help me with my poems

[southerner]

first,,, I am to happy to inform you that this is my first thread in this special forum and I hope not to be the last,,, I am arabian and my English is not so good by thank God I have the talent of writing poems in my mother tongue in addition some tryings in English,,, I hope that some specialized person can help me by advising me and giving me the right structures of the English poetry,,, thank you very much and I am attaching one of my English poems...

THE FEARFUL TOMORROW



No body knows my hurt's pain

And my life that filled with sorrow

My thoughts drive me to be insane

Because I am scare of tomorrow

We do not know what the future hides

And what the days are going to fetch

But my only hope is in God who guides


I hope that you can help me fastly... waiting..

[southerner]

[QUOTE=southerner;615745]first,,, I am to happy to inform you that this is my first thread in this special forum and I hope not to be the last,,, I am arabian and my English is not so good by thank God I have the talent of writing poems in my mother tongue in addition some tryings in English,,, I hope that some specialized person can help me by advising me and giving me the right structures of the English poetry,,, thank you very much and I am attaching one of my English poems...


THE FEARFUL TOMORROW



No body knows my hurt's pain

And my life that filled with sorrow

My thoughts drive me to be insane

Because I am scare of tomorrow

We do not know what the future hides

And what the days are going to fetch

But my only hope is in God who guides

To the safe coming he will make me reach.



I hope that you can help me fastly... waiting..

[JBI]

The most obvious problem is that you rhyme with an inconsistent metre, and varying line lengths. A 7 Syl. line should not rhyme with an 8 syl. line.

[LitNetIsGreat]

Also spelling and grammar should read:

No body = Nobody
hurt's = hurts
scare = scared

Good effort though.

[southerner]

Thank you Neely and JBI so much for your useful and priceless answers I will try not to lenghten my verse and to make the lines equaled in lenght and I will try to avoide the grammatical mistakes,,, Thnak you so much,,, and I am so glad to attatch another poem may you can find my common mistakes through it,,,


Oh my friend

Oh my friend do not be afraid
You have to say your word
Remember that call spade a spade
And pull out your rusty sword
Protect your ideas and beliefs
Do not scare of anything that hollow
Your silence will make you one of the thieves
And the steps of the dumb evil you will follow
No one is able to hurt you or to kill
Except God who harms and saves
He has the orders and the will
And he saves his only slaves
Death is not just to die
And life is not just to live
But you die when you say "bye"
From the people's minds and leave.

and I'm nice to inform you that I have a lot of Shakespearian sonnets and other kinds of English poetry,,,

Thank you so much again!