my poem.. please comment

[Tiny Dancer]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing but here it goes..
I have just written a poem and I would really like it if i could have some constructive feedback on it. Certains parts that do not flow/work or more ideas for certain lines etc..
And any ideas for a title as well. Thank you so much!



Edited recently: New Version

When the blind man can see and the mad man becomes sane
When the crippled man rises to dance in the rain
When the banished return no longer in shame
For that fateful day we'll be awaiting

When every fountain and waterfall cease to shed tears
And all the world's cowards have faced their fears
When the coming of the chosen one forever nears
Then the tide of destruction will be abating

When we move out of winter and into the spring
When love is no longer symbolised in a ring
When the homeless man replaces the king
Then we'll be no more lost in translating

When the clear and obvious become impossible to discern
And the one who was missing will make his return
When the flames of hatred will no longer burn
We'll no more be blind to the world we're creating

When what was wrong will considered right
When the creatures of day dwell with the beings of night
And all the dying countries cease their continuous fight
You'll be judged by your person not your military rating

When life slows down, no longer a blur
When people stop dreaming of how things were
When the killing of an innocent will no more occur
Then the world will be rid of all this hating

When the music starts but does not begin
And the world is to weary to continue its spin
When all the world's offenders have a remission of sin
Only then will I be freed of this waiting

[sofia82]

YOu are waiting for a Utopia. The subject is great. You are great in using paradox and opposites. Good luck.

About rhmye, it seems you try to write in aaab cccb dddb ... but some words do not rhyme like sane rain shame / win ring king / and translation.

[Tiny Dancer]

THANK YOU!!! for replying and commenting on this.
Yeah that was what i was trying to get across.. waiting for the impossible.
The perfect world. Should i call it that? :(
I am so bad at making decisions. Thanks for the advice.. I really really value the feedback. I'm new to this whole sharing work thing.

[sofia82]

THANK YOU!!! for replying and commenting on this.
Yeah that was what i was trying to get across.. waiting for the impossible.
The perfect world. Should i call it that? :(
I am so bad at making decisions. Thanks for the advice.. I really really value the feedback. I'm new to this whole sharing work thing.


You're welcome. It is good "The Perfect World" what about "The World Lost" if you imagine what you called in your perfect world as the golden age believed to be once.
I am knew here, too. For just a few weeks ;)

[sofia82]

I correct it "The Lost World." Better than that, "Waiting"

[caelycate]

Tiny Dancer - you have obvious talent. the beginning of the poem is perfect:

When the blind man can see and the mad man becomes sane
When the crippled man rises to dance in the rain
When the banished return no longer in shame
For that fateful day we'll be awaiting

When every fountain and waterfall cease to shed tears
And all the world's cowards have faced their fears
When the coming of the chosen one forever nears
Then the tide of destruction will be abating

after this, it doesnt quite have the same flow. as sophia pointed out - the rhyming in several parts doesn't quite work. so, i guess my suggestion is to maybe cut the poem down - you get the theme of the poem from the first two parts - maybe that's all you need. sometimes simpler in better. hope that helps. as i said before, i do really like it, it just needs a tiny bit of tweaking. good luck!

[Tiny Dancer]

You're welcome. It is good "The Perfect World" what about "The World Lost" if you imagine what you called in your perfect world as the golden age believed to be once.
I am knew here, too. For just a few weeks ;)

Brilliant site isn't it!? I am now officially addicted.
I edited the poem.. deleted a whole verse and changed several whole lines and swapped some words so it is less of a mouthful. Is it better? I am pathetic when it comes to throwing away something I have written so i can'r bring myself to delete all but 2 verses.. :(

:alien:

[Tiny Dancer]

Tiny Dancer - you have obvious talent. the beginning of the poem is perfect:

When the blind man can see and the mad man becomes sane
When the crippled man rises to dance in the rain
When the banished return no longer in shame
For that fateful day we'll be awaiting

When every fountain and waterfall cease to shed tears
And all the world's cowards have faced their fears
When the coming of the chosen one forever nears
Then the tide of destruction will be abating

after this, it doesnt quite have the same flow. as sophia pointed out - the rhyming in several parts doesn't quite work. so, i guess my suggestion is to maybe cut the poem down - you get the theme of the poem from the first two parts - maybe that's all you need. sometimes simpler in better. hope that helps. as i said before, i do really like it, it just needs a tiny bit of tweaking. good luck!


THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PRAISE :yawnb: You have no idea how happy that makes me feel. I have fixed the rhyming in several parts by completely rewriting lines/swapping words and i also deleted one paragraph. What do you think. If you really think so then i will delete more, it's just i hate deleting stuff - it is a condition i have. Once again thank you for the help!!
:)

[sprinks]

Well done, I loved it! Poetry's not really my thing, but I really liked this a lot!!! :D

[sofia82]

This is better in some parts, and a few suggestions:


When we move out of winter and into the spring

I think this has a kind of positive meaning, a hopefulness which is in contrast with the rest of the poem.


When the clear and obvious become hard to discern

Here, impossible is better in comparison to hard, impossible reinforces the meaning


When what was wrong will considered right
When the creatures of day dwell with the beings of night
And all the dying countries cease their continuous fight
You'll be judged by your person not your military rating

This is really good, and has a lot to say, why did you omit this stanza?


When the sun sets on him and rises on her.

I like this line alot, too. and this


When life slows down, no longer a blur

But can't decide which one is better. By the way, it is your poetry and it is important you feel good about it.


Only then will I be freed of this waiting
This is great. Here freed is better as it is a verb and something will take place. And I think that it represent waiting for a savior more than be free of this waiting.

[sofia82]

Brilliant site isn't it!? I am now officially addicted.


Fortunately or unfortunately i am addicted, too :lol:

The first thing i do is to check this site and the last before sleeping again is checking this site I want to resist but i can't.

I wish I had found this site at least 3 ago

[sofia82]

Tiny Dancer - you have obvious talent. the beginning of the poem is perfect:



I agree with caelycate, You have obvious talent.

[Tiny Dancer]

This is better in some parts, and a few suggestions:



I think this has a kind of positive meaning, a hopefulness which is in contrast with the rest of the poem.

so is that good or bad thing?


When the clear and obvious become hard to discern - Here, impossible is better in comparison to hard, impossible reinforces the meaning

Yeah i never liked replacing that word.. it felt all wrong. :)



When what was wrong will considered right
When the creatures of day dwell with the beings of night
And all the dying countries cease their continuous fight
You'll be judged by your person not your military rating

This is really good, and has a lot to say, why did you omit this stanza?


I deleted it because i thought people considered it too much of a mouthful.. I'll put it back though because i liked it too :D



When the sun sets on him and rises on her.

I like this line alot, too. and this



When life slows down, no longer a blur

But can't decide which one is better. By the way, it is your poetry and it is important you feel good about it.

I think i am going for the second one because it is a little more relevant to the theme...


Thank you so much for the comments.. you do wonders for my confidence and you actually help me improve it! :blush:

:alien:

[Tiny Dancer]

Well done, I loved it! Poetry's not really my thing, but I really liked this a lot!!! :D

Thank you sprinks :blush: You make me very happy by saying that :lol:

[sofia82]

so is that good or bad thing?

It depends on you. If you want to represent the world in complete darkness, it is not good. If you want to represent a little light and hope in this dark world, it is ok. Now which one do you like to show?

[amanda_isabel]

pretty good, Tiny Dancer. I liked it... the intro is catchy and you offer some sort of familiarity throughout the poem while you build up on your ideas and introduce the next phase in your line of thinking.

I see I've read the tweaked / edited verison, and I see the other members have already helped you out :)

[Hayley Zero]

I loved this line:

When love is no longer symbolised in a ring