No Other (Working title)

[Dark Muse]

I like the basic idea behind this poem, but I feel over all it is weak and could use some work, any suggestions welcome

The world knew no other
song, then the twiter of birds
dancing upon the clouds
the brush of the wind through
trembling leaves within the trees.

A soft trickle from a gentle
flowing stream, and the thunderous
roar of a great waterfall,
oceans rapid beating waves.

The percussion of a
tunderstorm
wooodwind whistles
of will-o-wisps
and soft cymbol tinkaling
of rain drops.

[lucidnightmares]

wow, this is really wierd.
i see what you mean about your poem, it`s not a let down or anything but it seems to be able to be so much more.
individualy each stanza is great, maybe if you started with any one of them and take a slightly different approach to this poem, i`d like to see 3 new poems with begginings from all the stanza`s.:D
the second stanza is my favorite though, i find water very poetic and powerful.

haha sorry if i`m not much help, i guess the best thing to do is look at this piece again and forget about it for awhile, the answer might just come to you while your doing something else, works for me anyway`s.

[Dark Muse]

Thank you very much, I will consider your suggestions and advice

[blazeofglory]

This is a wonderful poem and it magnetizes me

[Dark Muse]

Thank you very much

[qimissung]

I really like your poem as is. I'm only so-so at critiquing, but these are a few suggestions I have: first the word procussion-I think you want percussion. Also the last line of the second stanza-is that 'oceans rapid bearing waves' or 'being waves?' I personally like the sound of 'ocean rapids bearing waves.' Those are two very small changes-overall, I rally like this work. I love how you have so powerfully described how sound came into the world. There is a bird called a whippoorwill-or are you using the word whisper in that last stanza?

[Dark Muse]

Thank you for catching the technical mistakes.

Blah, I meant will-o-wisp, but the name escaped me at the time of writing this.

I will go fix that.

[Dark Muse]

Well not sure I want to finilize it yet, but here is the second draft:

The world knew no other song
but the twitter of the birds
dancing upon the clouds,

and there was no melody
but the brush of the wind
through trembling leaves
among the trees.

A soft trickle from a gentle
flowing stream resending
into the thunderous roar
of a great waterfall
or the oceans rapid beating waves.

A percussion of a thunderstorm
and woodwind whistles
from the will-o-wisps
falling with a soft cymbal tinkling
of rain drops,

these are the sounds
the songs, the melody
of the world.