Making a poem for my English class, could any of you experts check it out?

[GCowner]

I lay as a rock in the softest of clouds
Until the Satanic screams try to enter my ears
I noticed I was protected by a shroud
Upon which I stood up and relinquished all my fears

Placing both my hands on the red faced creature I silence it
I move away from the lulling puppet and head to the Land of Peace
There I stood for hours as another monster mouth spit
Then I spun the head of the creature and felt like a fleece.

[lucidnightmares]

the emotion is there, the first line is absolutely amazing.

"I lay as a rock in the softest of clouds"

i think the only problem is it feels restrained, like it`s trying to be perfect.
like it`s trying too hard .

it is by no means a bad poem, it is good and rather enjoyable.

i just feel you could do alot better if you where to un-restrain yourself, don`t worry about what it has to be and just let it be.

it may sound stupid but it`s my own thoughts on the subject.

[GCowner]

Thanks! Could anyone else offer some advice aswell? I don't know what "unstraining" myself means (should I no longer be a rock? o.O)

[jgweed]

"Placing both my ahnds on the red faced creature I silence it/
I move away from the lulling puppet and head to the Land of Peace/There I stood for hours as the monsters mouth spit/
Then I spun the head of the creature and felt like a fleece."

I have a hard time visualising the location of the speaker here, first in front of the monster, then in the land of peace, and with a very long reach, spinning his head.

But perhaps I am completely misreading the stanza.

[GCowner]

there i fixed it, hopefully for the better?

[jgweed]

Better, but now you have TWO monsters instead of one, and the poem gives no clue why the second monster would be found in the land of peace.

How about:

...and think of the land of peace/
while I stood for hours as the something, something monster..... (as I remember I liked the original description)

Just as a consideration, it would be helpful if you could retain the original poem and either post the revision as a reply or add it beneath the original.

[GCowner]

I lay as a rock in the softest of clouds
Until the demonic screams try to enter my ears
I noticed I was protected by a shroud
Upon which I stood up and relinquished all my fears

Placing both my hands on the red faced creature I silence it
I move away from the lulling puppet and think of the Land of Peace
While I stood for hours as another monster mouth spit
Then I spun the head of the creature and felt like fleece