the bus

[Ceahorse]

The bus

He heard her offended.
He watched her from his bound papers.
She looked as if she lost her innocence.
Westerners took it from her,
At her parents will.

Perhaps, she never stood unknowing.

The west has taught her the aspect of vanity.
The east has been merged with her new self.
She cannot hide her heritage,
She understands this and uses it.

He convinced himself that the time had passed.
He rued the lack of haste.
Regret is a driving force.
He politely pushed the obedient wall that stood between them.

She was intimidated by the bold,
However, she allowed herself some enjoyment.

He tossed the ball,
Unfortunately, he wasn’t playing a compatible game.

At least, he can smile.

:thumbs_up ????

[Dyrwen]

Hm. Interesting prose, though it seems a little flat. I guess I just had trouble getting through it, even though it was relatively short, just didn't pop with any particular message or image.

Just a thought, but perhaps it would appear better not written in 3rd person omniscent p.o.v. and instead was from one or the other's perspective. I see it is mostly coming from his perspective, but it doesn't come across as such by the middle/end of it, so it felt harder to follow I suppose.

It's different though, and that's always good.

[mono]

Very interesting, Ceahorse. The story tells such sporadic details and step-by-step that you hold the reader's attention very well. Writing, perhaps, in something other than third person might make things interesting too, as Dyrwen suggested; but from that perspective, you explain well some raw, and sometimes objective, subjects.
Well done, overall.

[subterranean]

He convinced himself that the time had passed.
He rued the lack of haste.
Regret is a driving force.
He politely pushed the obedient wall that stood between them.

She was intimidated by the bold,
However, she allowed herself some enjoyment.

He tossed the ball,
Unfortunately, he wasn’t playing a compatible game.

At least, he can smile.




When I read the first two sections, I thought the poem was telling about a girl who become somekind of "victim" of situation. But when I read thru, seems that there are two persons here which I assume in unhappy condition, the he and she. And I don't really see the correlation between them.
Maybe if the "she and he" is changed to " I "...?? :)