reaccuring dream, by GoofyFlamingo

[GoofyFlamingo]

I never want this moment to end.

Your arms are around me, and I can feel your even breathing beneath me. A light breeze dances across my bare arms that no longer need to hide. The sunset and the shade of the oak tree create a dim light; although almost imvisible to those passing by, I am no longer invisible to you.

You sit up to pick the solitary flower growing under the tree, and tuck the flower behind my ear. As I gaze into your perfect eyes, I can't help but cry. I lean into your chest and listen to your heartbeat, my tears staining your shirt. You pull me back into a hug.

"You are safe now. You never need to go back. You never have to see them again, and her power over you is gone. You are free." Your words turn my cries into tears of joy as I recognize their truth. I know that when night arrives and this moment ends, I will leave with you and you will protect me.

I pull up to lean on your shoulder, and watch the remainder of the fading sunset. I whisper, "I love you." You wipe away my tears as you reply, "I love you too and always will. Forever." You lean in to kiss me, and right before our lips touch. . .



I wake up.

My pillow is wet with tears, and I continue to cry as the loneliness of the night creeps up on me. I cannot stop crying at the thought of how unattainable my dream is. I clutch the sheets closer, and whisper to the darkness. i whisper the deepest desire of my heart, and wait for the answer that I know will never come. I whisper only one word, your name: "Jacob. . ."

[GoofyFlamingo]

any suggestions are welcome, this was kinda first draft. and if anyone has suggestions for a better title, i would love to hear them. thanks!

[lovelylucretia]

I found it interesting but I think it'd be more enjoyable as a poem. There was something poetic by the way you said everything, which made it awkard because it's prose. Otherwise, I thought it was decent...some might say I'm a hopeless romantic.

[amanda_isabel]

I agree with lovelylucretia.

Still, being the hopeless romantic that I am (hey, lucretia and I will probably get along well! :D), I can relate to having dreams you wish you didn't have to let go of (and into wakefulness, of all things!)... You just have to find the best way possible to describe, express, et al everything that was going on. This was okay, but I find it a bit more bloggish than post-ish.

Are they recurring, by the way? Maybe that could be included in your piece. :)

[PabloQ]

I'm not quite as romantic. My suggestion is to entitle it Jacob and end the story with "I only whisper your name". When the narrator wakes, the first part of the story is obviously a dream. One suggestion to commuicate the recurring nature of the dream is to either start the story with the work "Again" or to use it at the wakening.
The story is good and there's a depth to it beyond what's immediately apparent on the surface. I think there are plenty of opportunities to tighten the language to make it more powerful. I'm not sure it can be tightened enough to make it workable as a poem. But I agree that it isn't a very long story unless you plan to develop it on the back end.