Lost On Memory Lane

[ConcreteAngel]

DELETED!! IF YOU WANT TO CHECK OUT MY WORK JUST GO TO www.booksie.com/concreteangel

[J_M_D_Telvatia]

I haven't read through most of the story, but the beginning has a good rhythm. You need to work on spelling and grammar.

[repgreece]

Hi, I thought I would read this and leave a comment as you dont seem to be getting comments which is a shame and I have got absolutely no comments on my story yet either! After reading this my first thought was, 'Wow, you have to continue this!' I want to find out why he died! And why Kendra felt guilty. Some great description of the pain she was going through and the way the necklace not being there and the song triggered off even more emotional pain. He sounds like a great guy! Can't you bring him back to life again! Lol! Another thing I like is that the happy memories are really sweet but when contrasted with the fact that he died and Trinity now has to face that, it makes the story all the more heartbreaking. Effective contrast there. You do have a few small grammatical errors in here but it didn't stop me from enjoying the story so far. Would you do me a great favour and take a look at my story 'Welcome To Crete?' I think you were right when you said that if people reply it motivates you more to continue writing.

[Zippy]

I really enjoyed reading this.

I thought your powers of description were particularly well-developed and your characters seemed to work well. There's one or two typos, but easily corrected.

Hope to read more of you work soon! :thumbs_up

[ConcreteAngel]

i appreciate your critique on my story but i prefer that you read through more of it before you say stuff like that about it! I'm not being sore about the lack of niceness on your part..i just think if you read more you would like it! I believe i have good spelling i just messed up on a few words which i went back and corrected now! But thanks for your comment on it all the same :)

[ConcreteAngel]

Thank you so much repgreece..i appreciate your comment! You will find out soon enough how he died and why Kendra blames herself. Haha i wish i could bring him back to life..but then it would be like all the other stories..ugh it might turn into a vampire story if i do that..not that i don't love vampire stories there are just way to many now a days lol yeah i caught my horrible errors haha i think i have them fixed now i'm not positive though i will have to recheck! and course i will check out your story for you soon :)

[ConcreteAngel]

oh yeah j m d telvatia thanks for the good rhythm comment..i hope i didnt sound hateful in my reply

[ConcreteAngel]

thanks zippy for your comment..i'm glad you liked reading it :) and i'll have more added soon since i have now wrote more

[repgreece]

Some more! Well done. You describe her reactions to grief really well I think, the way she tries to comfort herself with her pillows and teddy bear etc around her(although we know that these would really do little to help) Also the way that everything around her brings back memories and reminders of Jordin's death. It is great that she has the support from her friend, like the very touching moment at the end of the last section when her friend comforts her and tries to be strong for her even though she is also upset and feeling guilty. Looking forward to the next section. I wonder what will happen to bring her out of her immediate grief and give her the strength to move forward?

[ConcreteAngel]

:) your comments make me feel really good about my story..not many ppl have been giving me feedback on it on any sites i have it on! i really appreciate you! i've been through much heartache so it makes it a little easier to describe what she is going through! and i have some plans for her coming out of her grief..just havent got it all worked out yet!


Some more! Well done. You describe her reactions to grief really well I think, the way she tries to comfort herself with her pillows and teddy bear etc around her(although we know that these would really do little to help) Also the way that everything around her brings back memories and reminders of Jordin's death. It is great that she has the support from her friend, like the very touching moment at the end of the last section when her friend comforts her and tries to be strong for her even though she is also upset and feeling guilty. Looking forward to the next section. I wonder what will happen to bring her out of her immediate grief and give her the strength to move forward?

[qimissung]

Hey ConcreteAngel, may I say well done! I have read a fair amount of work by people who have been published and who have not yet been published, and your work stands out among the latter group. You do an absolutely outstanding job of characterization and of creating the fully realized world that this grieving young girl inhabits. One cares about these characters, both the living and the dead, and I too, found myself waiting to see what would happen next.