Disorientated

[opheliac]

Hello everyone, I'm really hoping to get some feedback about this particular poem, especially as this is my first draft that I am presenting here. If you think any words seem superfluous or have any helpful suggestions for improvements of my poem, be sure to post a reply!




DISORIENTATED

If your heart is a treasure map,
then I have been greatly sent off course
lost in my confused navigation,
and blown into a relentless storm.
I try to decipher your myriad of clues,
hour after hour, screaming in pain
as the tears drop like melted wine
overflowing from the cup of love.
There is a fragmentation of meaning,
a reflecting of an unstable self
that I see in your compass eye
so deep and sharp like an old star.
Will I ever reach the uncharted lands?
I long for the light to scatter,
to touch, transfigure, and terrorize
brother death and sister sleep
who mock the essence of my dream.

At dawn, I saw birds drop from the sky;
they came as thick as falling bricks
out of the crumbling clouds of grey,
which spread till there was no trace of day.
While even in an unfathomable darkness
I know this world is surely round,
and that the curvature of your flowerly limbs
will eventually lead me back home.
My guide, my most challenged hope,
tonight time's sea is wolf-hungry, swallowing
the sweetest notes of my melody,
echoing on and on, as I toss to and fro
in the middle of your breaking lifeboat.
How long till the last wave comes?
I fear I do not know, now all is in vain
and I am drowning, drowning in you.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Whew! This is VERY strong. At times, perhaps, a bit TOO strong. When everything is huffing and puffing, nothing quite stands out. This, however

as the tears drop like melted wine
overflowing from the cup of love.

I thought verged on being comical. Can wine be said or even imagined to "melt"? And "the cup of love" smacke of a cliche, but



At dawn, I saw birds drop from the sky;
they came as thick as falling bricks
out of the crumbling clouds of grey,

I thought was wonderfully strong and so is this:


I know this world is surely round,
and that the curvature of your flowerly limbs
will eventually lead me back home.

[opheliac]

Thank you so much for reading the poem and giving me a constructive critique. I really appreciate it! I have since gone back and made a few alterations, and now would really like some feedback about my new draft.