Dance 'Til You Get Laughed Off the Floor

[wagravity]

Keep moving
Can't you feel the heat
You move like snipers
Are shooting the floorboards
That so perfectly circle your feet
My dual left feet
Are constantly off beat
My waist moves away from the bass
As you smile, I smile
But you're smiling and laughing at me

I claim intoxication
But you know what I drank
I clumsily stumble
While I'm tracing your hips figure 8
You smile and laugh one more time
Like lacking rhythm is committing a crime
Left foot, left foot
It's all the same, it's such a shame
The true crime is....
I don't even remember your name

[sparr0w]

I really love the idea behind this. The only criticism I would have is that perhaps you are trying just a little too hard to rhyme? Again, that would be my only criticism. Otherwise, it is perfect. To start with, the title snags your interest- "dance till you get laughed off the floor". Kind of my philosophy. Kind of "screw them, I'm gonna have a good time and not let my pride get in the way of a great experience". Just like my signing quote actually, from Bukowski "...ride life into perfect laughter. It's the only good fight left". So yes, beyond the title and right into the poem. In the first part, I especially like the lines "You move like snipers
Are shooting the floorboards
That so perfectly circle your feet"
I'm not sure if it was your "aim" or not (heh, get it, a play on words. you were talking about snipers and I said "aim". Aint I smart? ... not so much? okay), but I get the image there of kind of forcing myself, awkwardly, to dance. After that, its kind of like you just say "screw it. I'm gonna have a good time tonight". Again, I really like it. Just maybee next time you could try to be a bit looser with the form. Don't try to foce it. I have a feeling that your style could easily speak for itself. Peace- Chris