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Trystan
05-19-2008, 07:44 PM
This is incomplete and pretty disorganized as I pasted it here from Word. But to hell with it . . . (Note: "Big Smoke" is a word used for London - it derives from when the city had a lot of smog).

London

The smokeless haze of Big Smoke – it scared the **** out of me, with its
hurly-burly scary streets frequented by the rich and the poor and the black and the white and the yellow all similarly cynical
and rude on the tube.
It’s always in the news;
the shootings and the politics,
and the football teams.
Football fans smoke on terraces, those seas of songs and profanities, and know as much about their team
as the Monument yuppies know of their monies.
Outside the Palace the usual throngs of American tourists gape at monuments of a Britain that isn’t and wasn't and never will be.
Something that they’ll never see – the countless Victorian and Edwardian and War-time and post-war-time and all-time suicides – corpses all rotted or starting to rot in the dirty brown-black rum waters of the Themes into which they jumped with hearts of despair,
in the city that just doesn’t care.

blazeofglory
05-19-2008, 09:23 PM
This is incomplete and pretty disorganized as I pasted it here from Word. But to hell with it . . . (Note: "Big Smoke" is a word used for London - it derives from when the city had a lot of smog).

London

The smokeless haze of Big Smoke – it scared the **** out of me, with its
hurly-burly scary streets frequented by the rich and the poor and the black and the white and the yellow all similarly cynical
and rude on the tube.
It’s always in the news;
the shootings and the politics,
and the football teams.
Football fans smoke on terraces, those seas of songs and profanities, and know as much about their team
as the Monument yuppies know of their monies.
Outside the Palace the usual throngs of American tourists gape at monuments of a Britain that isn’t and wasn't and never will be.
Something that they’ll never see – the countless Victorian and Edwardian and War-time and post-war-time and all-time suicides – corpses all rotted or starting to rot in the dirty brown-black rum waters of the Themes into which they jumped with hearts of despair,
in the city that just doesn’t care.

You have put the very soul of the city in your words.

Beautifull
05-19-2008, 09:37 PM
you have a way with words!

blp
05-20-2008, 08:59 AM
Or, in the words of Mark E. Smith:

Then you know in your brain
You know in your brain
Leave The Capitol!
Then you know you must leave the capitol
It will not drag me down
I will leave this ten times town
I will leave this ****ing dump
One room, one room
Hotel maids smile in unison
Then you know in your brain
You know in your brain
LEAVE THE CAPITOL
EXIT THIS ROMAN SHELL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBRD2b7ZZ2M

I like your descriptions. I live in London and it really does suck. Without wanting to get into one of those forbidden political discussions, I'm afraid it's about to start sucking a lot harder.

I think you could lose the clicheed ending, with its too easy, too little thought personification.