A few poems

[HamOnRye]

Hi, everybody. I'm new to the forum, although I've been lurking for quite a while. I haven't shown any of these to anybody before, but I'd really like to hear what some of you fine people here have to say about them(good or bad, I can learn from everything). I've included a couple of poems that I think give a good idea of my general range of voice and style. I'm putting several in this thread also as to not clutter the forum.

First, a couple of shorties.

"Five Empty Chairs"

Five empty chairs
and
how apt
a metaphor.


"Bedroom"

Echo
Echo
Echo
Echo
God
Damn
These
Bare
Walls
Echo
Echo
Echo
Echo


"I am free"

I am free to do
whatever it is I want
except add a word



and a couple of others...


"Flowers Turn Black"

Flowers walk past graves and scoff
at the lifeless bodies six feet under,
and their willingness to accept their rot.
"What lazy *******s they must be" they thought.

But, flowers turn black and fade away
and live with the dead in the dirt,
and new generations of roses and carnations
make the same mistakes as their elders.


"The Artist"

those who
don't get it,
don't get it.

to them,
you're just
moody.

you're just
unstable.

you're just
eccentric.

but they don't have
the same
(broken)
kaleidoscope glasses
that you have.

they've not seen
their fears
expressed perfectly
in a
single
lonely
tree.

and to be honest,
I'm okay
with being
moody
unstable
and eccentric.



"Snow Falling On"

Snow falling on
the ground makes way
for your footprints
to lead me to you

Snow falling on
the pines in the day
is an afternoon
we spend together

Snow falling on
the city asleep
is a gift from God
for the morning

Snow falling on
the mountain peaks
can't begin to compare
to your beauty


"Half-moon"

Half-moon
like a mandarin orange
perched above the rooftops
how lonely you look
knowing your light
is only a reflection


"Into the blue"

Into the blue
go I
go You
set the black sails and
send word of our departure.

God only knows
if this ship will hold
but our destination
is the voyage
as we travel deep
into the blue



To anyone who read these, thank you so much for your time and possible replies.

[ampoule]

I read them. I liked them..especially The Artist and that mandarin orange moon. Your voice shows many octaves.

[AuntShecky]

Hi, HamOnRye, I'm not a moderator and have no authority to do this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Welcome to the LitNet! I hope you will enjoy this site as much as I have for the last year. And by the bye, love your screen name, vegetarianism notwithstanding. A few years back there was a group of racing thoroughbreds all from the same NY connections. Somebody said, "Aw, that horse isn't worth a ham sandwich." That became the colt's name,which inspired the names of his siblings: "On Rye," "With Mayo" and (I kid you not) "To Go." They all had successful riding careers too, those horses.


So, have lots of fun on this site. Hope you come back again and again!
Auntie

[HamOnRye]

Hi, HamOnRye, I'm not a moderator and have no authority to do this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Welcome to the LitNet! I hope you will enjoy this site as much as I have for the last year. And by the bye, love your screen name, vegetarianism notwithstanding. A few years back there was a group of racing thoroughbreds all from the same NY connections. Somebody said, "Aw, that horse isn't worth a ham sandwich." That became the colt's name,which inspired the names of his siblings: "On Rye," "With Mayo" and (I kid you not) "To Go." They all had successful riding careers too, those horses.


So, have lots of fun on this site. Hope you come back again and again!
Auntie

Thank you for the warm welcome! As a matter of fact, I am a vegetarian myself...the name comes from the Bukowski novel of the same name.
Love the names of those horses.

[Honestgabe]

but they don't have
the same
(broken)
kaleidoscope glasses
that you have.

Love that (broken) there. At first I thought it was predictable, then I went back and read it again and that really stood out. Perfect.

Into the blue
go I
go You
set the black sails and
send word of our departure.

Love the first three lines. Absolutely love it. I think there is something there where you skip a line to finish "go You". It gives it a pause thats beautiful with the rhyme. I also love the capitalization of you, it makes it feel that you are writing it to a personal acquantice or lover.

I feel that those first three lines give a great rhythm to the start of the poem and I would love it if you maybe re-write a version of the poem foccusing on that rhythm. I feel that it did not withstand after the first three lines.

Wonderful poetry.