Driving With Edward Hopper

[_Shannon_]

Driving With Edward Hopper

three birds
on two wires
at random intervals

the art of looking
past each other
in studied detatchment

entire lifetimes of
what remains unsaid
in each moment

of flat morning sun
dumping over
impersonal outbuildings

in strange perspective
the brown utility poles make
distance seem limitless

one bird chirps
singing for another far
outside this field of view

[PrinceMyshkin]

Driving With Edward Hopper

three birds
on two wires
at random intervals

the art of looking
past each other
in studied detatchment

entire lifetimes of
what remains unsaid
in each moment

of flat morning sun
dumping over
impersonal outbuildings

full, rich colors conveyed
in strange perspective
engulfs a chasm uncrossable

despite its narrowness
despite nearly touching
despite growing urgency

solitary song
staring out far past
this field of view

I'm crazy about this, from the spare, authoritative image clear first stanza through all of the first four but then it got (self-consciously?) cerebral, the interpretive brain taking over from the visceral one and the pull of it weakened on me.

[_Shannon_]

No, I think you're right...I think the last stanza ought to stay be reworked a bit. certainly the penultimate stanza ought to go...and with 5th stanza- maybe change chasm to distance--or kill it off??

I think for me one of the very alluring things about Hopper's paintings are that his colors are rich and vibrant and not "lonely"- but the odd use of perspective, commands those colors to evoke distances

[_Shannon_]

last stanza perhaps:
One bird chirping
singining for one far
past this field of view

-or-
one bird chirps
singing for someone far
outside this field of view

??????

[_Shannon_]

full, rich to saturating??

full, rich kind of seems different than 'flat morning sun'

[_Shannon_]

Driving With Edward Hopper

three birds
on two wires
at random intervals

the art of looking
past each other
in studied detatchment

entire lifetimes of
what remains unsaid
in each moment

of flat morning sun
dumping over
impersonal outbuildings

one bird chirps
singing for another far
outside this field of view
Okay I decdided to just kill awkward, yuck stanza

what say you--does the last one need to go??
I think it kinda ties it back to the first stanza...

[PrinceMyshkin]

last stanza perhaps:
One bird chirping
singining for one far
past this field of view

-or-
one bird chirps
singing for someone far
outside this field of view

??????

This becomes way more present than what you had before, but the active verb is every time better than the fukking gerund, ie, chirps rather than chirping specially as you'll still have "signing"

and (next post)

[PrinceMyshkin]

OKay there's my intital re work...
bettwr or worse? NEeding more work?

Better, yes, but


in strange perspective
the brown utility poles make
distance seem limitless

"strange" is I believe the only place where you presume to judge or evaluate the scene: "strange" to whom? by what standard?

[_Shannon_]

vanishing?

vanishing perspective??

[PrinceMyshkin]

vanishing?

vanishing perspective??

Sure!

[_Shannon_]

Okay I decdided to just kill awkward, yuck stanza

what say you--does the last one need to go??
I think it kinda ties it back to the first stanza... LOL! I thought I posted this this morning- but instead edited a post...

NEed more coffee...

So as it stands now:

Driving With Edward Hopper

three birds
on two wires
at random intervals

the art of looking
past each other
in studied detatchment

entire lifetimes of
what remains unsaid
in each moment

of flat morning sun
dumping over
impersonal outbuildings

one bird chirps
singing for another far
outside this field of view

[goldenrod]

Interesting to click in at intervals and watch the evolution of a poem. Particularly one which carries a minimum of words.

goldenrod.

[_Shannon_]

Interesting to click in at intervals and watch the evolution of a poem. Particularly one which carries a minimum of words.

goldenrod.

LOL! single words gain much more importance when there are fewer said :)

I am still on the fence about some of this poem...

[firefangled]

Go ahead, write a poem like this, make my day.

Fabulous! Love the pace of it and the sudden attention in the last stanza after all the listlessness before.