Hayle Beach- A Reverie

[Kafka's Crow]

Hayle Beach- A Reverie

And we drove on, we drove all day.
We thought the road would never end, the day would.
But it did end before the day itself as we approached the End.
And there we sat as the blue sea borrowed the hue
From your eyes and turned gray.
And there we sat staring at waves
Till they could not hold what they had drunk and languidly stumbled
Receding, receded, slowly further
And further away, at last free to be dark, like their usual night-time self.

[_Shannon_]

I like the borrowing from your eyes...

for my personal tastes I think the first line would be better dropping the second "we drove"- you could use a full stop to lengthen the line.

I also think the second line is weak in comparison the the rest of the poem which is so evocative.

[Kafka's Crow]

I like the borrowing from your eyes...

for my personal tastes I think the first line would be better dropping the second "we drove"- you could use a full stop to lengthen the line.

I also think the second line is weak in comparison the the rest of the poem which is so evocative.

Oh thanks. I am no poet, just scribbled some lines under immense emotional pressure. It had to come out.

Wouldn't the first line become too short. Some lines would look and sound way too long if I shorten the first one (but does it matter?). Please tell me, does it look and sound like a poem to you?

(Land's End, (the End) in Cornwall, is five hours drive from where I live. Hayle beach lies about 40 miles before you reach Land's End. And yes, I sometimes go there just to see the beautiful sunset and the receding tide!!!)

[goldenrod]

Spent a winter a couple of years ago in Newlyn. Rented a place on the front called "Hen Joppa."

Your piece reminded me of that great time spent in Cornwall!

Sent a poem into the forum a short while ago titled "Goonhilly", doubt if more than a couple of people knew what it referred to!

And YES! your piece IS a poem!

goldenrod.

[_Shannon_]

Oh thanks. I am no poet, just scribbled some lines under immense emotional pressure. It had to come out.

Wouldn't the first line become too short. Some lines would look and sound way too long if I shorten the first one (but does it matter?). Please tell me, does it look and sound like a poem to you?

(Land's End, (the End) in Cornwall, is five hours drive from where I live. Hayle beach lies about 40 miles before you reach Land's End. And yes, I sometimes go there just to see the beautiful sunset and the receding tide!!!)
Indeed- it looks and sounds like a poem!!! And the ones written from urgency, to me, are exactly what poetry is all about!

That first line could be like:

We drove on. All day.

And at least how I read it--with that full stop the line is as long as putting in we drove again. This is just a matter of my personal taste ,mind you, and because I think the rest of what you've written is really good :) I think how it is right now- that your first line sounds like a pop song--but the rest of your poem is so sensual.


I think with the second line--I am just unsure what it means--maybe something like:

Will the road never end?
And kill off he "day would" part.

I think today reading it, too-- that I would break the next line so it reads:
But it did end before the day itself,
As we approached the End

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hayle Beach- A Reverie

And we drove on, we drove all day.
We thought the road would never end, the day would.
But it did end before the day itself as we approached the End.
And there we sat as the blue sea borrowed the hue
From your eyes and turned gray.
And there we sat staring at waves
Till they could not hold what they had drunk and languidly stumbled
Receding, receded, slowly further
And further away, at last free to be dark, like their usual night-time self.

Great poem! Wonderful poem! Without taking sides re the critiques offered, I love it for the way it feels like as much as you could bite off from a larger emotion. "Their usual night-time self" as is the case at times in poetry does a whole lot more than a seemingly casual statement ought to do on the face of it.

[ampoule]

I love it as it is.

[Kafka's Crow]

Wow! So many people commenting on my 'poem'. _Shannon_ I will shorten it and rewrite the bits you pointed out. The repetitive 'end' is there to loom large above the whole thing, because 'end' it is all about, inevitable end which, I think, we have already reached!

I read your poem, goldenrod, it perfectly recreates the peace and calm of a Cornish landscape. Beautiful!

Prince Myshkin, I am humbled by your post. Thanks a million!

Ampoule, if you can tolerate it, I'll throw in some more. I have some little pieces scribbled here and there.