first short story

[amanda_isabel]

dear all,

i don;t really think of myself as someone who could write short stories but i'm giving it a go... so, all comments welcome! please don;t hesitate to let the fire out (especially if it is terrible).

thanks

xoxo
amanda



His morning was off to a good start. She had dropped by unexpectedly (the only manner by which she did), and despite that she needed something from him, she had looked fabulous… Skirt and sneakers, as always; ever so feminine but it was clear she was used to the male functions, and malfunctions, her work entailed.

“Are you feeling all right?” She asked after a moment. “Yes, now that I’ve seen you, I’m all right.” She rolled her eyes with a smile. He cringed; how terribly cliché.

She left. He always turned away as she turned to face the doorway. It wasn’t that she didn’t look good from behind, she did, but that was something he never saw.

She was back an hour or so later to return the file she’d borrowed earlier, and this time, she plopped down on the chair across him. He kept several in his office, but her favorite was the computer chair. In his own chair, he took a gulp of the coffee he’d just made and offered her a cup, which she politely refused.

“You’re refusing, but at home your mug is this big,” he said playfully, while making a mug twice as big as his with his fingers.

“What?” she cried with her playful skepticism. It was her trademark. “Yes,” he cried loudly, “except it’s filled with cocoa.” She let out a mild laugh and met his eyes. She didn’t like coffee.

“You see what I have to go through?” It was the week after exams. He gave her some computing to do, both to keep her around and to keep her busy. He could never imagine her bored. “Why don’t you take education? There are a lot of scholarships up for grabs for education,” he added.

She shook her head. “Others say I should too, since no matter how fast I’m talking they still somehow understand what I have to say. It’s not a lack of skill, really, but I just don’t have the patience to teach.” He nodded. “When you’re teaching, it’s not just a skill thing,” he said as if to himself. “So what course are you taking?”

“I wanted theater arts or creative writing, but my parents want me to take a professional course.”

“So what’s your professional course?”

She spun on the computer chair. “Law.”

“Are you sure you want me computing these? Numbers are not my forte.” “Think of it as computing your consultation fee. Besides, you’re my secretary, right?” Oh, so I’m getting a promotion, she thought. She looked at him with those sassy eyes she always coupled with a smile, and finished off what she was computing.

“I better go. I already missed my ten-to-eleven.”

“You?”

“Yup. Thanks.”

“Hey. Where’s your blow out?”

“Blow out?” she repeated, surprised. “What for?”

“For the best lawyer in the making.” She laughed. “I hope to deliver.”

“Pizza?” She smirked. He cringed again.

She turned toward the doorway. He looked away.

This time, she paused, and added almost as an afterthought, “If those computations are wrong, it means I’ll have to pay someone to do them for me someday.”

This time, she left him with a smile.

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[Captain_Kuchiki]

This story's wording is pretty good, and gives a human feel to both characters; they have distinct personalities, that's important for stories. It could use a bit more background story, though, the two people were realistic but undefined. Plus, when one person is done talking and another starts, you hit return. Not "ldajgdsfjksg." "sidgfjisgj." rather,

"rwgsjsdgkljfsgkljfsgkl," he said.
"rgsijsfgkljsfgkljsf," she answered.

Keep it up! ;)

[amanda_isabel]

okay I should really check back on the threads I start more often!

Thanks Captain Kuchiki, I appreciate the feedback :D

[amanda_isabel]

here's another one I wrote; it was originally posted in my blog but I would really like for feedback and criticism, so here it is.


Her chest expanded as she breathed in deeply. So did his. Her heels clicked to the thump of his heartbeat, and as it was climaxing, she looked down. She might have walked him by. She usually did, with a quick wave and time for little else. But he was determined to have her this time, and by God, he would have a feast.

“Hello, my dear,” she heard in a familiar, perky tenor. In less than the time it took for someone to hide a smile, she looked up to his remembered features and down to his shirt of a remembered pattern. He is wearing a picnic mantle today. She dearly loved his blue sky.

“How are you?” Clearly he had time to chat. “Getting prettier by the day,” was the response. To any other person, she would have answered, “fine,” but to him she did not.

He took in her denim, calf-revealing skirt, grey hooded jacket, and black blouse that hinted in just the slightest at what it covered. “I can see that,” with a smile as playful as her blouse.

“So when are you leaving?”

“Next week.” Her smile was as pure and genuine as what she kept under her skin.

“What about that picture I was asking for?”

“Which picture is that?” The impression was fresh. “It’s on your desk, under the glass, and you covered it with a calendar.” He covered it with good reason. She found it, and he placed it under the pure glass of his table, an image captured between the split seconds of a blink. It was silly. It was perfect. But he didn’t remember. She did.

“I have to go. I’m late.”

“For what? What are you doing?” he inquired curiously. She named a few things, he suspected, off of her list. “You are really in demand, my dear,” half to himself.

She abruptly said goodbye.

“Send me your email address,” he trailed after her. She turned her head to nod and the dark tresses he hated swayed along with her hips, and she waved. She had time for little else.

His eyes lingered a moment on her as she shrunk and the hall grew to accommodate his heart. A feast for the eye, a picnic for the soul, but he was hardly full. Crumbs are not satisfying. Pictures are, and little else.

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[black butterffl]

i liked this one better :D

[gdne1234]

both stories are very well written. :)

[book eater]

very well done, the stories have true-to-life characters, which makes them both a good read :D

i liked the second one the most :0)