Not Happy

[subterranean]

I can't post in the online poetry.com (dunno why). So I just post this cheap poem here :). It was written long time ago, but I modified it last nite cause I could not sleep.



Not Happy


So it’s like being shoveled to turn the door knob
You’re sweating as they pushing you out
Seems that everyone has grown bigger
And the room is getting smaller
One out many
So sorry, they choose you quietly

And it’s like being force to drink the glass empty
Though you can’t stand and have to take a pee
But you sit still and look happy
And the cocktail feels like sh*t
And you feel like you just have been hit

So suppose you’re not the prisoner
And you run like an Olympic runner
Suppose you’re being cheer up
By the crowd who hang up at the pub
Suppose you are free
And got the crown of victory

[amuse]

i hope you sleep better :as-sleep: tonight.

[subterranean]

Yeah, awful day produces awful poems :D

[amuse]

you know that's not what i meant! :p

[mono]

Well done, sub. The way each line and stanza starts has a very raw, brisk, and conversational style that I admire, beginning with "so it's like . . ." and "so suppose . . ." Your use of simile flows also casual and easily understood, blending beautifully with the rest of the poem: "And you run like an Olympic runner." My only criticisms consisted of the below quote; whether the following came from typing errors (or lack of sleep, as you mentioned), I know not, but I would recommend these grammatical changes in bold, labelled with the line number.
Thanks for sharing you work, sub!



You’re sweating as they push (or are pushing) you out (line 2)
. . .
One out of many (line 5)
. . .
Suppose you’re being cheered up (line 14)

[Isagel]

I think you find original ways of describing feelings, and that this pome has potential if you work on it, like Mono suggested. I really like these lines in your poem :

"So suppose you’re not the prisoner
And you run like an Olympic runner"

For me they speak of another way of looking at the future. They put me in a good, optimistic mood. I´ll just keep them as my sig for awhile.

[subterranean]

Wow Isagel, you use it as your sig...I'm so honoured :).


And Mono, thank you for the correction, I did make a gramatical mistakes there. Thank's alot for the input :).

And I'll post the corrected version in the online poetry when it's available.