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Nossa
07-19-2008, 03:59 PM
I wrote this out of boredom about a week ago. I got it posted on my blog. Hope you like it :D

IT WAS a gloomy day. There were sun rays every now and then, but mostly thick clouds, so thick that you can almost feel the weight of the water about to drop to earth. But nothing stopped the city from moving. People were in the streets as usual, as sharp and as regular as they always are. Despite the fact that this was possibly the first cloudy day in three months of hot summer, and although they, in the humid thirsty summer days, prayed for a shade of grey that can soak up the sun rays even a little bit. She sat with a hot cup of tea in her hands, watching the horizon blocked by the far reaching buildings. She longed for something that she couldn't figure out; she felt a heavy sigh in her breast and within her ribs, a sigh that she couldn't get out into the void. She turned on some music, and started to undress. She got into the shower, and felt relaxed by the steam of the hot water. As she was getting dressed for work, she still felt that sigh and a certain weight lying on her chest. She didn't give it that much thought, though, as she made her way to the street. She had a day of work ahead of her, and nothing should distract her from that. However, she couldn't help but look up at the cloudy sky. It was an unusual summer day in the city. No burning sun and no hot breeze. Just a chilly one. She made her way to the subway, still feeling the heaviness on her chest. She sat there, looking at the people. They were the same people, as everyday, but somehow looked different today. They looked clearer somehow. She could almost see through them. She sat there, watching and observing. She didn't really observe or watch something in particular, but a general view of the people. She didn't think of something in particular, but general thoughts and ideas. She wondered where each of them was going, what they do for living and if they had any problems. She found herself wondering if any of them was feeling that sigh she felt. She couldn't ask anyone about it, for it felt vague. She had a feeling of being transparent. It made her absorb and grasp more about the world than she wanted or needed. It was tiring. When she arrived at her working place, she felt a need to look at everyone in the office, as if she was seeing them anew. Did they change? Impossible. It's probably her, she thought. It's that weight she's carrying on her chest and even her shoulders. She looked out the window of her office, and felt kind of connected to the heavy clouds of the sky. She was probably the only person who was looking out of the window and into the sky. She as the only one wondering about these sublime newcomers of the town. But then again she thought, maybe everyone did look but she just didn't see them.

WHEN SHE finished work and went home, she stayed for about an hour in the tub. She turned on some Chopin and just stayed there. She thought that maybe if she took a long warm bath, she would finally shake off that feeling she had all day. This sigh and that clinch in her chest. Neither did Chopin nor the warm water or even the little wine glass do anything. She stepped out of the tub and tucked herself into the bed. It was a chilly night, and all the windows were closed. She stayed in bed for another hour, or was it two hours? She couldn't tell. She didn't know when she finally slept. She just hugged her pillow and slept. Later in that night she thought she heard Chopin still playing. She didn't mind though, she smiled as the Nocturne went on. She was an expert on classical music, but she couldn't figure out which piece that was. She just smiled and enjoyed the sound of the piano. She had a sweet and almost intoxicating feeling of being a little girl again, sitting in bed, with her mother brushing her hair, one hundred strokes before she goes to sleep. That was the tradition. She could feel her mother's voice and her low laughter, as she sang her before she went to sleep. Her smile widened. Before she slept again she recalled a picture. A little girl riding a white graceful horse. That wasn't her, she thought, but it felt familiar somehow. She smiled once more, and pulled the blanket up to her neck and slept again. The last thing that went through her mind before she closed her eyes was that the sigh and the heaviness were gone. She felt light again. And out of the closed window and into the dark sky, she could see the sparkling of a star.

THE NEXT morning the sun was shinning again. Seemed that people hardly noticed it was gone the day before. And when they found her in her bed, cold and blue, they hardly noticed the big smile on her face. They couldn't see the sigh evaporate into the air. They wanted to bring her back. But for what? She amazingly kept holding on to the blanket, waiting for her mother to finish the hundred strokes. And for Chopin to finally take his bow.

qimissung
07-19-2008, 07:13 PM
You include details that kept one intrigued-and the ending was a surprise. I kept wanting her to get to that place where she could breathe. Good story!

Nossa
07-31-2008, 09:58 AM
Thank you :D I'm glad you liked it :D

J_M_D_Telvatia
08-06-2008, 08:46 AM
Speaking of Chopin (whom I adore), 'One Hundred Strokes' reminded me at first of Kate Chopin's 'Story of an Hour' and then somewhat like Faulkner's 'A Rose for Emily,' only yours is a more subtle twist because of the reflective nature of the story. Beautiful.

wilbur lim
08-07-2008, 11:09 PM
Greetings,
I must cite that you had describe too much about the weather.It will make some people jaded,but,it is a excellent description,thus,I would like to applaud thou.I will note down some good descriptions in my notebook,for it is literally excellent.
By the way,how old are you?

clumsy angelle
08-08-2008, 05:35 AM
I liked the story. It was well- written. I also admire your writing style. You came out with a very good story considering that you wrote it in a second person point of view.

Nossa
08-08-2008, 07:14 AM
Thank you guys very much!! I'm really glad you found it a good story :)
@Wilbur Lim: I'm 20 years old :D

tedgemon
08-08-2008, 12:05 PM
i liked it. by the way you described the weather, it sounded like the was in florida yesterday...

DisPater
08-15-2008, 01:37 AM
I liked the story. It was well- written. I also admire your writing style. You came out with a very good story considering that you wrote it in a second person point of view.

there is no such thing as "second person point of view". It is written in third person, external focalization.

It is a predictable story, from the beginning. The "gloomy day" opposite to "Despite the fact that this was possibly the first cloudy day in three months of hot summer" tell us that something wrong is going to happen. And in the text are some phrases that can be easily eliminated.

keep writing.

allesfliesst
08-28-2008, 01:14 PM
nice. pearly. nicely conveys the idea that dying really isn't that different from living. at least from a certain kind of living. which seems like a convincing idea.

Captain Pike
08-28-2008, 04:12 PM
I liked this little short story. One thing that caught on a crag in my ever-judge mental mind was the image of her looking at the horizon, which was blocked by buildings, something like that. It seemed as though it should have been that the view was ALMOST blocked by buildings -- some kind of way that she could still see a bit of the horizon (you said she was looking at).
Oh, and maybe you could run it through the paragraphinator -- bust it up a bit, maybe?

Nossa
08-28-2008, 05:56 PM
First of all thank you everyone for your feedbacks :D And I apologise I'm being late in replying.

@tedgemon: I'm glad you liked it :D

@DisPater: Thank you for your feedback. Do you think it's a disadvantage that it was predictable from the start?

@allesfliesst: Glad you liked it :D I liked how you phrased it, how living isn't really different than dying. That's really close to what I had in mind while I was writing it :D

@Captain Pike: You're right, it doesn't really make sense to say that she was looking at the horizon while it was blocked by buildings. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for your feedback :D

I'll be looking forward to all of your feedbacks on any of my future stories :)

J_M_D_Telvatia
09-01-2008, 05:01 PM
Brief ideological disagreement: As living beings, we can only assume that there may be little difference between life and death. The dead can make no such assumptions