Log in

View Full Version : Here's a poem or two for your pleasure



MaxtonDub
07-30-2008, 11:38 AM
This is my first post on this forum....just wanted to see if I could get some feedback...maybe.

Under The Aurora

Ridiculous behavior catches everyone's attention.
Multi-colored chronicles sell looks of apprehension.
The tide was non-existent as the earth fell of it's axis.
Everyone was panicking as karma just relaxes.
The light was dim. No one could see.
The would start to spin. I would start to dream.
The panic turned to silence.
Possessions were retrieved.
And under the aurora our fears have been relieved.

Conceited stories wander into vibrant, breathing beings.
Fueled by recognition of the energy receiving
Signals from a distance. It just propels the feeling
Of love with a small side dish of a heart that's fit for breaking.
Wring out all the insides.
Let's see how far we can take things.
And just as it's rebuilding, I can feel a sense of fury.
My body is exhausted, but my mind is in a hurry.
When everything is in it's place is when I'll have no worry.


And here's another one for now....

Arnold

A silent car wreck.
A nervous breakdown.
A midlife crisis.
A passive heart beat.
The bottle's empty.
The cup is ready.
My mouth is so dry, won't you just give me a drink?

What are we celebrating?
There's children dying. There's people lying.
There's no one driving.
But today, I'm alive.

One voice cries out,
"It's desolate!"
Abandonment breaks the silence;
But no one can hear this time.
Check all the frequencies.
Make sure you're balancing.
Volunteer your secrets and share them with me.

An empty capsule. A silver gun shell.
A rusty bullet hits a squeaky axle.
A pristine stream beneath an ancient oak tree.
My mouth's so dry. I should just stop for a drink.
The water turns to poison, but not the deadly kind.
A wounded knee.
A busted spleen;
But today, I'm alive!

goldenrod
07-30-2008, 04:50 PM
Firstly, let me say welcome!

Secondly, by coincidence, I have been to all three places mentioned in your side-bar biog.

Thirdly, and by far the most important, I enjoyed your two poems, especially the second...no denigration of the first intended!:)


goldenrod.

qimissung
07-30-2008, 05:14 PM
I really like both of them. The second one is probably a little stronger, partly because I'm not sure what the first one is about.

blazeofglory
07-30-2008, 08:32 PM
These poems are impregnate with something solemnly interesting.

Dinglingzi
08-06-2008, 08:37 AM
There's children dying. There's people lying.
There's no one driving.


kinda reminds me of gun n' roses~--civil war...
:idea: i like your poems~

MorpheusSandman
08-07-2008, 06:48 PM
Love them both and prefer Aurora. I think the mixture of the rhythm and words is more evocative. Its intention is also less clearly defined, which I like. I especially love your rhythm - it's ever changing but it all flows.

Lesse... first stanza seems to alternate iambic and trochaic heptameters with feminine endings in couplets twice, then to iambic tetrameter, then masculine ending trochaic tetrameter, iambic trimeter twice (fem/masc endings), then iambic heptameter rhymed with the penultimate line.

Second stanza starts the same, then to trochaic/iambic trimeter in a line, to fem. ending iambic heptameter again, to trochaic trimeter, to iambic tetrameter, to iambic heptameter triplet with fem. endings.

Very cool. I'll have to try and play around with a similar rhythm.