Second point of view story

[dropman]

Bright light hits your eyes in the morning. You are half asleep, yet you have to go. In twenty minutes you are ready on the bus going to the same place you go every day. You stare blank at the window and see the blurred world outside. You turn on your iPod and search for the favorite tunes. You think about life, and why you are who you are. Your memories come up one after another… vivid pictures in your head replace reality, and you are there… again. Every time you try to go away from these memories, but once you think, they are coming back. You watch people get off the bus and automatically do the same thing. You see people passing by. You follow. Track after track plays on iPod and you know all of them. Few hours later you get out of the building, and feel breeze. Lime green grass, clear blue sky and people laughing. It makes you to think of why don`t you laugh, but you cannot answer it. You are slowly walking down the street. Nothing matters these moments. You just walk.. You follow the drumless beat. Few moments after you look down at the people.. You see how busy they are, always rushing somewhere. How happy they are laughing. You look and think. Discovering them you try to find out more about yourself. Your friends try to make you happy, but you don’t hear them anymore. You just try to walk away. Every time you are alone you think. Your thoughts end up nowhere.. Endless stream of ideas and imageries. You cannot find a point of your existence. You think that you are not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough … You just exist as spectator. Melodies play one after another, and make your mind relaxed. It’s dark. You see the lights. There is so many lights out. You don’t want to think any more. You don’t think. Next moment it’s dark. Dark and quiet. Nothing bothers you. There are no more melodies, no more thoughts, no more green grass or street lights…

Please, correct me where it`s neccessary. I do not write in English well so all kind of critiques and comments would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

[metin]

I dont write in English either. Yet English is one of the languages I prefer reading in.
But here are my two cents:

I'd recommend you to leave the "you" style. Like "you go, you see..." etc. It gives the reader -me in this case ;) - the feeling that you're trying to explain something but keep failing. Here, you, as "the writer" should shock me with the sudden impact that comes from your elegant tone. Yours is rather a part of a long conversation between two friends.

Sentences are too short. If I were you, I would choose to enhance the bits of environment with my own epxressions, like: "Waking up to a bright morning which I've forgotten to enjoy for a good while now, I unwantedly thought of the fact that I have to be there again before leaving the arms of Morpheus."

Sorry, this is not my native tongue and I couldnt give you more effective examples. But if you want to "write", keep in mind that "reading" should always precede the act of "writing".

[dropman]

Thank you, metin for your advices. I understand that "you-style" isn`t the best politics, yet that was my assignment, so I had to follow it :) I`ll work more to enhance my sentences, you are absolutely right, they are really short. Thank you!

[kelby_lake]

'You' becomes irritating when it's used that often. Mix it into sentences: 'He doesn't open that door for you. It's your door and your life. So you walk out, convinced that all those things you craved- freedom, joy, success- shall be coming to you.