in the dark lane

[TheFifthElement]

*withdrawn*

[PrinceMyshkin]

This would be a remarkable poem no matter when I encountered it or by whom, but it is even more so in the context of the earlier poems you posted here, which were wonderful but in contrast with this one appear now to have been safe, well-contained, whereas in this one you seem constantly to be challenging yourself to go further, to take chances.. and the rewards, I believe are there, from the opening


Crush the egg,
send it spinning to its death.
Yolk splits open:
yellow jelly soaks into the carpet
and the white flowers of her dress.
Absolve the mess: press your hand
against the swelling of the flesh.

to some quite astonishing images, e.g.



(Paper crumpled on the street
finger grime pressed into its grain;
a boot-print, a stain -
life lies bleeding in the dark lane)

and



(The child jumps and jumps
but cannot see over the tall fence.)
A man leans against the wall
crack-backed, and breathing like an old accordion.
Eyes soiled open: tainted sleep.
Pray the Lord my soul to keep.


(Tomorrow’s news:
“The void is as vast as you imagine,
and as dark.”)

This reminds me somewhat of your (most) recent poem about seeking but not finding the dark.

Bravo!

[blazeofglory]

Marvellous!

[poetman]

i concur.

[qimissung]

You really did it with this one, FifthElement. I think what I like about my favorite poems are images that surprise me, and which are so completely real or beautiful or surreal-and your images are all of these things and more.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks everyone.

[Pendragon]

Bravo! Encore! I love it!

The balance of the italics and regular text is sweet! :thumbs_up

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Pen :)

[_Shannon_]

I think this is one of the best poems I've read on here!!

My two complaints:

(100 Megabits per second guaranteed).

which seems vey unoriginal- in a very original poem. That sort of 'sales pitch' tone shows up over and over--and I think here it really distracting, without adding anything to the tone or content.
It also lends itself to my second complant which is:

Eyes soiled open: tainted sleep.
Pray the Lord my soul to keep.

As the 100 megabits line above yields to a rhyming couplet--here, too the rhyming couplet seems like not knowing quite what to do next- and is distracting and "cutesy"--when the rest of the poem is so strong nad the images just before this couplet are so, so powerful and srong.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Shannon.

I wasn't sure about those lines either, a large part of the poem is a compliant about how standardised life has become, how we fall back on slogans and soundbites, and those lines were a reflection of that. But I agree, they lack originality and perhaps I've been a bit lazy, they could be better or I could approach it differently. Thanks for reading, and the thoughtful comments.

[_Shannon_]

I was soooo hoping that my nitpicking wouldn't detract from the impression of just how good I think your poem is...

I am always a little at a loss about what to write here--Some people I think post poems just to get them out (isn't that what all writing comes down to, we get to a point where we just can't keep it inside)...some because they want praise...some because they want constructive criticism.

[Virgil]

I concur with everyone, wonderful!! Actually since I've been reading Theodre Roethke for the poetry book discussion, there seems to be echoes of Roethke in here. This first stanza is outstanding:

Crush the egg,
send it spinning to its death.
Yolk splits open:
yellow jelly soaks into the carpet
and the white flowers of her dress.
Absolve the mess: press your hand
against the swelling of the flesh.
I was particularly struck by the use of "absolve" here. It really expands the meanings.

And what would a Fifth poem be without a pernicious nature hovering around:

Here is the long, wet summer.
Days of slow rain, elusive rainbows.
Clouds so immense that they chew
up the sky; no one asks why,
events control us. Heads down, watch
the ground swallow us up: worms underfoot.
You really do fear nature, don't you? ;)


I think this is one of the best poems I've read on here!!

My two complaints:


which seems vey unoriginal- in a very original poem. That sort of 'sales pitch' tone shows up over and over--and I think here it really distracting, without adding anything to the tone or content.
It also lends itself to my second complant which is:


As the 100 megabits line above yields to a rhyming couplet--here, too the rhyming couplet seems like not knowing quite what to do next- and is distracting and "cutesy"--when the rest of the poem is so strong nad the images just before this couplet are so, so powerful and srong.
I agree about the "(100 Megabits per second guaranteed)" though I don't think it comes across as cliche since she frames as a pseudo quote. The striking cliche that I would edit out is "corporate greed." I don't mean from any ideological reason, but it is a standard cliche.

I disagree with you (Shannon) on:

Eyes soiled open: tainted sleep.
Pray the Lord my soul to keep.
While it's not exactly orignal, it songiness and allusions establish a context for the poem's themes.

[_Shannon_]

I disagree with you (Shannon) on:

While it's not exactly orignal, it songiness and allusions establish a context for the poem's themes.
I just think that a rhyming couplet there at the end of an unrhyming poem is misplaced. When I see that I think to myslef that the poet panicked getting to the end without knowing how to end--and so flips into "How to end a poem" mode...

It wasn't really the content which I had complaint with, as the rhyming couplet in that position.

LOL! I dunno--take everything I write with massive grains of salt...I have an awful, awful cold- and really might not be making sense at all.

[TheFifthElement]

I was soooo hoping that my nitpicking wouldn't detract from the impression of just how good I think your poem is...
Oh it didn't Shannon. It was a good point that you raised, and perceptive, reflecting my own thoughts about certain aspects of the poem where I didn't quite strike the note I was aiming for. And it would be churlish of me not to acknowledge that. Also, as you've said here:

I just think that a rhyming couplet there at the end of an unrhyming poem is misplaced. When I see that I think to myslef that the poet panicked getting to the end without knowing how to end--and so flips into "How to end a poem" mode...
again, very perceptive! Whilst 'panicked' isn't quite the word that I'd use (or 'the end' - I'm very non-linear when I write!) 'rushed', perhaps?

So, just to reiterate, I completely appreciate your comments, and welcome both the positive and the nit-picky! Which brings me onto Virgil ( ;) just kidding!)


I concur with everyone, wonderful!!
Thanks :D



And what would a Fifth poem be without a pernicious nature hovering around:

You really do fear nature, don't you? ;)
:lol: I love nature, it's a very useful poetic tool ;) Ask Louise Glück.



I agree about the "(100 Megabits per second guaranteed)" though I don't think it comes across as cliche since she frames as a pseudo quote. The striking cliche that I would edit out is "corporate greed." I don't mean from any ideological reason, but it is a standard cliche.

Yes, I think I need to reconsider that section. Thanks for your comments Virge, I appreciate them :)