Old Man

[soloIQ]

'Is that for me?'
The Old Man said.
'No' I replied,
'Stay in your bed'

'You had your chance
to get your own.
it's not for sale
or even loan'.

'I know you had one,
where'd it go?'
He said it died,
...I said 'I know'.

First it would shine
and only took hope.
Then the strength
he needed to cope.

When mine fell to the floor
having lost its gleam.
I turned and left
the Old Man with my Dream.

[MorpheusSandman]

Very nice, but I'm curious, is the broken meter in stanzas 4 and 5 intentional?

[soloIQ]

a meter?....um.....ha don't be silly....well noooo I mean yes it was intentional.......whats a meter?

[MorpheusSandman]

:blush: :lol: Didn't mean to be technical. Meter determines the rhyming scheme of a poem. EG: Iambic Pentameter means a line of 5 (Penta) Iambs. An Iamb is a metrical foot that has an unstressed beat followed by a stressed beat:

aLONG / the SHORE / i SAW / a SEA / shell SHINE

a LONG, the SHORE, etc. are all iambs (unstressed paired with stressed syllable), and there are 5 to a line, so it's in iambic pentameter.

Your first two verses are in perfect Iambic Dimeter (lines made of 2 iambs), and the first two lines of verse 3 goes slightly off but still maintains rhythm (if you move "one" to the second line it maintains the iambic dimeter), but 4 and 5 breaks the pattern. I'm just curious because I just started with poetry and I've been familiarizing myself with the forms first-off. My thinking is probably just obfuscated since it seems most are more interested in the actual words (something I really have to work on) than the form... I've just always been a form+content guy. For instance (and not to play the whore but, well...), my pitiful take on the classical sonnet form here. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=36982)

[goldenrod]

Part of the trouble with reading poetry by eye off of a page, is that the reader and not the poet, measures the meter etc. The poet, when giving an oral reading, puts in pauses, stresses etc, as the poet wants them to be. In most cases, the oral rendition is by far the more indicative of the mood and nuances of a poem...IMHO.

goldenrod.

[MorpheusSandman]

That's partly true but the poet when deciding meter tends to use the stress of regular speech to put it together. While not an exact science (because stress and idiomatic speech changes over time) the reader can generally tell how it's put together because there are some words/syllables that are just plain awkward to stress in English especially when combined with words next to it. Sometimes natural rhythm takes over and you can bend this some and of course poets often change meter for effects but... well, anyway, I think I had a point there, I was just asking out of curiosity anyway.

[blazeofglory]

'Is that for me?'
The Old Man said.
'No' I replied,
'Stay in your bed'

'You had your chance
to get your own.
it's not for sale
or even loan'.

'I know you had one,
where'd it go?'
He said it died,
...I said 'I know'.

First it would shine
and only took hope.
Then the strength
he needed to cope.

When mine fell to the floor
having lost its gleam.
I turned and left
the Old Man with my Dream.

Something that really speaks of the old man as he is, seamlessly.